Pride, Humility, and Conceit (An Essay of Sorts)

I wrote this some time ago and thought I would share it here, as I think often we allow others' actions and opinions to form our opinions of ourselves.

     Pride is a gray area topic, as far as public opinion. I've been told to "be proud of accomplishments," or "take pride in a job well done", and then later condemned by the same person for thinking I'm "better than everyone else", for little more than smiling a bit, and having the gumption to share my ideas. Is there any way to be just proud enough, and just humble enough? Does having self confidence mean that we lack humility all together?

 

 

     As a person who chooses to conduct herself with confidence, who has worked diligently to overcome the burden of low self-esteem, and has created what I think is a healthy self-image, I often find myself accused of being "conceited" or "full of" myself. If those who portrayed me in this light knew where I come from, perhaps they would see me a bit differently...

 

 

     I have learned many lessons in humility. I spent Christmas Eve homeless, the year I turned 21. For several weeks I went from business to business looking for work and found none, eventually resorting to holding up a sign and begging. The sign said "Homeless, Hungry, Unable to Find Work". Do you know what response I got from most people who drove by when I was "flying the sign"(as we bums called it at the time) ? The normal response was "Get a fu(king job!", or "Go eat out of the trash!". I'm not joking. People yelled these things at me- a depressed 21 year old with no prospects, who hadn't had a shower or a good meal in weeks.

 

     I would stand in the sun in the heat of the day with the sweat pouring down my brow, my legs aching, just trying to get enough money to afford a damned sandwich and a bottle of water. My bathroom was the space behind a dumpster.I had no door to lock at night, no place to hide my dirty face. I wasn't there by choice. I didn't enjoy it. At times though, those people yelling at me and looking at me with contempt made me believe that it was all my fault. I couldn't look another human being in the face without feeling the deepest sense of shame. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Literally. I felt like vermin, a disease.

     

 

     That wasn't my first lesson in humility. It wasn't even my last. When some kind and compassionate gave my father and I enough money to rent a hotel room by the week, making us slightly above street bums, we lived in a very rough neighborhood. Our neighbors were lunatics who had been released from mental wards, heroine dealers who had to keep moving to avoid the law, and prostitutes. We had lost our car. I had to walk down that street full of junkies and w****s every day, a young blond with no self esteem. Do you know what most people thought I was when they saw me walking down that street to go to get groceries?

 

 

     You geussed it;they thought I was a "street walker". Overzealous Police Officers would stop and ask what I was doing, and tell me that if they saw me with a "John" I would be arrested. They didn't believe me when I said I was going to buy groceries. Men looking for a good time would stop and ask how much I wanted, or just offer 20 dollars, then drive away angry when I said I was not looking to make money that way. One day one of these men stalked me for several blocks after I said no, but it was Sunday and I made it into a crowded church, and stayed for the entire service to give him enough time to give up. Luckily, he did. I have always had a high sense of morals, and would never have even considered selling myself to make my circumstances better, but I felt just as guilty sometimes as though I had done that, knowing everyone thought I was doing it.

 

 

     The fact of the matter is, it took hard work for me to get past the events in my life that broke down my self worth. I spent my first 23 years of life unable to feel any sort of pride at all, living ONLY with humility. Was that humility such a noble and beautiful thing? NO. Humility, when served alone, is a bitter dish. It is not noble, it is not good. It is only good when tempered by pride and a healthy sense of self.

 

 

    The proper balance of pride and humility has to be learned the hard way. There is no book written that can teach you how to have self-esteem without being conceited. Along the road to discovering this secret, we condemn those who are not on the same part of the path.

 

 

     I remember condemning those happy people who had self-esteem, who smiled too much and felt "too much" pride when they accomplished something. The reason I saw others in this way was simply that I did not even know what feeling proud felt like. I had no self esteem myself, so I misjudged anyone who did. I was too humble. I wasn't down to earth-- I was crawling in the dirt.

 

 

      So, when someone thinks that I am guilty of conceit because I am always smiling, because I share my opinions, because I know who I am and like her, I understand. When someone has never been humbled, but raised in such a way that they feel ONLY pride, which is often called "conceit", I understand them as well. Sooner or later, we all find our balance. I've found mine, and have also found that it should never hedge on anyone's opinions buy my own, when I look into the glass, and into my own mind.