The Meadow

Though mortal embodiment will fade, love shall endure. Like flowers in the meadow, I shall await you again.

The lush meadow grass,

A bright sunny day.

Palm clasped in yours,

Through the fields we'll play.

We can sing and talk,

I'll ask you how you are.

You'll say that you missed me,

We'll run into the far.

The roses quietly blooming,

The smells of waiting earth.

The sounds of busy insects,

The fruits of summer’s birth.

Rain can never touch us,

The perfect air my dear.

Darkness never come,

Pain is never near.

Recollections come again,

The night you took my life.

Our marriage such a trial?

I thought we'd never fight.

From a deepened pool of blood,

I laid there still that night.

A knife inside my heart,

Until I saw the light.

You said you always loved me,

I believed your every word.

But when you went to stab me,

The truth was harshly blurred.

Witnessing countless days,

I watched from nature’s spring.

I saw your daily struggle,

My face caught in your dream.

You regretted every second,

Every moment of your deed.

You traded me for money,

Our love transformed to greed.

You began a turn to drinking,

I hoped you never would.

But on that fateful night,

You consumed more than you could.

The straining drops of liquid,

They fell into your mouth.

It brought us here together,

My beautiful maiden spouse.

I could only bear to watch,

Your car could not choose which,

The lane to be inside of,

Until you hit a ditch.

Now we stand together,

The moment seems falsely real.

That yet once again-

Your hands, I softly feel.

But I forgive your sins,

All has gone to past.

We are now together,

On top of nature's grass.

The sun sets once again,

Night will soon be near.

But now that I am with you,

The darkness, I do not fear.

All the days alone,

I watched the stars at sky.

But not while looking upwards,

Down, I saw  the ‘nigh.

Through the quiet flowers,

Guarding my presence here.

I wished every night,

For only you, my dear.

I never thought against you,

I never blamed your sin.

I always thought the best,

I thought we’d always win.

Grass of a radiant meadow,

On brilliant sunny rays.

My palm clasped in yours,

Until another day.

Together at last...

Author's Note

Please be honest! I'm willing to accept negative criticism as long as it's helpful :)

Also, please tell me how this poem made you feel, if anything at all.

Reviews

[Endeavor]

What a very wonderful piece! The mellifluous tone together with the powerful imagery is amazing --- it is as if I was standing nearby looking at everything through my eyes. I cannot say more...it is heartbreaking and yet so romantic. Thank you for sharing the poem to us!

[Nicholas Johnston]

Thank you so much for your review! I'm so pleased that you enjoyed my poem. I know this sounds a bit cliche, but I feel like writing is worth it even if just one person appreciates what I make. Thanks again! This helps me stay motivated to create more :)

[Marie]

This is a chilling poem. Starts out with two lovers, calm and easy. I was really shocked when I read about the murder. Then the lovers again, together at last.

I think it could have been shorter, but I enjoyoed all of it.

[C. Rose]

Powerful message beautifully told.

Now for the constructive criticism. Dun Dun DUN!

Awkward Lines:
“We'll run into the far” - What about “We'll run so very far” or some such.
“Perfect air, my dear.” - This is your only choppy line. Either lot's of choppy lines or none.
“Your car could not choose which, lane to be inside of,” - Not only do this phrase break very awkwardly, it also breaks your punctuation pattern.

Technical Tweaks:
“The sounds of busy insects ,” - Extra space between insects and the comma.
“Darkness never come,” - Darkness is singular so it should be comes unless you make Darkness plural
“The straining drops of liquid,” - did you mean staining?

Consistency Hiccups:
The stanzas “Distantly fading now ...”, “Every day from then” and others ignore your rhyming pattern.

Word Over Use:
You use the word “now” six times. Five of which are in 3 consecutive stanzas. Spread it out. Over use of a word detracts from its power.


Favorite lines:
“Rain can never touch us”, “The darkness, I do not fear.”

Nice symmetry of the palm clasped line.
Consider how many stanzas you give to the meadow, to the darkness, and to the uplifting message.
How you divide your time to these different phases can change the emphasis of the poem.
Right now it is about 4-9-5 (a bit of a grey area where you shift from darkness to uplifting).
I am not saying this needs to change – I am just saying think about how it is weighted.

[Nicholas Johnston]

Holy cow, I hadn't seen this review until now. How embarrising. But thank you for this helpful criticism. You gave some helpful tips that I hadn't really thought about. Even though I wrote this poem quite some time ago, I might give it another go with your comments in mind. Thanks!

[RAOrourke]

I really enjoyed the easy flow of your poem and felt the love of the husband, turn to pain and struggle and then forgiveness and comfort. It brought you through his emotions

[Nicholas Johnston]

Thank you so much for your review! I'm really glad you felt what I was trying to convey! It's always nice to hear feedback, and this will help me stay motivated to create more! Thanks again!