The Old World

A revised copy of The Old World, now titled Valhalla. Please any critique is welcomed.

Chapter 1: Valhalla

            “You three think that you can stop me?” Bane said with an undead tone.  

            “We will rid the world of your plague Bane!” shouted Blanc, the psychic warrior, as he leads his brothers Zander and Seryth to battle. Bane raises a legion of undead from the fallen soldiers. .  

            “Zander summon your pets!” Blanc commands. Zander the druid summons a pack of artic wolves to aid the trio in combat. The artic wolves races past Blanc engaging the legion of undead. The pack sinks their razor sharp teeth into the flesh of the undead as the undead legion swarms the group of hero’s. Blanc engages the risen in battle, shattering their skulls with every swing of his war hammer. Seryth, the rogue, stepping through the shadows severs the limbs of the risen with every swing of his kukri, and disemboweling them with every thrust of his katara. Zander launches his trident with such force it spears two zombies and pins a third to the wall. He then shape shifts into a saber-tooth and leaps into the air crushing an undead upon landing and penetrating its skull with its foot-long canines.  

            “You three fared well against my mindless zombies, but how about one another.” Bane laughs putting Zander under a hex.

            “You handle Zander as I deal with Bane. Try not to injure Zander to badly we may need him yet.” Blanc commanded Seryth. Seryth slashes at Zander with his kukri obtaining his attention, as Blanc charges at Bane. Blanc swings his war hammer over his head at Bane, but Bane blocks it by conjuring a bone wall. As Blanc shatters the bone wall, he gracefully follows up with a left, side swipe, as Bane quickly unsheathes his sword disarming Blanc. Bane viciously attacks the defenseless warrior. Blanc instinctively reverts to his wrestling skills, as he majestically dodges each violent attacks. Blanc catches sight of his hammer and rolls to retrieve it. As Blanc recovers he finishes with a front kick to the sternum launching Bane to his back. Blanc rushes over and smashes his hammer at Bane. Bane desperately rolls out of the way, to his knees. Blanc recoils with another forceful swing of his hammer, but Bane quickly turns to his back blocking the blow with his sword.

            “Seryth how are you doing with Zander?” shouts Blanc.

            “He is still under the hex--!” yells Zander

            “Release him Bane!” Blanc orders

            “Release him? The only way to free his mind is to kill me!” Bane chuckles as he

struggles to repel the brute strength of Blanc and weight of his war hammer.

            “With pleasure” replies Blanc releasing the pressure, Bane sweeps at Blanc’s legs, sending him to his back. Bane returns to his feet and thrusts at Blanc’s chest. Out of the corner of Seryth’s eye he realizes his brother’s fate and slings a throwing knife into the shoulder of Bane causing the sword to glance off Blanc’s titanium forged breastplate. Relieved Blanc springs from his back catching Bane by the neck with the shaft of his war hammer. Weaken and shaken Blanc can barely hold the now infuriated Bane. Desperate for an end Blanc uses his psychic ability to communicate with Zander.

            “Zander launch your trident at Bane!” Zander ferociously attack Seryth, which sprung from Seryth saving Blanc. Zander stops at the last second sparing Seryth’s life and launches his trident at Bane, sending it through both Bane and his brother. As both collapse to the floor Zander returns to his sanity. Hurt and drifting fast Blanc calls for healing from Zander. Zander tries with all his power to no avail. Blanc’s last words confuse Zander and a wounded Seryth. It was simply, she’s beautiful. A beam of light shines down on Blanc as a heavenly body descends from the light. The women wears a gold breastplate and bikini, the light reflected majestically off her angel wings, but this was no mere angel, this was a Valkyrie. As the Valkyrie hovered over Blanc she extended her loving hand saying, “Come with me.” In a sensual voice, together in harmony Blanc embraces the Valkyrie as they enter a tranquility scene of hundreds of Valkyries that are similar to the one that has taken him to this place.

            “Where am I?” Blanc asked mesmerized by the scene.

            “Valhalla.” The woman’s sensual voice echoes through Blanc’s mind.

            “Valhalla?” Blanc asks. Valhalla, a heavenly site, a place resting in the clouds where brave souls reside for all eternity, awaiting for their time to be place back on Midgard for one last battle between good and evil.

            “Yes the land of the Valkyrie’s this is your heaven. Come you must meet our god.” The Valkyrie leads Blanc to a throne where a giant of a man sat.

            “My lord I have brought a warrior to Valhalla.”

            “I see, what is his name?” The lord asked.

