Chapter One

     Now (to forebare for ever solittle of Iris Trees and Lili O'Rangans), concerning the genesis of Harold or Humphrey Chimpden's occupational agnomen (we are back in the presurnames prodromarith period, of course just when enos chalked halltraps) and discarding once for all those theories from older sources which would link him back with such pivotal ancestors as the Glues, the Gravys, the Northeasts, the Ankers and the Earwickers of Sidlesham in the Hundred of Manhood or proclaim him offsprout of vikings who had founded wapentake and seddled hem in Herrick or Eric, the best authenticated version, the Dumlat, read the Reading of Hofed-ben-Edar, has it that it was this way. We are told how in the beginning it came to pass that like cabbaging Cincinnatus the grand old gardener was saving daylight under his redwoodtree one sultry sabbath afternoon, Hag Chivychas Eve, in prefall paradise peace by following his plough for rootles in the rere garden of mobhouse, ye olde marine hotel, when royalty was announced by runner to have been pleased to have halted itself on the highroad along which a leisureloving dogfox had cast followed, also at walking pace, by a lady pack of cocker spaniels. Forgetful of all save his vassal's plain fealty to the ethnarch Humphrey or Harold stayed not to yoke or saddle but stumbled out hotface as he was (his sweatful bandanna loose from his pocketcoat) hasting to the forecourts of his public in topee, surcingle, solascarf and plaid, plus fours, puttees and bulldog boots ruddled cinnabar with flagrant marl, jingling his turnpike keys and bearing aloft amid the fixed pikes of the hunting party a high perch atop of which a flowerpot was fixed earthside hoist with care. On his majesty, who was, or often feigned to be, noticeably longsighted from green youth and had been meaning to inquire what, in effect, had caused yon causeway to be thus potholed, asking substitutionally to be put wise as to whether paternoster and silver doctors were not now more fancied bait for lobstertrapping honest blunt Haromphreyld answered in no uncertain tones very similarly with a fearless forehead: Naw, yer maggers, aw war jist a cotchin on thon bluggy earwuggers. Our sailor king, who was draining a gugglet of obvious adamale, gift both and gorban, upon this, ceasing to swallow, smiled most heartily beneath his walrus moustaches and indulging that none too genial humour which William the Conk on the spindle side had inherited with the hereditary whitelock and some shortfingeredness from his greataunt Sophy, turned towards two of his retinue of gallowglasses, Michael, etheling lord of Leix and Offaly and the jubilee mayor of Drogheda, Elcock, (the two scatterguns being Michael M. Manning, protosyndic of Waterford and an Italian excellency named Giubilei according to a later version cited by the learned scholarch Canavan of Canmakenoise), in either case a triptychal religious family symbolising puritas of doctrina, business per usuals and the purchypatch of hamlock where the paddish preties grow and remarked dilsydulsily: Holybones of Saint Hubert how our red brother of Pouringrainia would audibly fume did he know that we have for surtrusty bailiwick a turnpiker who is by turns a pikebailer no seltomer than an earwigger! For he kinned Jom Pill with his court so gray and his haunts in his house in the mourning.

     (One still hears that pebble crusted laughta, japijap cheerycherrily, among the roadside tree the lady Holmpatrick planted and still one feels the amossive silence of the cladstone allegibelling: Ive mies outs ide Bourn.)          

     Comes the question are these the facts of his nominigentilisation as recorded and accolated in both or either of the collateral andrewpaulmurphyc narratives. Are those their fata which we read in sibylline between the fas and its nefas? No dung on the road? And shall Nohomiah be our place like? Yea, Mulachy our kingable khan? We shall perhaps not so soon see. Pinck poncks that bail for seeks alicence where cumsceptres with scentaurs stay. Bear in mind, son of Hokmah, if so be you have metheg in your midness, this man is mountain and unto changeth doth one ascend. Heave we aside the fallacy, as punical as finikin, that it was not the king kingself but his inseparable sisters, uncontrollable nighttalkers, Skertsiraizde with Donyahzade, who afterwards, when the robberers shot up the socialights, came down into the world as amusers and were staged by Madame Sudlow as Rosa and Lily Miskinguette in the pantalime that two pitts paythronosed, Miliodorus and Galathee. The great fact emerges that after that historic date all holographs so far exhumed initialled by Haromphrey bear the sigla H.C.E. and while he was only and long and always good Dook Umphrey for the hungerlean spalpeens of Lucalizod and Chimbers to his cronies it was equally certainly a pleasant turn of the populace which gave him as sense of those request with the courteous permission for pious purposes the homedromed and enliventh performance of problem passion play of the millentury, running strong since creation, A Royal Divorce, then near the approach towards the summit of its climax, with ambitious interval band selections from The Bo' Girl and The Lily on all horserie show command nights from his viceregal booth (his bossaloner is ceilinged there a cuckoospit less eminent than the redritualhoods of Maccabe and Cullen) where, a veritable Napoleon the Nth, our worldstage's practical jokepiece and retired cecelticocommediant in his own wise, this folksforefather all of the time sat, having the entirety of his house about him, with the invariable broadstretched kerchief cooling his whole neck, nape and shoulderblades and in a wardrobe panelled tuxedo completely thrown back from a shirt well entitled a swallowall, on every point far outstarching the laundered clawhammers and marbletopped highboys of the pit stalls and early amphitheatre. The piece was this: look at the lamps. The cast was thus: see under the clock. Ladies circle: cloaks may be left. Pit, prommer and parterre, standing room only. Habituels conspicuously emergent.

