Night's Promise

The night has drawn her cloak, tight

Against all hope and all fear.

Both emotions craving light,

Shall return when dawn is near.

For now just listen to it

How our two hearts beat as one.

For now live in the moment

As our night has just begun.

 

The hands of the clock are still

As though time drew in a breath

And the night is ours to kill-

Countless hours 'til her death.

Let's forget this hour will end

And simply live within it

Oh to heaven, we'll  ascend

A few times every minute.

 

Moonlight rakes her hand across

Your shoulders, and then your eyes

I'm sure she will feel heavy loss

As the sun begins to rise.

Feel my breath now match your own

Sense my whole soul shiver

Your love, the greatest I've known

Quenches fire in its river.

 

At the windows fingers reach

Telling me time has returned.

Light begins to flood and bleach-

The midnight oil all burned.

I lay my head upon your chest

Falling down into your sleep,

Knowing when I've had my rest

I've got promises to keep

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Ralphy]

This poem has a wealth of passion with a little mystic reverence that grabbed me. I like this poem very much, this is my choice of verses.
The midnight oil all burned.

I lay my head upon your chest

Falling down into your sleep,

Knowing when I've had my rest

I've got promises to keep

[Silent Kim aka mizmetap..]

This was a excellent piece I truely loved the flow and energy of your writing I must read more.

[Emily Rose]

Good imagery here (as I'm sure you already well know). I like the contrast between the light and dark imagery; it helps show the hastening of time. The last line made me giggle a little because I was reminded of Robert Frost's "Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening," ("the woods are lovely, dark and deep/ but I have promises to keep/and miles to go before I sleep/and miles to go before I sleep") although I doubt that that's what you were going for. The way you handle your rhyme works very well too - the rhymes are generally interesting and original. The conclusion especially is quite nice, and it was a good choice not to put a final period at the end - a very subtle gesture, but a great one indeed. Well done!

[V. K. Harris]

This is so very beautiful, excellent imagery, well done.

[Siobhan]

Although not a fan of end rhyme, you have handled it well here so it isn't overly sing-song. I think you might be able to lose a few of your 'empty' words and replace them with others while still keeping your rhythm/meter and/or use punctuation to provide more meaning - such as:

Light begins to flood in, bleach
the midnight oil - all burned.

In these lines:

Moonlight rakes its hand across
Your shoulders, and then your eyes
I'm sure she will feel at loss
As the sun begins to rise.

Consider personfying moonlight in the first line - instead of 'its' use 'her' - since you tell us the moonlight is female in the next line any way.

[Siddartha Beth Pierce]

A beautiful ode to a miraculous night of both light and dark and a love that is immense in its fervor. Just divine. Thank you.
Light,
Siddartha

[Michael]

Hi C,

Sorry, I could not help myself. I know you are not a fruit drink but it did make me smile to use the pun. I think you have a handle of metered verse, this is excellent. Read over the changes I made below. They are simply to east the flow. The only rough spot really was the line that ends with "it." I have never been able to use "it" at the end of a line and keep flow. I did not change it because I could not do so and keep the feeling you are going for. The last stanza really caught my eye, you are on your way to being a great poet.

A couple of things to keep in mind. With rhyme schemes you can undermine reader's emotional commitment to a poem, I don't think you did that here but I do what to point it out. The ABAB scheme lends itself to light verse and humor. It is easier to convey a deeper thought with aBcB or AbAc. often use both with a 4/3 meter. 4/3 is great for poetry because you can cheat and extra syllable in the 3 line and not change the meter.

Having said all that, it really is a wonderful poem. I hope you are pleased with writing a rhyme that is not trite or silly.

The night has drawn her cloak tight,
against all hope and all fear.
Both emotions crave the light,
Shall return when dawn is near.
For now, just listen to it
How our hearts they beat as one.
For now ,live in the moment
as our night has just begun.

The clock hands are standing still
As though time drew in a breath
And this night is ours to kill-
Countless hours 'til her death.
Forget that our time will end
And simply live within it
Oh to heaven, we'll ascend
A few times every minute.

Moonlight rakes its hand across
Your shoulders, and then your eyes
I'm sure she will feel at loss
As the sun begins to rise.
Feel my breath now match your own
Sense my whole soul shiver
Your love, the greatest I've known
Quenches fire in its river.

[Legion]

Beautiful. Reminds me a bit of Whitman in the way it is phrased. Wonderfully done. You have captured this moment well. Bravo.