            “Blanc.” The Valkyrie said.

            “Blanc. Ah yes I remember now, he is the one that did battle with Bane.” The lord said

            “Correct.” The Valkyrie said.

            “Welcome to Valhalla Blanc I am Odin one of the gods that governs Valhalla. The other is a goddess named, Freya she governs over the Valkyries. Astrithr shall escort you to your room, einharjar.” Odin said

            “Farewell my lord. Come Blanc.” Astrithr escorts Blanc to his room. They walk through the clouds of Valhalla to a hut with a grizzly bear’s fur serving as a door.

            “This is where you will stay Blanc.” Astrithr said peeling back the bear pelt.

            “Astrithr may I ask you a question?” Blanc asked

            “Yes?” Astrithr asked as she makes the bed.

            “Why did Odin call me an einharjar?” Blanc asked.

            “Einharjar is the name of the fallen soldiers that we take here.” Astrithr said.

            “I see.” Blanc lays on the bed drifting asleep.

*****

            “Blanc!” Zander and Seryth shouted as their brother collapsed to the floor. They rushed to Blanc’s side,

            “Stand back I’m going to try to heal him.” Zander quickly cast his most powerful healing spell multiple times but, was unsuccessful. A ray of light floods the body of Blanc as a small white orb hovered over Blanc.

            “She’s beautiful.” Blanc said and that was it. Zander and Seryth looked at each other confused.

            “Come on Zander we must get him to the city.” Zander and Seryth carried their brother corpse back to the city.

            “Blanc!” The king rushed to Zander and Seryth. “What happen?”

            “Bane put a hex on Zander, and the only way to free Zander was to kill Bane. Blanc sacrificed himself to kill Bane.”

            “Fool. He didn’t have to sacrifice himself. There must’ve been another option.” The King said in denial.

            “There was no other option. He had to do it, in order to keep us safe.” Zander replied.

            “Druids take Blanc and prepare for a funeral. Zander and Seryth go rest there is no need for you.” The king said.

            “Yes sire.” Zander and Seryth bowed and returned to their huts.      

*****

            “Good morning Astrithr.” Blanc said. The two took a stroll around Valhalla. They came to a temple.

            “This is the temple, here you can watch over your brothers.” Astrithr said.

            “How do you know about my brothers?” Blanc asked.

            “I know everything about you Blanc. I have watched over you since you were born.” Astrithr said.

            “May I watch my brothers?” Blanc asked.

            “As you wish I will return to your room.” Astrithr departed. Blanc entered the temple. The floor is made out of glass with clouds underneath, as Blanc walks to the middle of the temple the clouds dissipated before him revealing his brothers.

*****

            “Zander.” Seryth whispers, pushing a wolf hide aside as he enters Zander’s hut.

            “What is it Seryth?” Zander asked.

            “It’s time for the ceremony.” Seryth said

            “Then let’s not be late.” Zander said as both of them make their way to the bay where the ceremony is being held. Blanc’s body rested in a boat with his armor on and his war hammer resting on his chest with arms cross over the war hammer. The King rises out of his seat and holds out his arms. The crowd grows quiet.

            “Thank you all for showing up on this dark day. This morning we have learned that one of the three brothers had to make a sacrifice in order to save us all. Blanc and his brothers fought hard against the tormented Bane. Bane corrupted Zander’s mind forcing him to attack against his own brethren. Blanc took it upon himself to do battle with Bane and in doing so learn that the only way to save us he would have to sacrifice himself by forcing Zander to throw his trident killing Bane and himself. We pray that the gods have accepted his sacrifice.” Zander steps up.

            “He was the greatest warrior and even greater brother. I will never forget what I have done. Nevertheless, we have had many great victories. I am sure that he is looking down from the heavens watching us at this very moment. I will be awaiting my time to see my brother again when my time comes, may his soul rest in peace.” Seryth steps forward.

            “They say that when triplets are born they are the strongest, but when I saw my brother collapse to the ground I felt the most vulnerable. At that moment I thought that my time had come as well. Zander and I are still here though and we shall not let our brother’s name die in vain. We shall protect the city. Together--and we will always remember our fallen brethren, until we meet again.” Seryth and Zander both look up to a ray of light shining down in the distant ocean. The clouds accumulate underneath the glass.

            “Wait I wasn’t finished!” Blanc said frustrated. 

            “We don’t allow einharjar’s to watch their funerals.” Odin said.

            “Odin? Please forgive me I did not know.” Blanc quickly kneels.

