Behind the Cloak

An different type of clergy in a different type church

Behind the Cloak

 

He sat at his desk in another attempt to find a message to deliver to the people who came to hear his words of wisdom.  Twenty years of public speaking experience gave him a leg up on most in this profession, as he could read a crowd and change his message according to the group’s attitude and demeanor. 

            He chose a different path from most as well.  Rather than hide behind large buildings, fancy seats and loud music, he preferred smaller, more intimate locations with softer music and less clutter between himself and his listeners.  He had a message and the message for the people, and the message became lost in the modern world. 

            His ancient message came from deep within his heart and soul.  Oh how he loved to see them come to him for his guidance and comfort.  Only then could he show them the way and the truth.

            Almost time to meet the flock, he thought to himself as he glanced at the large grandfather clock on the wall.  As the clock chimed its warning, he donned his robe and prepared to meet his followers.

            Soft music played as they took their seats.  The group was larger than normal tonight.  A good sign he thought to himself.  More and more of his followers were now taking the message to the people, and doing it very quietly. 

            Midnight, and he began to speak to his people.  Softly at first, raising his voice to make his points, never yelling or becoming disturbed with them.  Never making accusations as he heard from this position in his youth, but rather encouraging each to do their best. 

            As they sang the last song of the morning, two new ones came forward.  Wanting, longing for and yes, desiring eternal life. 

            “Should these be denied life eternal?” he asked his followers.  “Can one of you deny them the path to eternal life for any reason?”

            The answer was a resounding “No” from the followers as he bade the last converts sit with him in front of all present.

            Skillfully, with quick and silent movements, he gave each the bite of eternal life.  Quickly, he raised each from their seats and gave them their charge. 

            “Avoid the sun, and contact with the dead.  Live and pass on this gift of life to any you love, but never to an enemy.”

            The twenty-first century proved to be the most hallowed time of all for vampires to flourish.

 

 

Reviews

[Kaij aka the Crit B***h]

Merry Meet.

Well, I have to say, I didn't even think of this to be something about a vampire. Ha! You fooled me, nice. Hm, there's not much that I see mistake-wise, only a few things I'll nit-pick on. Let's see, everything I say is in my opinion, not yours. You are the author, I'm the reviewer.

Let's begin.

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1.) You have a lot of missing commas all in a bundle. Just watch out for them, as it can be annoying when a comma is not in its proper place.

- Oh[,] how he loved to see them come to him for his guidance and comfort.
- A good sign[,] he thought to himself.
- Wanting, longing for[,] and[,] yes, desiring eternal life.

2.) Can you guess what all of these have in common?

More and more of his followers were now taking the message to the people, and doing it very quietly
Softly at first, raising his voice to make his points, never yelling or becoming disturbed with them.
Skillfully, with quick and silent movements, he gave each the bite of eternal life.
Quickly, he raised each from their seats and gave them their charge.

If you guessed adverbs, you win! *smacks* Now take them out! Adverbs are not needed. Crank out the wrecking ball and destroy the buggers.

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Well, like I said, nothing much to point out, but you've got my hints and tips on things. You don't have to do anything I say, of course, it's all your choice.

Until next time.

[TL Boehm]

nice little twist at the end. Interesting narrative. I would like to see this one taken and developed - maybe into a longer piece. You have a lot of "description" here of who he was and what he did - that could be turned into scenes, and chapters.

[Salvatore Buttaci]

Congratulations for winning the vampire contest!

[Doctor Deathstab]

A wonderful short story about a vampire. Religion is definitely the way to spread your twistedness. Personally, I think you should work on making it longer. Perhaps you should write about what led up to the vampire creating his cult. What type of personality does he have? You have so much potential with this idea, so I encourage you to ellaborate.

[Jen]

Hmmm... I like the twist at the end. At first I was picturing perhaps a Satanic mass. I get the picture of the tottering old priest, comfortable in his robes, passionate about his beliefs. The language you use in this piece is rather stilted (not so much cliche as its just the language I see a lot of in "preacher" stories, no matter the subject.) It works as the MC's voice, but I feel like you could make this piece a lot more powerful. Listen to Kaij's review. There is a lot of good advice in there. All in all, good story. Thanks for sharing.

[deeps]

I really enjoyed this read
I really like this. Wonderful write here.

[Sean M. Addams]

I really like the detail and imagery you have put into this piece.... Ending was a nice surprise too overall nice job on this and thanks for entering the contest.

[Salvatore Buttaci]

Congratulations on your vampire-contest win!

Sal