two

The bus doors creaked as they stretched closed and I took a deep breath as the engine came to life and the bus jerked forward into acceleration. I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the window feeling the vibrations of the bus numbing my thoughts and easing my mind. For the longest time my thoughts drifted idly; I thought of memories I held that at the time they happened seemed insignificant but now I clung to as the source of any happiness I had left.

When I was twelve I found a cat hiding in a ditch a few blocks from my house; his fur was tangled into knots and his eyes were tired and dull from time. I brought him back to my house and made a bed for him in the unused shed on the corner of our yard, I visited him everyday to keep him company, and used the bulk of my allowance to buy him food and treats. I kept him there for weeks and he never seemed to travel far away from the makeshift home I'd given him. I gave him a name, Toby, and used to spend my afternoons brushing his fur and and laying with him wrapped in blankets on the floor of the shed, listening to his purs. The day I brought Toby into the house was the day my mother had come home from work early to find me napping on the couch, Toby curled up by my head. She stood over me with a look of disapproval on her face until Toby lazily slid off the couch and rubbed up against her legs purring contently. She picked him up and sat at the other end of the couch letting him lay on her lap then turned to me.
“You know how he feels about cats.” She said and I nodded.
“I've been keeping him in the shed, but it's so cold and rainy today...” I pleaded with my eyes and she said nothing in response, she handed Toby to me and climbed the stairs to her room. I took it as a partial victory that came with forewarning. After that I was more careful, making sure to keep Toby away from the house and hidden in the barn, until one day when I came home from school and went straight to the barn and Toby's abandoned bed. I remember searching all afternoon for him, up the street and in the woods behind our house without any luck. Before dinner that night I found my mother in the kitchen, chopping and slicing absentmindedly.
“Toby's gone.” I said, not trying to hide the suspicion in my voice.
“Toby?” she asked and I stared for a moment before replying
“My cat.” I said flatly, unimpressed. But at that moment he came into the room and my mother broke my stare, continuing her chopping and said nonchalantly,
“He must have run off.” The man walked across the room behind my mother and wrapped his arms around her grinning at me.
“Who?” He asked but I didn't answer. I turned on my heels and ran to my room and there I stayed, the rest of the day and all of the night.

I always remained resentful of that, and now knowing that even my best memories were in some how ruined by him made me shudder with rage. I wondered where Toby was, had he been dropped off at a farm, somewhere far away, taken to a shelter, or maybe just put to sleep. I hoped he was happy, and I hope his life had turned out better than mine.

My thoughts were interrupted by rustling across from me; I opened my eyes and looked across the aisle at Morgan wrestling a juice box free from its plastic covering. He caught my eye and held one out at me. I smiled as he shimmied out of his seat, across the aisle, plopped into the chair beside me and handed me a juice box.

“Thanks.” I said accepting it from him, sitting up in my chair.
“It's going to be a long trip, it's important to stay hydrated” He smirked, and I chuckled.

I can't remember what we talked about the first few hours we spent together, but it's been said to me many times that the sign of a good conversation is not being able to remember what it was about; I do recall that we spoke fluently, grazing topics with ease and innocence. I knew what direction the conversation would eventually head in, but once again I didn't have an answer prepared, the same way I hadn't when Marge had asked.
“So where are you headed?” he asked. I hesitated before replying lightly,
“The wonderful city of New York.”
“Ah, my city! Visiting family, or just looking for your bite of the big apple?” He questioned.
“Let's just say family has been a bit of a foreign concept lately; to be completely honest I'm not sure what I'm doing... I won't have a welcome party waiting for me anyway.” I looked out the window hoping he wouldn't press the topic further.
“Keeping your options open? I can dig it, spontaneity brings the best opportunity” I looked back to him and responded,
“Here's hopin'” I nodded, and returned my gaze to the passing trees and setting sun, which sank low in the sky cradled by purple and pink haze across the horizon. We drifted into the first silence in hours for a few moments before Morgan spoke again,
“I used to want to want to fly” He said quietly, and I looked at him questioningly, ready to crack a smile but he had an intensity in his eyes that told me he was serious. “To be an astronaut, or an explorer.. one of those people who looks for the bigger picture, who has the faith in something more and the ambition to find it.”