            “It’s ok many einharjar’s come here the first day not knowing that it is their funeral they’re spectating.” Odin reassures.

            “Yes he is new here is he not?” Bane asked.

            “Bane!” Blanc shouted.

            “It’s alright Blanc.” Odin said.

            “What’s the matter Blanc it seems you seen a ghost. Surely you weren’t expecting something else.” Bane said.

            “How did you get into Valhalla?” Blanc asked.

            “Blanc calm down. I had to bring him here.” Odin said.

            “What do you mean?” Blanc asked.

            “Both of you will fight once more. The victor will be granted one wish.” Odin said.

            “Bane could return to Midgard.” Blanc thought irritable Blanc leaves the temple to his hut where Astrithr awaited.

            “Something troubling you Blanc?” Astrithr asked.

            “Bane is in Valhalla, how is this possible? Bane is a tormented soul, a soul that deserves a place beside the wretched Helga.” Blanc said.

            “Has anyone told you about the myth behind Bane?” Astrithr asked.

            “Myth? No, Zander had always found pleasure reading the ancient texts; I was too busy harnessing my combat skills.” Blanc said now wishing to have taken a history lesson from his brother.

            “Then let me share it with you. In ancient times before Helga was ruler of Helheimr or what is known to you as Hell. During this time humans were beginning to learn about other worlds that were made by the gods. Worlds that are inhabited by creatures of mythic even godly powers, Helga was one of these humans who obsessed over the thought, tracking relics and tomes giving her the knowledge of the location of Midgard’s portal, a portal giving access to the other eight worlds. Odin tried desperately to steer Helga away from finding the portal, but failed to do so. Odin fearing the worst summoned Bane, the strongest warrior in the realm of Humans, making him the protector of Midgard giving him godly powers to overcome the tyrant, Helga. However, Odin wasn’t aware of Helga’s gift, the gift of soul trapping. With this gift Helga could take any soul imprisoning it in a shard of stone. In the battle between Helga and Midgard’s protector Helga used her gift, with all hope lost Odin created the last realm, Hell.” Astrithr said.

            “Since I killed the evil side of Bane, then his soul was set free?” Blanc asked.

            “Bane had always resided here in Valhalla. One of the side of effects of Helga’s soul trap is killing the host. Helga still has Bane’s soul locked within that stone, the only way to destroy the soul is to destroy the shard itself.” Astrithr said.

            “Then Bane can still be walking Midgard?” Blanc asked.

            “Not likely, It took Helga two thousand years to create the Bane that you fought.” Astrithr said.

            “Then why has Odin just set up a battle between Bane and me?” Blanc asked.

            “This is a battle that Bane had wanted for many years after discovering you and your brothers gifts. Bane has one wish which is to become a Demigod, half man half god. However in order to do this he must be the victor of a battle with a great warrior such as you. This is a battle he had asked for since the discovery of your psychic powers when you were seven.” Astrithr said.

            “I won’t forget that day. Seryth was about to have his hand chopped off for stealing. I clouded the guard’s mind forcing him to believe there were bandits about to cut him down, giving us time to escape. Later I learned the guard was relieved of his services, I don’t know what became of him them.” Blanc said.

            “What would you wish for?” Astrithr asked.

            “I’m not sure, haven’t thought about it.” Blanc said.

            “Let us rest, you have a long day ahead of you.” Astrithr said.

            The next day Blanc awakes to Astrithr lying next to him. Trying his best not to wake the lovely Valkyrie he crawls out of bed.

            “Where are you off to?” Astrithr asked as Blanc buttons his trousers.

            “I will be back later. I must train.” Blanc said and departs to the barracks. Blanc dons his armor and grabs his war hammer. He turns to inspect the room to find the designated training room. There to the left of him lays a doorway leading him to a room full of dummies ranging from the typical straw to diamond. Blanc faces the diamond dummy admiring the beauty, then smiles as he withdraws his hammer shattering the dummy into tiny fragments. As Blanc begins to laugh he quickly notices he is not alone anymore, fearing it was Bane, Blanc turns with his war-hammer at the ready.

            “Hey Blanc.” Astrithr said.

            “Astrithr, what are you doing here?” Blanc asked, almost relieved at the site.

            “Help to prepare you.” Astrithr said.

            “How?” Blanc asked.

            “How about a little one on one sparring match?” Astrithr asked.

            “If you want to, but I won’t go easy.” Blanc said.

            “Wouldn’t have it any other way.” Astrithr said as a sword and shield magically appear in her hands. Astrithr strikes first with a basic slash. Blanc easily deflects the attack.

