Me...and my dark secrets

Im Cody M Macken, im 18...Gayer then a three dollar bill...or at least that is what some of my family tells me...haha i dont f*****g care...im gay...i love dick so those that are vomiting at the thought of two guys sucking and f*****g eachother can suck it up and get over it...it not like i dont have to deal with your ...in my mind... nasty sex s**t on almost ever show, movie and program i watch. on another subject....Im a cronichaly depressed individual who doesnt believe he is capibalr of ever being or feeling truly happy....why you might ask? well...let me think....im a fucked up individual with an even more fucked up life that if i had the choice i would not have been born into. and yes...i have tried to escape it on many ocassions...and in many different ways...but unfortunatly the bulit got jamed..the rope somehow managed to break, o and the two bottles of asprin, half bottle of some other pain killer and a ton of blood thiners that i wont mention how i obtained and a s**t ton of alcohol didnt do it either ...so hear i am stuck in a life that i want nothing less to get out or...or at very least i want to start over someplace new where noone knows who i am and i can evolve into anything i want to...cuz at this point in time that is near impossiable. I figure if im just going to openly tell you that i have tried to off my self on several ocasions i might as well give you a reason as to why...that makes sense right? well how do i start this...hell starteed for me at 2...thank you my stupid c**t of a mother o and i cant forget ken...the b*****d who i can never get out of my head....lets start with ken...a wack job of a human being...beat me almost every day of my life until i was nothing but a bloody mess laying crumpled on the floor...just because i wasnt of his blood.,..meaning his son...o and i cant forget how my mom would laugh at it and say that i diserved it for being a s**t head....let me not also forget that ken thought it was fun to put me in pain in ways that no todler or child  should ever be put in...meaning he like to f**k me and send me to his friends houses to get fucked so that he could get money and drugs...this began when i was three...so yes im a bit fucked up in the head from it all...o and it didnt end until i was nearly 11...now im going to put blame on people that when i asked for help wouldnt believe me because my c**t faced mother  had minilupated everyone in my school...showing up to school and asking my guidence counsler for help  ended with me being sent home to that hell hole and being beat to an unconsious state and believe me ..or dont...i tried to get help many times.... all the while i watched my older sister...whos name i will not say...start going down a rode of depression...and whats worse is that i would get tied up and put in a closet and forced to witness my sister being raped by other men just so my mother and ken could get their fix. Im going to stop talking on that subject for now...and just so you know I Do not want your pathetic sympathy...i am not asking for people to be "awwww omg im so fing sorry that happened to you" because i really dont give a f**k what you all think of me...im great at pretending to be happy...i know what people want to hear and i know how to say it and make it believable...so give it a break already...Im a human being incapable of being happy...because who can when no matter how hard you try or what you do your mind constentally replays every memory in vivd detail, or the fact that i have so much trouble sleeping because deep down im f*****g horfyied that someone...ken...is going to rip me out of my bed and start beating me to a bloody pulp again. i may not live with them anymore...and no...even after doing everything i could to have them arested and taking them both to court i still couldnt get the justice i feel that i deserve...to watch them both rot in a prision and be beat and fucked up by all the other inmates in their prisions...but that i am sad to say probaly wont ever happen. funny thing is, is the court i took them to my mother is all buddy buddy with all of them...so i guess it was a failed attempt...i should also mention that if i had the money i would sue the f*****g s**t out of the pos judge burns because i did some digging and i found that before he was a judge he was the one handeling what was suposed to be my mother giving me up to be adopted....this however..as evident never happened...so doesnt that mean that the court case should be thrown out for probable biasness? i mean he litterally worked with my mother i believe...and from what the paper wor says he was an autorney....that makes it highly illegal right?...so hear i am. me...a fucked up person. wanting revenge but is trying to find it in legal means....but that doesnt seem possiable. I guess this is it...o wate i almost forgot....If i ever catch someone hurting a child i will personally beat them to a pulp...and i dont care if i go to prision for it because no child should ever...ever have to go through what i did. their im done...if you have anything you want to ask me...for those of you that have read this all...go for it, ask away...iv already dumped my deepest and darkest secret on you all....and believe me no question is ever stupid....just make sure that if you ask me something that you are ready for whatever the answer may be.

Author's Note

I honestly don't know where to start...this is a mix of some really personal experiences, the way i feel about my self on some mind sets, and memories that i will probably never get out of my head. I won't change or apologize for the way this is written as it is my personal feelings, memories and experiences. I know their are a plethora of spelling and grammar errors...I do apologize for that..If you have any questions or comments I would love for you to post them or mail them to me. I very much thank you for reading

Reviews

[Ursula Kay Vos]

You have faced a lot of horror that no child should face. I know that its hard to overcome. It was for me to overcome. My story isn't the same as yours, and I don't consider abuse a pissing contest of who had it worse. I am going to say, I have been where you are, angry, wanting justice and not getting any. So many things that can never be righted, so many emotions but surprisingly few. It isn't ever easy. Even now, I'm almost 30 and life isn't a page from a cute calendar. But its a lot better than when I was 18, 19 & so on. This is never a life that anyone asks for, but it isn't one anyone that had been given this life can give back. Cody, this is brave and you are brave. Much braver than I think I was at your age, my point? Your going to have to set and break through your own limitations. It isn't easy, my God I'm never going to claim it is! I am going to tel you it is worth it, and that you, you are worth it. I know this because people either become abusers our they become protective and you have stated you protect or at least have the desire to protect. So guess what? You are not a product of your environment, you get to be what ever you want to be. The only block in your path is you. So take it breath by breath, minute by minute and hour by hour, just take your time. You have your whole life ahead of you.
Ursula

[Myranda Arnesen]

Cody, I never realised some one as perfect as you would carry such a burden upon his shoulders. I would be lying if I said that I completely understand, but in a way I do understand. Just reading this helped me sense your pain that you were forced to carry from a young age. I literally cried, not out of sympathy for I cannot feel sympathy towards people anymore, but because I could see each event take place and how the world would be just a bit more cruel if you were not in it. If your gun had not jammed if the rope had stayed taught, if those drugs had slipped you into that dark place away from here, then there would no one left for the kids who's parents beat them just as yours beat you, there would be no one there to tell them that there is some one who appreciates them, who knows how they feel, who can save them by only shining a small light in their otherwise dark world. I know your capable of great things because just after our first meeting, I felt more peaceful than I had in awhile. So please, don't ever try to kill yoirself again, if not for yourself nor those kids who need you, then for me. If you were to die, I would surely die shortly after because I could not stand the darkness in my own heart. Though you may feel as though no one wants you, always remember me, because I love you Cody, and your radiance that shines as a beacon in my darkness.