A Wingman's Night

What is it like in the workaday night of a WIngman? Let's find out...

Sexual Intercourse is the defining drive in human existence. Really profound, right? My father was fond of saying that all humans have sexual intercourse in common because every person in their ancestral chain had to have sex at least one time. That is pretty powerful stuff.

 

However, in these times of sexually transmitted diseases, sexual ambiguity, reversed mores and what is commonly referred to as "game," how does one ever succeed in accomplishing the Holy Grail of human existence: sex?

 

A good friend of mine once told me that for one to be noble one has to place the weight of the world on his shoulders and carry it with no regard to his own well being. If this is true, how could your humble narrator ever achieve this lofty station in life?

 

TO BECOME THE GREATEST WINGMAN THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN

 

My name is Chance Ransom, by the way. Don't feel bad if you haven't ever heard of me - wingmen are supposed to be anonymous. It's part of the territory. Our story begins in 2003. It was a time of cultural ambiguity and political upheaval. Your hero (me) is awkwardly pretending to enjoy dancing in a trendy club. Let me preface this by saying that I don't know how to dance, but if I did the movements that I was making would probably fall somewhere between the Watusi and the Freuge. My embarrassment momentarily subsides when I receive a cellular telephone call from a fellow rogue that we shall call Marc (his real name is Mark, but for the sake of the story we can go with Marc).

 

"Marc" lays the scenario out for me. He and some of our other chums are at a bachelor party that wound them up at a conventional nightclub. He met a girl, who had a friend that was running interference. BAM! I terminate the connection. A true wingman doesn't waste time chit chatting on the phone (my free nights and weekends had expired)...and like the musky sulfur laden smoke of battle I don't disappear....I fade into the night.

 

I arrive at Club Salamander where I am greeted by the legendary Allen the Long Tongue (his real name is Alan). He waves me into the front door. I stop momentarily by the coat check girl to deposit my coat and hat. She is a buxom young lass, with tons of bux....ahhh, maybe another time. I am instantly confronted by Marc, and a girl named Susan (anonymity isn't material here since almost every girl that Marc dates is named Susan). But here is the rub: Susan has a friend. I can't say that Lynn - the friend - is ugly. She's just the type of person that you pass on the street every day and never take notice. Except for one thing: she has a bitter scowl on her face that would make Maurice Chevalier blush.

 

I approach the trio and introductions are made. I instantly surmise the problem. It is what I do. Marc and Susan want to advance their romantic position, but the Scowler won't let Susan out of her sight. Since Susan and the Scowler are friends, it would be socially akward for either of them to suggest that she allow them some privacy. I formulated a plan. If I could get the scowler to turn from them, Marc could make his move.

 

My conversation with Lynn went something like this:

 

Chance Ransom (CR): You don't look like you're having a good time.

 

Lynn the Scowler (LS): It's all such bullshit.

 

I shift a little to my right. She turns to face me. Marc and Susan are directly to her right and my left.

 

CR: Why do you say that?

 

LS: It's just such a game. My ex-husband worked for a swingers club. There is a lot less gameplaying there.

 

Fighting back a combination of revulsion at her being in a swinger club and a little bewilderment. I make another infintesimally small shift to my right. She doesn't appear to be moving at first but then she does to hear me.

 

CR: Really? That's interesting. Were you a member?

 

What the hell am I supposed to talk about?  Anyway ...another few degree move. I let my upper body sway to the left this time then allowed my weight to almost list to the right. You can't act like some carousel horse when you pull this move.

 

LS: No but I used to go all the time. It got old though.

 

You get the picture. I'm turning her away from Marc and Susan. If we are all a clock, I would be at twelve, she's at the center and Marc and Susan are at about 430. The AM or PM doesn't matter.

 

CR: Sex got old? That's a new one.

 

LS: No, but that whole scene and yeah I guess sex too.

 

CR: We should get together sometime.

 

This was never going to happen but I almost have her at 180 degrees from Marc and his mark.

 

LS: I don't know. Maybe.

 

Now I'm irritated that this troll even would have to think about it, but it isn't about me. It never is. I took an oath. Not really, but I didn't want to let Marc down. 180 DEGREES!

 

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Marc move in and start making out in with Susan in a gaudy display of public indecency that made me proud to be at the forefront of my profession. Moments later Marc pulls the Houdini and my work is done.

 

LS:....so, I guess you could give me a call sometime.

 

CR: A word of advice: If you don't want to die alone, quit acting like sex bores you.

 

With that I grabbed my coat and hat and faded into the night.

 

This is just one of my stories. I have many. I am a professional Wingman.

 

http://www.myspace.com/chanceransom

 

 

Author's Note

This story is essentially true. Please, give me any comments or criticism as you see fit.

Reviews

[Yvonne Heidt]

This is great! I love the narrative that you have in this piece. I laughed at the right parts. It has humor, sarcasm - (love the "actual" name thing - funny) and it answered a few questions of mine about how the male thinks.

"Now I'm irritated that this troll even would have to think about it, but it isn't about me. It never is. I took an oath. Not really, but I didn't want to let Marc down..."

I loved it.

[Flame DM]

Lynn the Scowler! Hi-lar-i-ous! just another great piece!

Flame

[None]

This is a very enjoyable story. The character is likeable as well as his name. Keep the stories coming.

[Holly Marsh]

Nice. Very witty piece. And I read "A Wingman's Justification" first, and you have both pieces set up to where starting with either one works and doesn't leave the reader confused. I'm assuming you'll be posting more stories with Chance Ransom, and I look forward to reading them! :)