Orphanage

House,dark as a widow's gown,
its windows broken.
And around it
Fly death colored crows.

Harsh was that place as its looks.
It hurts your heart and eyes .
For every step in it i took
I heard residents' long silenced cries.

Hole filled beds and broken doll heads
Their meaning is to warn.
How many friends and newly weds
From this world were torn.

House is now abandoned,old
But ghosts they still persist.
Cause while peoples hearts are cold
Cruelty will exist.

Author's Note

Back from bunch of tests and viruses. Hope you guys will enjoy this heh.

Reviews

[Silent Wolf]

"House, dark as a window's gown, / Its windows are broken."
"I heard the residents' long silenced cries."
"The house is now abandoned and old,"

Correct me if I'm wrong, however I learned that simply tagging an S on the end makes it plural, but tagging an apostrophe S makes it possessive. I rather enjoyed reading this, even though I don't read much poetry. It's haunting, and displays the emotion really well. :)

[Cody Jeremy Thompson]

Yeah thanks for corrections I'm too lazy to check 'em most of. But I think you can still write ,,Its windows broken,, and have it be grammatically correct also for the abandoned and old, again I'm unsure for both,but thanks for the apostrophes those I often forget.

[Silent Wolf]

I think they both still work, however it sounds a little odd. And of course! :)

[Cody Jeremy Thompson]

Yeah oddness is something I often do,even more so with some of the story drafts, also I mostly put it like that because ,are, and ,and, kinda felt like they were removable without damaging the poems overall feel.

[Silent Wolf]

Yeah, agreed.

[Scrap]

Hole filled beds and broken doll heads
Their meaning is to warn.
How many friends and newly weds
From this world were torn.

I love how u make the connection...
With this you take us outside the house. Where it started.

[Cody Jeremy Thompson]

Thank you for reading :3

[Scheherazade]

I figured with all the kind and constructive reviews you've given me, the least I can do is the same. You would think that with all the poetry I read, I would be able to give more useful criticisms but I'm afraid that's not the case. I'm pretty useless with poetry. I have no idea what can be done to write a good one. I just know when I read one whether I like it or not and yours here is one I like. You use some striking and haunting metaphors and imagery. The overall tone and atmosphere, I think, is somber and macabre and you create it pretty well. The last line is especially powerful and kind of cynical (though true). The only nitpicks I have to offer is the line "fly death coloured crows". I don't know, something about it just feels awkward to me and I can't quite visualise it whereas all your other images appear quite clearly in my head. It seems kind of confused. I mean, isn't death universally the same for all living beings? Why is a fly's death different? Unless you were making a comparison with a fly corpse? In which case you could have still somehow made that clearer and more vivid. Also, in the last verse, "Cause while peoples hearts are cold", I feel like saying cause instead of the full word because is a colloquialism that seems kind of misplaced with the general tone of the poem. Again, bit of a nitpick but that's all I can offer and oh because I'm also a grammar Nazi, I think there should be an apostrophe after peoples (so it reads "peoples' hearts). I figure you would want a review that you can actually act on but just remember that I did really like it!

[Cody Jeremy Thompson]

Wrote it in an hour and used my couldn't be arsed card when time came to read and fix the issues and in retrospect those two things are a tad bit flow breaking.

[Scheherazade]

Well, for an hour's work. It's still pretty damn good.