journal entry....idk...

 i cut my self every night to make sure im still alive. that pain i feel makes me know i can feel something other then the numbness i feel. yes its in part due to the alchol i draink and the blow i inhale do lines of. but even those are to make me feel a diferent kind of numb. its sad...i can run a razor over my skin, watch the skin's surface tear open knowing i should feel it, only the pain is so insignificant. i think, or rather dream when i can sleep that im dieing. iv drempt of falling....only thing is...iv hit the ground, felt the air in my lungs stop and my life slip out of me. in many ways...i think my mind wants me to die. in others i think it wants me to know that i can still feel something. i cant say for certain that thing can be felt. what i do know is im here. much so debating. i dont know what really to do. i honestly would never admit it to anyone i know or meet. im much to good at putting on a smile and making it seem like im perfect, happy, humble...im really truly scared to admit this to anyone. i think im already dead, and somehow im traped in this body that i dont belong in.