“..But you never...” I trailed off hesitantly and Morgan shook his head, sitting forward in his chair, resting his elbows on his knees
“I don't have that ambition Raegan.. if there is something more, its beyond us, it's not something we'll find in any of our days, besides, if you don't know what you're looking for how would you know if you've found it?”

“I guess that would be the faith part.” I answered.
“Faith..” He echoed, trailing off into thoughts. I followed his lead and dove into my own mind, enticed by his mystery as young girls tend to do, refusing to swoon but finding a smirk upon my own face that I'd deny to myself. The stars took their place in the sky; they shone bright in the suns absence and kept my eyes lively with the dance they did through the treetops. As time passed I listened to breaths grow deep and watched eyelids close. I leaned against Morgan, his soft snores hummed in my ears and the motion of the bus gently rocked me to sleep.

I awoke to shuffling feet and excited chattering as people began to stand and retrieve their bags from the overhead compartment. I inhaled sharply and leaned back in my chair.  I pushed the hair from my face and rubbed my eyes as they adjusted to the sunshine beaming in the window, the window that now framed a picturesque city scape of vehicles, tall buildings, and people moving quickly along crowded sidewalks.  I had travelled to New York once, when I was 9; Ashton's father had a business trip there and we had bugged him to take us so badly that it ended up being a family trip which I included myself into. I remember everything being large, busy, intimidating and fast.  Sitting on the bus, the moment I arrived back, those same feelings returned as though they had never left.

I turned and looked at the empty seat beside me and then at the empty row across from me and my heart sunk slightly with the loss of unsaid hopes. I breathed deeply pulling my self to my feet and joined the last few people on the bus in retrieving their bags from the compartment above.  I shuffled up the aisle down the stairs and out of the bus taking in the city with every sense, practically shaking with uncertainty and anticipation. I stood for a moment like they do in the movies, and spun around with a stunned look on my face; taking everything in with amazement like it was the first time I had been to a city. I paused staring off in the distance at the statue of liberty standing alone on the corner of the city.

"It's smaller than most people think it is"  I jumped and turned to see Morgan standing behind me and couldn't help but feel relieved.

"A little." I said chuckling. Morgan motioned at a nearby bench and I followed his lead sitting lightly beside him.

"I didn't mean to run off on you, I had to make a phone call and you're a pretty deep sleeper." I smiled and nodded, still staring into the distance.

"It's a lot to take in, at first it all looks the same, but if you're here long you'll get the hang of it pretty quickly" I nodded again but didn't respond, I felt captivated in the city view and words weren't coming easily to me.

A black honda pulled up in front of us and the passenger window rolled down, out it a man yelled excitedly,

"Morgan!  Good to have you back man!" Morgan smiled widely standing up and walking up to him.

"Stevie!  Good to see ya!" He responded happily. Morgan paused by the car door and looked back at me, "Coming with?" he asked, taking me off guard.  I paused and stammered slightly,

"I- um.. have.."

"Absolutely no where to go?" He asked, finishing my sentence sarcastically. I chuckled, looking to each side of me, contemplating his offer. "Oh, come on." He said laughing. I sighed and smiled, picking up my bags and walked over to the car, relieved and excited but still consciously keeping my guard up.

We travelled long, but not far; the thick traffic slowed our speed down to that of molasses and it was almost painful to watch people walking faster than we were driving.  That was something I had to get used to. We turned into the parking lot of a smaller sized building, only three stories high with a shop on the main floor and not wide enough for more than one apartment on each level above it.  Morgan caught me eyeing the chipped green paint and dirt walkway and chuckled,

"it's better than it looks, it may not be the best neighbourhood, but it's not the worst either."  I looked at him and smiled.

"It's great," I said. 

We were in Greenpoint, I was told. 'not too far from Manhattan and just across from long island, it's a pretty alright place; not exactly time squares glamour, but it's not the price of it either.' is what Stevie had said in the car.  We climbed the creaky stairs to the second floor and went through the door to Morgans apartment.  There was a jumble of greetings from the next room and two people emerged around the corner, they grappled Morgan into a group hug before stepping back to eye me curiously.

"We have a house guest!" Morgan said enthusiastically, "This is Raegan." I smiled awkwardly and gestured a small wave balancing on the balls of my feet. "This fine lady here is Lucy," He said motioning at the flawless asian girl with long dark hair and piercing eyes.  She smiled softly with pouty lips and stuffed her hands into her pockets. "She lives here too, along with this fellow." He pointed to the man who had entered the room with Lucy.

