The Cadence of the Grave

This is just a blurb that I started. Basically just want to see if it is a story that people would like to hear more of. I know its sort and even kinda slow but I was just throwing it out there as maybe a short story beggining. Also I have no idea what th

 

 

 

            The boy’s heels, in near unison, tapped lightly against the iron bound teak slats of the drum he sat upon. Faded Chinese characters warning of the gunpowder inside ran the length of the drum, indecipherable to the boy and unnoticed by the sweeper . The boy tried to hide his prolonged gazes, as the sweeper's eye patch dangled below the wreckage of flesh it was  meant to conceal. Perhaps the sweeper felt the stare, but he merely shuffled about in random patterns.

The boy knew what a noose was but wonder why so many hung from the tattered rafters of the parlor’s front room. The roof’s clay tiles filtered a few streaks of the fading afternoon light down into the chasm of the shack and the boy could make out several other items clinging to the beams. Burlap, line, and netting...useless, but  too old to burn for cooking and warming hearths were rare this far south. He could hear the harbor lap at the pier footings below the structure and could feel the whole animal of the wharf shake through the drum as the docking carriages passed the bamboo façade framing the open windows of the den.

Just beyond the sweeper and through the haze of incense the boy could see the mangled staircase crawl its way to the tearooms above. Very little sound opposed the scrape of the wicker catching the knotholes of the floorboards. The taps above the parlor’s ceiling the boy was sure were the Merchant’s boots, as he knew the Mechant would never take them off ashore. The boy’s brow creased as he strained to subtly cast his eyes toward the sound. His very mannerisms pulled toward the assertive, articulate thuds as they moved over him. He followed the steps intently as they moved aft from the entrance of the den until his gaze met the dull stare of the sweeper, realizing only then the wicker was silent.

He quickly completed the trajectory of his observation, pressing his chin onto the brim of the Merchant’s tricorne, so as to dissuade the sweeper from suspecting his affiliation. The boy was still, the hat was far too large for him. The sweeper upended the broom and rapped the handle against both the floor and the crating fixture atop which bottles of absinthe rattled from the impact. The sweeper darted forward, his robe billowing out from below his jacket and well beyond the old man’s width. His thin white leggings strained against the near horizontal lengths as they trailed. The boy’s feet now lay still against the barrel, tensed in preparation to spring from the perch. The sweeper neared and the boy ran his finger along the pearl handle tucked in his smock. But the sweeper strayed off course, his shuffled steps moving just aside the barrel as he reached the door.

The boy slowly exhaled easing the pearl back between the folds. He could see the shaking hands of the old man surveying the jamb of the door and finally struggling to grasp the hemp pull. The sweeper was blind. 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Uh, just let me know what you think in general

Reviews

[vamplit]

Very atmospheric definately worth working up into a prologue or short story. I liked this phrase very much 'he could feel the whole animal of the wharf' likening the place to a living thing was inspired. Everything in this opening is very fluid and you could go wherever your imagination leads you. I look forward to reading more.

[emmajoy]

Let you know what i think .. alright: I've read this twice, second time aloud.

Whilst I'd love to read more of this because the feeling within the writing jumps out at this reader and there's an almost forboding but exciting atmosphere hidden in your words, I wonder if perhaps you could read it aloud to hear where certain words and phrases are irrevelant or too long. However, saying that . there are some great sentences: ' .. could see the mangled staircase crawl its way to the tearooms above. Very little sound opposed the scrape of the wicker catching the knotholes of the floorboards.. '

Just want to add that the theme's unusual and those final words really do pave the way ..

Please, please continue with this ..

[Angel's Lady]

A damn good start...I would definitely read more. A couple of misused words, but otherwise, most assuredly something that I would keep reading...

[cloister]

I agree with vamplit that you have a great knack for conveying a sense of place. Atmosphere. That's a great strength to work off of.

However, you need to edit. Many of the sentences in this piece are confusing or outright un-grammatical.

You tend to use "and" as a connector when something more meaningful ("so", or "but", or "yet") would do a better job of helping the reader understand the connection between different clauses in a sentence. "And", although everyone uses it, it an utterly boring word. Strive to find replacements for it wherever possible.

Overall, I feel that while your writing has a certain flair and strength to it, it definitely needs to be made tighter without sacrificing the flair contained within it. To achieve that, I have two suggestions.

The first comes from Stephen King: make it 10% shorter. His advice, if you've read "On Writing," is that a good goal in editing is to make ANY piece of writing 10% shorter, and thus, 10% better.

The second is a tip for helping yourself find the rough spots: read the piece out loud. Seriously. Get a microphone and actually record yourself reading it. Anything you trip or stumble over while trying to read out loud is something you should edit until it is smooth and natural. It's a great tip for engaging the "reader" part of your brain, rather than merely using your eyes to let the "writer" part of your brain tell you how wonderful it is. You should never trust the writer part of your brain: it writes fiction, after all, and is therefore an inveterate liar. For what is fiction if not a pack of artfully crafted lies? :)

Anyway, to answer your broader question: yes, I definitely want to hear more. This has such a richly atmospheric texture to it, it would be a shame not to learn more about the story's setting. Also, it starts off with many hints that it is a pirate adventure of some kind, which I am personally quite partial to. It reads like a page out of "Treasure Island," which is a very good thing indeed.

[Tracy]

The first paragraph is a bit hard to read, but the rest of the paragraphs flow so smoothly. It's like a moment captured in time. Definitely makes me curious for more.

"The boy knew what a noose was but wondered why so many hung from the tattered rafters of the parlor's front room." This is the sentence that really draws me in.

[Cherrie]

this is a great hook to bring any reader into your tale, I liked it. Kept my interest and left me hoping for
more of a story to follow. Cherrie

[JC]

Excellant start. Great imagery and makes the reader want to continue on.

Even the title drew me in.

JC

[Michael X]

nicely done- its original and at the same time reminds me of Paul Theroux's ' Riding the Iron Roaster'
the idea captures a still moment, a happening, and thought, which at the same time draws the reader
to ponder the relevance of time and what is unfolding, I believe its a solid door opening to a vast idea
in the making and I look forward to reading more, I also enjoyed the visual skill apllied, excellent job.