The following are excerpts from the journal of Steward Benson. Some of the portions have been redacted to protect the innocent…as if there was such a thing.
January 31, 1992: Tomorrow will be a Red Letter Day. I am going to go car shopping. I am intrigued by the Saturn. From what I’ve been hearing, they have totally revamped the way that cars are built and sold. I’d better put on my bargaining cap. Not to worry. I can be a pretty tough cookie when it comes to negotiating. I am so excited: my first new car! Also, I had a piping hot bowl of soup for dinner. It was delicious.
February 1, 1992: I must say that I have never felt so well taken care of. The minute I walked into the Saturn dealership, I felt as though I was the most important person in the world. They even let me drive around in one of their cars. I looked at a sportier model, but my salesman, Roy, assured me that the sedan was a better fit for me. Well, he’s the expert. Tomorrow I will bring my friend Miles. I read that it is good to have a chum along while buying a car. Look out, Saturn! Here we come! Today I ate three toasties for dinner. I saw some old people at the dog park. I am glad they take no interest in me. I know that they are harmless, but I was there strictly for the dogs, and…well, let’s just say I prefer their indifference.
February 2, 1992: I’m so thrilled! Miles and I talked to Roy again today. I wanted to buy a black car, but once again Roy showed why he gets to wear the fancy plaid jacket. He told me that lemon yellow was the “in” color this year and that the mauve interior really brought out my eyes. Tomorrow I must find a driving school that teaches how to drive with a stick shift. They were out of automatics. Miles didn’t say much, but he did give his best smug look. The payments are going to push my limit, but if I go without A/C this summer, I should just be able to make it. Tonight I made fish sticks from scratch, but I think that I messed up the directions on the box because they were burnt on the outside and frozen on the inside. I saw some old folks outside of the dealership. They gave me a friendly wave. I didn’t know what to do so I pretended not to see.
February 4, 1992: Today was the big day. Roy called us into his big fancy office. Miles and I kept nudging each other in anticipation. Here’s where it got complicated. Roy apparently does not know everything about cars like I thought that he did. He kept leaving the room to talk to this “sales manager.” The sales manager straightened Roy out on a few things. Instead of having a four-year loan with $350 payments, the sales manager figured out that it was better to get a seven-year loan with $480 payments, but I saved $10 on the down payment and they added a can of upholstery cleaner. I was quite cross with Roy for pretending to know more than he did and I was about to express my displeasure when an old person interrupted and asked me if I was going to buy a Saturn. We didn’t know what to say, but Roy took care of him. I got over the whole ordeal when Miles eventually treated me to a mug of cocoa, which ended up being my dinner. I have to put on my penny pinching gloves, but it will be all worth it when Tina sees my new ride.
February 5, 1992: Tina and I broke up today. She wouldn’t give me a specific reason, but instead said, “Why don’t you ask your boyfriend, Miles?” He didn’t know. However, I find myself distraught about something else. While I was stopped at a light today, a Buick pulled up next to me with an ancient man behind the wheel. He opened his window to ask me something, but I looked straight ahead until the light turned green. I know it was wrong, but I was scared. It seems that in the last few days, I have had a lot of brushes with the elderly. I do wish that they would go back to ignoring me. Went to Mum’s tonight for dinner. She gave me a bowl of lamb stew. Good old Mum. She told me that I looked handsome in my new car.
February 8, 1992: Today was a most disturbing day. I took Beanie to the dog park. This was his first ride in the new car. He kept shaking on the way there, but that’s normal for toy poodles. When I pulled in, three old men looked up from the park bench area. They seemed to be staring at the Saturn. Much to Beanie’s dismay, I cut the visit short when one of the old men actually began to hobble over toward the car. We got in and sped off with only seconds to spare. Beanie and I will only be going back with an escort. Tina has not returned any of my calls. I had bread pudding and some crisps for dinner.
February 11, 1992: I am so shaken that I don’t know how I will write this entry. I was parked at the mall today in a spot close to the entrance. I was all smiles because of my good fortune. However, when I got out of my car, I realized that I was next to a handicapped parking space. As I was walking by a Cadillac, the driver’s window rolled down and an elderly gentleman said, “That’s one of those new Saturns, right? How do you like that car?” I said, “Good,” then hurried off. If my writing seems bad it is because I had a nice glass of cold duck before I sat down to write.
February 14, 1992: I am scared. When I got up to walk Beanie this morning, an old man that lives down the street was outside looking into the window of my car. Later I drove by the Cracker Barrel, and a few of them stopped rocking in their chairs when I was stopped at the light. Of course I could never prove this, but it seems as though my Saturn has somehow awoken something within the elderly. I have had four of them approach me about the car in the past few days. Why can’t they just stay inside and leave my car and I alone? Tina called to see if I was doing anything for Valentine’s Day. I told her that Miles and I were having dinner because neither of us had plans. I’m so upset I don’t even want to go out. Maybe I’ll invite Miles over for a warm milk toddy.
(Continued from earlier this date): Now I understand. I was watching the telly with Miles and a commercial came on for Saturn: “Ask people how they like their Saturn.” Those corporate b******s are inciting the elderly! Miles brought over a pizza. It was good once I got the hang of eating it.
February 21, 1992: It’s been a few days since I’ve written. Miles is dead. He got up early the day after Valentine’s Day and took my car for a wash. While he was waiting for the wash cycle, some elderly people came up to him from behind. He lost his footing and fell into the car wash mechanism. He was decapitated. I will miss him. When the car was released from impound, I took it in for its 1,000 mile checkup, but the dealership wasn’t open. As I was pulling out, I saw Roy. He seemed to me a shattered man. He kept sobbing, “I didn’t know.” When I got him to snap out of it, he went to his car and gave me a shotgun and a belt with more rounds. He didn’t tell me what it was for. I knew. For every shotgun shell on this belt, I’m going to replace it with a pair of dentures.. Miles is dead, the dog park is ruined, and I think my Mum is turning into one of them. It’s kill or be annoyed. Tonight I ate bangers and mash, with a side of prune juice. To fight the enemy you must know the enemy.
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