            “Surely you can do better, after all you have watched over me all my life.” Blanc boasted.

            “I was just testing you.” Astrithr said as she strikes with lightning fast speed landing several hits on Blanc, but none to raise alarm.

            “I have to admire your speed, but the force behind each swing is terrible.” Blanc said.

            “Let’s see some of your offense tough guy.” Astrithr mocked. Blanc turns to the offensive as he dances his war-hammer gracefully and forcefully, however Astrithr wouldn’t be defeated that easily for she blocked each attack and disarms Blanc on the last swing.

            “Now let’s see some of that wrestling background.” Astrithr said. Blanc circles Astrithr measuring every angle, seeking the best to avoid catching a blade. Blanc makes his move taking Astrithr to the ground.

            “Ah, I see you do have some quickness behind those bulky muscles.” Astrithr said.

            “Not as fast as you though.” Blanc said as he stares into her eyes and presses his lips against hers as he snakes his hands up her slender body. Astrithr turns Blanc to his back.

            “Follow me.” Astrithr said raising to her feet. The two enter their hut and Blanc lays Astrithr on the bed.

*****

Zander arrives to the Druid’s Grove after a three days hike through the forest.

            “Welcome back Zander. What brings you to the Grove?” The Druid leader asked.

            “Forgive my uninvited arrival, Arch druid.” Zander said bowing.

            “Do not fret my child, what has brought you here?” The Arch druid asked.

            “I have come to seek knowledge in healing.” Zander said.

            “But you have already learned most of our healing methods.” The Arch druid said.

            “That I have, but I seek knowledge beyond mere methods. I seek the power to save one’s life from leaving our world.” Zander said.

            “No doubt this has anything to do with the loss of your brother whom has been gone for two weeks.” The Arch druid said.

            “That is correct. I know nothing can bring him back, but that doesn’t take away the fact that I have another brother willing to sacrifice his self just as Blanc did for all of us.” Zander said.

            “As you know a ritual must be conducted to ensure your readiness before I can teach you the advance spells.” The Arch druid said.

            “What must be done?” Zander asked.

            “Verya.” The Arch druid said. Verya, a young druid maiden, wears a forest green robe indicating she is of the lowest rank amongst the druids, but who is far superior then the healers of the outside world.

            “Yes Lord.” Verya asked.

            “Take Zander and prepare him for the rites of wisdom.” The Arch druid said.

            “As you wish my Lord, this way please.” Verya said motioning Zander. Zander joined the fair maiden. “So you wish to become a bard?” Verya asked.

            “I only wish to know how to prevent death.” Zander said.

            “Death is inedible surely someone with your stature knows this?” Verya asked.

            “I only know what I’ve been told, just as you were. But I intend to keep the ones I care for alive.” Zander said.

            “Even if the consequence surpasses the action?” Verya asked.

            “Yes.” Zander said. The couple approached a hollowed out red oak tree.

            “This is as far as we go together. In order for you to pass this rite you will have to survive three days and three nights inside the den. On the fourth day if you emerge you will be ready to obtain the knowledge you desire.” Verya said and departs. Zander enters the den where he is welcomed to a bear pelt covering the Earth, Zander sits down on the pelt and runs his fingers across the smooth bear hide triggering a switch that forces the entrance to the outside world blocked. Darkness consumes the once lighted den forcing Zander to begin the trial. Zander enters a trance awaiting the fourth sun rise.     

*****

            As Blanc awakes he finally figured out what he would wish for tomorrow after the fight with Bane, to spend an eternity with Astrithr in Valhalla. Blanc not wanting to start the day, but to remain at Astrithr’s side knows that he must continue his training. Blanc leaves his hut making his way back to the barracks there Odin stands before him.

            “Good morning Blanc, you here to train?” Odin asked.

            “Yes, if I may.” Blanc said.

            “You may, but first what will you wish for if you are the victor?” Odin asked.

            “Spend the rest of my time here with Astrithr.” Blanc said.

            “Oh, and why not wish to return to Midgard to live another life with your brothers?” Odin asked.

            “Well something changed my mind last night.” Blanc said.

            “Is that so? I will not keep you any longer.” Odin said leaving Blanc alone, but just before Blanc enters the barracks Astrithr came up behind him.

            “Hey just what do you think you’re doing?” Astrithr asked.

            “About to train.” Blanc said.

            “Without me, I don’t think so.” Astrithr said.

