Love.

A dismal first attempt at a love-poem. It probably doesn't help that I'm not in love.

Red hair, dyed.
So many times it was almost brittle.

Teeth.
The front two were bent, and I'm pretty sure one of them had a chip.

Jesus, she was skinny.
The proportions were weird--like an alien or something.

I thought she had one of those African-kid bellies, but it was just the jacket.
Really liked her clothes.

Face was a little pinched.
Not bad, though.

Thank God she didn't speak to me.
One word and pfft! I'd have hated her (You know how that is).

She walked out after that.
Hope she didn't have a name like "Debbie" or something.

Author's Note

Keeping tenses consistent is a pain.

Reviews

[.]

LOL..oh this is brutal..but you know it is probably the most truthful thing I have read in a while..this is how people's inner voice speaks because you don't have to be tactful to yourself...really enjoyed..

[TheBandit]

Tenses are like the only reason I hate writing really long pieces or short stories or long stories or anything
I flipping hate tenses
But I digress
This is a funny, no bullshit poem
Seems like there is no filter between the brain and the words and I love that
I'm ALWAYS skeptical of things that have the word love in them
But I saw this one and had to read it, I was sure you wouldn't make it like those thousand other bullshitty love cliche works
And I was right
Brutal, honest, straightforward, right on

[Truman S. Booth]

Haha! Your note at the end truly made me laugh aloud.

I liked it! In fact, I loved it! It had a very casual, conversational feel, which I love in all literary forms. The sentences that left out the subject pronoun ("Really liked her clothes." "Face was a little pinched." "Hope she didn't...") made it feel like the author was right here, talking to me about this questionably attractive girl he just saw.

It felt so real, so connectible. We've all been there, right? Seen that sorta-cute girl and tried to admire her from a distance, thinking "Hmm, I wonder what she's all about?" Yet it was still poetic--still structured, flowing, conceptual.

Loved it. First 100/100 rating for me.

[InkSlinger]

Not bad, got the point across... I rather enjoyed it.

[.]

. wow ... a pretty abstract love poem ... unless "debbie or something" is the object of the narrator's affection ... still ... very vivid and descriptive ...