Remembering

I remember how happy I felt last April.

 

I remember how sad I felt last June. And July.

 

I remember standing on the rim of the Grand Canyon in complete awe, my breath catching in my throat.

 

I remember Mom yelling at my sister and I for being too close to the edge even though we weren’t that close.

 

I remember crying on stage when my sister and I performed our last duet.

 

I remember hugging her backstage for a very long time right after we performed.

 

I remember feeling her tears dripping on my shoulder.

 

I remember when I only liked even numbers.

 

I remember when I first fell in love. We were hugging and mindlessly swaying back and forth in his living room and he looked at me and said, “Hey, we’re slow dancing.”

 

I remember when I fell in love with him again. We were lying in bed with our arms intertwined in a position that looked like we were about to hop out of bed and start tango-ing and then I lifted my leg up to get out from under the covers because I was hot and the way I did it was really artsy for some reason and then he copied me and said, “Look, we’re dancing.”

 

I remember eating pumpkin and cider doughnut frozen yogurt mixed together with yogurt chips on top.

 

I remember getting on the completely wrong train to get to the Lorde concert, having to hail a taxi (which turned out to be absurdly hard even though I was in the city), and walking into the venue as Lorde was walking onto the stage.

 

I remember thinking such perfect timing was a once in a lifetime thing.

 

I remember sobbing to my coach on a recruiting weekend, begging him to let me skip the stupid volleyball game to go to a concert I already had tickets for. He said I had to stay for the first half and then I could leave and I drove an hour, parked, and then walked into the concert right as the band was walking on.

 

I remember realizing that such perfect timing was a twice in a lifetime thing.

 

I remember trying to convince my parents to let me get a kitten from a Petco in Washington D.C.

 

I remember that I don’t even really like cats.

 

I remember eating a bunch of cookies that my aunt sent me in a care package even though I have a gluten allergy and feeling sick all night because of it.

 

I remember feeling very sick the day we had our dog put down. I still feel sick when I think about it. I miss her.

 

I remember when I came into my room one night and my roommate and her boyfriend were snoring so loud that I walked right back out and slept on the couch in the living room.

 

I remember the first time I ever saw my roommate and how horrified I was.

 

I remember saying that I was going to start being nicer to her. I think I have been.

 

I remember playing Brick Breaker back when I had a Blackberry.

 

I remember standing in a dance studio with huge windows on 37^th St. and feeling so full of life that I thought part of me might start spilling onto the floor.

 

I remember thinking how embarrassing that would be.

 

I remember when I said that writing 50 I remembers would be easy. It’s a little harder than I thought, but not much.

 

I remember the first thing I said to Billy.

 

I remember the last thing I said to Billy.

 

I remember that I forgot about his birthday until it was already a month past.

 

I remember being happy that I forgot.

 

I remember being happy on my sixteenth birthday.

 

I remember being miserable on my fifteenth birthday.

 

I remember feeling sad on my twentieth birthday.

 

I remember getting a speeding ticket on an empty highway and being amazed that the one time it could’ve been useful to cry, I didn’t cry.

 

I remember crying as soon as the police officer drove away.

 

I remember when my dad was driving around the block while I picked up the pizza at the pizza place and when I came out I saw his car driving away to make another round so I ran after it, but it wasn’t his car and I was chasing a stranger.

 

I remember waking up from ankle surgery and Mom giving me a stuffed bear. I named it Jacob and it still sits at the foot of my bed.

 

I remember eating so much last Thanksgiving that I genuinely thought my stomach might explode. I had to go for a walk immediately after because I felt so full that I couldn’t even sit down.

 

I remember how fulfilled (or maybe even overfilled) I felt after seeing my first concert. I didn’t know what to do with myself. It felt like nothing else mattered for a little while.

 

I remember realizing that nothing matters.

 

I remember wishing that things did matter and trying to convince myself that the concept of mattering makes sense in this world.

 

I remember thinking that nobody could possibly understand what goes through my head. I still think this every day.

 

I remember wishing I was normal.

 

I remember thinking that if I were normal, I’d be less lonely.

 

I remember thinking that normal is boring.

 

I remember coming back from saving $100 Black Friday shopping at Urban Outfitters and seeing a $100 bright pink parking ticket on my windshield.

 

I remember when Billy would wrap his arm around me while we were walking and how it would make me jump because it felt so good that it was painful. I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything else quite like that before.

 

I remember that my mom made me wait until I was eighteen to get my drivers license even though all my friends got theirs at sixteen.

 

I remember her making me wait until two weeks after my birthday to go and take the drivers test because I walked on my sprained ankle even though I was supposed to be using crutches.

 

I remember failing my permit test twice and having to go back the next day because you can only try twice per day.

 

I remember thinking that I remember a lot of things involving cars, but I’m not really even a car person.

 

I remember when my sister bought a hula girl bobble head for her car to match the one in mine.

 

I remember how excited I was the first time I saw snow and how annoyed everyone was around me because it was snowing.

 

I remember the moment when I first became truly aware of death. I was in yoga class and I was nineteen years old and I thought I might throw up or faint, but instead I kept holding Peaceful Warrior.

 

I remember thinking that I shouldn’t end this on such a sad note.

 

I remember thinking that I will anyway since I’ve already remembered more than fifty things.