            “Didn’t think you wanted to.” Blanc said Astrithr walked past him entering the training room before him. Astrithr conjures her sword and shield once more and the fight was on. The two went back and forth changing from offensive to defensive, Astrithr speed surpassed Blanc’s allowing her to land more hits, but Blanc’s strength did not fail him, for each hit he landed slowed the Valkyrie. As Astrithr pressed the assault Blanc seemed to be losing his strength.

            “You’re not tiring are you?” Astrithr asked concern.

             “No, but I do feel the weight returning to my hammer.” Blanc said.

            “Weight, there is no weight in Valhalla. We best get to Odin he’ll know what to do.” Astrithr said. The two ran as fast as they could, but Blanc’s speed was being hindered by the sickness that has taken him. The two barge into Odin’s Hall as Blanc collapses to the ground.

            “My lord Blanc has taken ill.” Astrithr cried. Startled Odin walks to Blanc.

            “What illness?” Odin asked.

            “He says that weight has burdened him, it’s as if he is becoming mortal once more.” Astrithr said.

            “How is this possible?” Odin asked as his eye shines as bright as the sun.

            “Odin, please I wish to stay here.” Blanc said, but was more of a whispered.

            “Father do something, he must not leave.” Astrithr cried once more.

            “I fear there is nothing I can do. It is Zander, he wishes to resurrect his fallen brother.” Odin said as if able to see Midgard through the sun. As Odin’s eye returns to normal Blanc’s body disappears leaving Astrithr grasping the cloud-ground with tears racing down her face.

As Zander finishes the ritual Blanc breathes in Midgard’s air once more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Amaya Sullivan]

It is a very good story with a lot of potential, and you are on a great track. It sounds as if you know exactly where you would like to take this story.

I admire the approach on how you begin the book; however, it feels as if I jumped right into the book. This approach is fine, but it should be more forgiving. It should be an attention grabber, but I am met with confusion.
I would switch the first two dialogues around:

“‘We will rid the world of your plague, Bane!’ Blanc shouted, the psychic warrior, leading his brothers, Zander and Seryth to battle. Bane calls forth a legion of undead from the mass of fallen soldiers that litter the battlefield already.”
“ ‘You three think that you can stop me?’ A dark voice boomed.”

Now I am wondering, why there is a battle? Who is Bane? What is going on? What are they fighting for? My curiosity has taken over me now, and I must read on.

Slow down your writing. I am working on this as well. Everything is rushed. One way to slow down would be to develop your characters and add more description. This is a very hard for me as well here is an example:

“Blinded by the gently, golden ray of light, Blanc’s vision finally rescues him. Staring in awe at the beauty of this mysterious woman dressed in white and gold, she finally approached him extending her hand to him.
‘Come with me,’ mesmerized by the sweet, yet sensual voice, which escaped her soft lips, he took her hand and disappeared into the golden light. Blanc was graced immediately with the presences of beautiful women all dressed in white and gold robes.
‘Where am I’
‘Valhalla’
‘Valhalla?’
‘Yes, the land of the Valkyrie, and where fallen soldiers come,’

When I am out shopping or watching a movie, I try to describe their movements after some speaks or if I am just in my car I try to describe how the wind is blowing through the trees (It is very hard).

Your fight scenes will need more description as well. Readers should feel the pressure of the fight through your writing as well. I am not great with fight scenes, so I am not able to give much help here. It will take more research for me. The fight scene in the arena of Valhalla did not tell me that Blanc was a better fighter.

Seryth and Zander just lost their brother, and there is little to no emotion portrayed how they feel after this. When you develop your characters, their personality will play apart here as they could feel anger, blame, guilt, and sorrow would be great emotions. The King should have a personality as well. He seemed like a robot when he found out Blanc had died.
It seems like you avoid all romance innuendos between Astrithr and Blanc and skipped to the fact she is pregnant. Also, you throw in Odin is her father. It would be great if it would be explained.

With all this being said, it appears like you put about two or three chapters into one.

It is a very interesting start to a great story, and I hope I wasn’t mean in the review; just would like to help and give you a very thorough review.

Thanks for the submission and good luck!

Keep writing!

[cody]

Thank you to the review this helps a lot to see where I am at and where i can improve.

[Amaya Sullivan]

anytime! Oh, I meant to tell you, create a handwritten journal for your book. This way when you are struck with an idea you can write it down for later. Also, it helps you pace and keep track of all your characters. Especially when you are writing about a species. Whether you are developing a new one or expounding on an existing one, the journal will become your bible, so to speak.

I write about it in my blog.

Keep writing!

[cody]

awesome thanks for the tip