When I die

Something random I wrote, because I couldn't sleep.

When I die.

Chris C.

                I don’t know what it is, but I just can’t seem to reach a state of normality. I am either worried all the time, feel depressed and alone, or feel as if I am physically dying. There is nothing worse than this fear. A deep ever-reaching fear that encapsulates my every thought. Every moment of my life, ruled by it. Ruined by the fear of dying. I’m sure most people fear death, but not as often and intensely as I have the past year or so. I’m only 22, I shouldn’t be thinking this. I should be healthy and alive, living a life worth living. Instead I’m anxious and medicated into zombification during my every waking moment. The fear placates me into another reality. One in which I can’t function as a normal being anymore. A vicious cycle where I’m tired of being alone, yet I have these fears and physical pains that prevent me from putting myself out there, as a person, as me. The person who I should be. Maybe it was the years of constant mind alterations of the drug variety I put myself through that have altered my brain chemistry so much, I am no longer able to feel “normal”. No longer able to feel anything anymore. What is “normal”? I don’t know anymore. It’s a scary thought, dying alone. I guess if you think about it, we all die alone. Just how we were brought into existence. One blink of an eye and you’re here, then in an instant, you are gone. Gone where? I don’t know.  Nobody does. Only those who have gone through it. Unfortunately they are not around to give advice. I can only hope that when I die, my final thought is of a good memory. One good enough to resonate through my dreams in the afterlife of my new consciousness. I think that’s what death is like, a very long dream. One so vivid it becomes real, to you, to your soul, your energy that leaves this world and journeys into the next. Maybe you are not alone in this journey. There are others with you. Loved ones, ones you once knew but have passed on into their new realities too. They say the only part of you that burns in hell, is the part of you that won’t let go. The memories of your former life. Understand that they are not torturing or punishing you, but freeing your soul to move on into the next. If you struggle and try and hold on to those memories, they appear as demons tearing your life apart. But if you accept and let go, the demons are really angels helping you into heaven, into the bliss of your freed soul. I hope I am able to let go and not try to hang on out of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of infinite solitude. Coldness, and darkness instead of lightness and life. I don’t want to die alone. But something tells me that when I do, I won’t be alone. At least I can hope that. We’re all alone really. Isolate ourselves from one another, instead of embracing each other with the understanding that we are all connected. We will all make that final journey. We only have so much time to experience this reality with each other. Why isolate yourself? Out of fear of letting others see your faults, imperfections, pain, the real you. The vulnerable human being that we start as, and inevitably leave this world as. It is a never ending cycle, a circle of reality. Everything in the universe oscillates. Like waves, in and out, positive then negative, and back up to positive again. When we die we circle back to where we began. A never ending math equation with infinite solutions. The universe will expand and contract, then expand again; and continue this forever. Much like your heart. A pulse that keeps on going in an extensive loop of chaotic consequences. Each with their own outcome. Like riding an escalator watching life unfold at random, only to find that the end of the ride is just the beginning again. Over and over you ride experiencing every possible sequence all at the same time. You never get off, only start over again. Each time is different, yet at some point in the sequence, it was the same. The same as it was last time, and the time before that, and the time before that. It just feels new because the ride is new. This time and the next, and every time after one another. It always feels new, but is just the recycling of the energy. Entropy taking over, transferring your energy from one reality to the next. Leaving some behind or taking a little extra with you. Making a new you each time, just slightly different. Throughout this journey you ask yourself one question, but can never find the answer, because you are unable to accept the truth. That the answer was always there, right in front of you. Once you accept it, it makes sense as it always has. There always was and always will be. The question you ask yourself on this journey. Where do circles begin?

Author's Note

Again I randomly wrote this. It was something I wrote down in a journal for myself, but decided to post it somewhere for someone to read.