Tip of the Tongue

I usually steer away from the more love orientated dark stuff, but everything is worth a try.

Cold now,
Rocks sitting,
At the bottom,
Of an empty chest.

An insufferable weight pulling down,
Stifling,
Suffocating,
Crushing, expanding.

Possessing.

But on the outside? Warmth.
Open, Friendly, Receptive,
Kind eyes give no clue to a yearning soul.
 
Taste,
The lingering scent,
Of the forbidden fruit,
Always at the tip of the tongue,
Never to be spoken.

Author's Note

Please be critical. :)

Reviews

[NightsShade]

It's been a long time since I've reviewed anything...
Anyways! The only critical things I would have to say it this:
In the second stanza you use the words 'insufferable' and 'suffocating'. Personally, I don't like the repetition of the 'suff' sound, especially since the words are so close together. In a sense, that disrupted the flow for me. I also have to agree about the commas. You use them so often that it makes each line feel disconnected from the one before and the one after. Try to use them at places where you would pause naturally while speaking.

[Red Brick Keshner]

"Never to be spoken," worked and I was still curious to find out if "never to be bitten into," or something similar would add an extra dimension to the whole tenor of the poem.

The build up and tansitioning into the 'climax' is a worthy trait of this poem. I understand too the "taste" of the scent of the forbidden fruit. But many readers will emotionally respond more easily to "smell." My only concern with the use of "smell" would it be bordering on redundancy in relation to the concept cluster of "scent."

[Andrea Vargas]

I like it but i dont like how these lines are seperated
Cold now,
Rocks sitting,
At the bottom,
Of an empty chest.
I think it would be better if you would of put Rocks sitting and At the bottom together..but other than that fantastic job with emotion!

[FaithfullyJennyBear]

I can totally relate to this poem, basically hiding behind a totally different mask to yuor true self, i try to critisise but to be honest, I can'tfind anything to be critical about :P good write :)

[Allie :)]

This piece was a little sketchy, but an extremely enjoyable read on several levels. Sketchy, but in a good way. (It's probably wrong for me to already assume that you know the meaning of the word sketchy, but I'm positive you can ballpark it)
You seem like you're not really taking poetry seriously yet, and I'm suggesting that you definetly should. You have potential, lots of it! :) Let good ideas sit, and they will either grow sweeter, or rot. :)

[Tasha]

This was amazing Jake!

[ब्र&#..]

i love how deep this is great job
alltid
-Meja

[DreyaArt]

wow that was deep. Well done, i suppose truthful of love faided or of infatuation. I LOVE the last two lines very nice.
thank you for writing

[raindroplove]

thats what i feelin right now :S

[Lily Mae]

I can't be critical in the sense of correcting anything here. I loved the flow and the emotions that you've shared and or created here. I think in all honesty you've penned these feelings well :) x