"I'm Everett."  He said kindly, extending his hand to shake mine. His eyes smiled through his shaggy dark hair and I smiled back.

"It's great to meet you both!" I tried to push enthusiasm in my voice but I had never been good at forcing emotion into my words.

"Well! No sense in standing around, let's get your bags put away!" Morgan exclaimed helping me carry my bags down the hallway to the far bedroom.  I dropped my purse on the floor and flopped onto the bed.

"Isn't it funny," I asked, "That we did nothing but sit on a bus for the last 20 hours, and I'm completely exhausted?" Morgan chuckled and crossed the room to a large window on the far wall.  He pulled down a handle which released a latch allowing the window to spring fully open.

"Come on, I want to show you something." He said climbing out the window.

"And I have to move to be shown?" I joked as I lazily pulled myself off the bed.

"Only as far as the fire escape." He reassured me, offering his hand through the window.  I crossed the room and grabbed his hand stepping less gracefully than I had planned through the window and joined him on the metal landing of the fire escape.  I felt the air breeze through my hair as I looked out over the park across the street and along the lines of buildings down the road.  The houses and buildings were speckled with graffiti and peeled paint, the street lights buzzing quietly and flickered every so often. "I know it doesn't look like much," Morgan spoke softly "but beyond the surface this place can be anything you want.  It can stand for change or new beginnings.  Past the grunge of Greenpoint is a city full of opportunity just waiting for you."  His words soothed me in a cliche way as I sat and let my feet dangle over the side of the landing.

"This motivational speech doing anything for you?" He smiled

"Strangely it is." I chuckled leaning back and breathing the cold crisp air into my lungs.

Later that night we sat in the living room eating, telling stories, laughing and listening; for me, mostly listening. Morgan told us about his trip to northern Michigan for his fathers wedding to his new wife and how he'd chosen to take the bus so he could come back two days early and not have to deal with all the extended family who had all, ironically, extended their visits a few days after the wedding.

"If someone else was shocked to learn that I did indeed grow a significant amount since they last saw me 10 years ago... I might have lost it" He chuckled clenching his fists against each other and shaking his head. I attempted to hold back a yawn which escaped and spread around the room.

"I'd say that's a sign for calling it a night?" Stevie proposed and no one objected.  He and Lucy shared a room, they had been dating for over a year and as the night progressed it seemed more and more strange to me.  It was one of those couples you just would never put together in your head, Lucy being so cool and quiet and Stevie so goofy and out-going with an impressive ink-filled body, beard and short ponytail.  Opposites attract I suppose.

I returned to the far room, dressing in pyjamas and brushed my hair as I stood looking out the fire escape at the shimmering stars.

"You can take the bed." Morgan said entering the room and pulled blankets out of the closet onto the floor.

"Oh- I don't want to-"

"It's fine." He interrupted, "Really, I don't mind"  I nodded and climbed into the bed, snuggling under the covers, clenched a pillow to my chest and drifted off.

The creak of the door. The whine of the bed. Constant scream of 'no' in my head. Hitting. Trashing. Crying. Bashing. Fear and loathing. Airways closing. Tears that burn. Cries unheard. Hurt and pain give pleasure and gain. Fighting, losing, lost.  

I shot upright in bed, drenched in sweat breathing heavily.  My body shook and my heart raced I gasped for air and clenched tightly to the bedsheets. I whimpered slightly and pulled my knees to my chest trying to silence my cries as I heard Morgan stir on the floor beside me.  I must have looked a mess because his squinted eyes that peered through the darkness grew full of concern when they landed on me. He jumped up and ran over to me.  He sat on the edge of the bed, grabbing my hands in his left and rubbing my back with his right.  I collapsed into him listening to his shhhh's in my ear and feeling his breath on my neck calm my sobs to stable breaths.

"Just a nightmare Rae" He cooed sympathetically, laying me back on the bed and wrapping his arm protectively around me "Everything's okay"

Reviews

[Knight in Armor]

I know I'm repeating myself, but, please, turn this into a full novel! I would love reading more. In only, according to the description, about 5,000, you've caused me to feel so much empathy for Jayden/Reagan.