Amends

I hate myself.

Not in the way that normal teenaged girls do,

but when you really think about it then yeah, I guess that, too.

I’m more concerned, however, with my personality

And the things I’ll do to other people to satisfy my “needs”

I hate myself because my heart pulls me over yonder

And I listen, give in, and make other’s hearts somber.

I hate that I find another’s life to burrow into

And disguise it with love because it’s the only way I can see the real you

I really don’t like lying but it comes so easy

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised when you say you don’t love me

Because I’m a monster who only loves for a short time

Just to make lines

To a rhyme that doesn’t rhyme

Because there is no music for it to hold onto this time

I say it again and again

But this time it hurts more than I can stand

Because I never got a grip, I never touched your hand

I never made empty promises to take you across the land

I never hurt you like I hurt so many others

But then again it’s what i deserve for hurting another

You bring hurt but you didn’t do what I do

You didn’t say you loved me like I would say to you

You didn’t take me to places just to stop midway through

And ruin that place forever by saying “I never loved you”

You didn’t criticise romance because you knew

That being with me wasn’t something you were into

No, you didn’t turn my tables to make me face my cards,

But still I see their empty faces staring across the yard

So far out of reach, but still close enough to see

They remind me of you, and of you to me.

I’m separated by a wall,

That if I inch just close enough to it I might hope to fall

Through the brick and finally be able to see

But hey, it’s a window, and I don’t want you to see me.

I don’t want to ruin what we have and may have had

Just because my feelings want to turn something good into something bad

It doesn’t mean I’ve learned anything from you,

Because before the time I’m over it I’ll ruin another heart anew

No, it means I’ll be stubborn and wait

Wait for something that will never come, the imaginary date

Burned behind my eyelids because I love you so much

But I can’t just take away your feelings for someone else as such

We’re friends, nothing more

But I know that that’s not sure

It’s not how I really feel

But it’s how I have to feel

And again I’m writing the lines

To pass the time

Making rhymes that don’t really rhyme

Because my heart provides no beat

And there’s no love-filled melody to meet

The feeling that I’m feeling

Because the feeling’s empty

I’m that person that hurt another

Just for my own, selfish love

To throw it at the other

Though they do not want it

And I guess I’ll keep on burrowing

But only to distract myself

From the love we could’ve had

If you’d not loved someone else

And that’s fine, really, it’s alright

But the thought that you don’t love me is pulling me farther from the light

Into the night

That I onced loved as much as I loved you

But since your indirect confession my love for it has dimmed, too

Dear god, I can’t even describe how you make me feel

Because even when being around you makes me want to turn on my heels

I don’t, because I love you and this love, it feels so real

It makes me feel happy, so I guess what I’ll do

Is hurt my last heart, only to be with you

Not right now of course, but over time

I’ll learn to rhyme with my own rhyme

And do as most other people do

And be happy with my “brothers”- including you.