Chest Cee! 'Sdense! Corpo di barragio! you spoof of visibility

in a freakfog, of mixed sex cases among goats, hill cat and plain

mousey, Bigamy Bob and his old Shanvocht! The Blackfriars

treacle plaster outrage be liddled! Therewith was released in that

kingsrick of Humidia a poisoning volume of cloud barrage indeed.

Yet all they who heard or redelivered are now with that family

of bards and Vergobretas himself and the crowd of Caraculacticors

as much no more as be they not yet now or had they then not-

ever been. Canbe in some future we shall presently here amid

those zouave players of Inkermann the mime mumming the mick

and his nick miming their maggies, Hilton St Just (Mr Frank

Smith), Ivanne Ste Austelle (Mr J. F. Jones), Coleman of Lucan

taking four parts, a choir of the O'Daley O'Doyles doublesixing

the chorus in Fenn Mac Call and the Seven Feeries of Loch Neach,

Galloper Troppler and Hurleyquinn the zitherer of the past with his

merrymen all, zimzim, zimzim. Of the persins sin this Eyrawyg-

gla saga (which, thorough readable to int from and, is from tubb

to buttom all falsetissues, antilibellous and nonactionable and this

applies to its whole wholume) of poor Osti-Frosti, described as

quite a musical genius in a small way and the owner of an

exceedingly niced ear, with tenorist voice to match, not alone,

but a very major poet of the poorly meritary order (he began

Tuonisonian but worked his passage up as far as the we-all-

hang-together Animandovites) no one end is known. If they

whistled him before he had curtains up they are whistling him

still after his curtain's doom's doom. Ei fů. His husband, poor old

A'Hara (Okaroff?) crestfallen by things and down at heels at the

time, they squeak, accepted the (Zassnoch!) ardree's shilling at

the conclusion of the Crimean war and, having flown his wild

geese, alohned in crowds to warnder on like Shuley Luney,

enlisted in Tyrone's horse, the Irish whites, and soldiered a bit

with Wolsey under the assumed name of Blanco Fusilovna Buck-

lovitch (spurious) after which the cawer and the marble halls

of Pump Court Columbarium, the home of the old seakings,

looked upon each other and queth their haven evermore for it

transpires that on the other side of the water it came about that on

the field of Vasileff's Cornix inauspiciously with his unit he

perished, saying, this papal leafless to old chap give, rawl chaw-

clates for mouther-in-louth. Booil. Poor old dear Paul Horan,

to satisfy his literary as well as his criminal aspirations, at the

suggestion thrown out by the doomster in loquacity lunacy, so

says the Dublin Intelligence, was thrown into a Ridley's for

inmates in the northern counties. Under the name of Orani he

may have been the utility man of the troupe capable of sustain-

ing long parts at short notice. He was. Sordid Sam, a dour decent

deblancer, the unwashed, haunted always by his ham, the unwished,

at a word from Israfel the Summoner, passed away painlessly

after life's upsomdowns one hallowe'en night, ebbrous and in

the state of nature, propelled from Behind into the great Beyond

by footblows coulinclouted upon his oyster and atlas on behanged

and behooved and behicked and behulked of his last fishandblood

bedscrappers, a Northwegian and his mate of the Sheawolving

class. Though the last straw glimt his baring this stage thunkhard

is said (the pitfallen gagged him as 'Promptboxer') to have

solemnly said " as had the brief thot but fell in till his head like

a bass dropt neck fust in till a bung crate (cogged!): Me drames,

O'Loughlins, has come through! Now let the centuple celves of

my egourge as Micholas de Cusack calls them, " of all of whose

I in my hereinafter of course by recourse demission me " by

the coincidance of their contraries reamalgamerge in that indentity

of undiscernibles where the Baxters and the Fleshmans may

they cease to bidivil uns and (but at this poingt though the iron

thrust of his cockspurt start might have prepared us we are well-

nigh stinkpotthered by the mustardpunge in the tailend) this

outandin brown candlestock melt Nolan's into peese! Han var.

Disliken as he was to druriodrama, her wife Langley, the prophet,

and the decentest dozendest short of a frusker whoever stuck his

spickle through his spoke, disappeared, (in which toodooing he

has taken all the French leaves unveilable out of Calomne-

quiller's Pravities) from the sourface of this earth, that austral

plain he had transmaried himself to, so entirely spoorlessly (the

mother of the book with a dustwhisk tabularasing his obliteration

done upon her involucrum) as to tickle the speculative to all but

opine (since the Levey who might have been Langley may have

really been a redivivus of paganinism or a volunteer Vousden)

that the hobo (who possessed a large amount of the humoresque)

had transtuled his funster's latitat to its finsterest interrimost. Bhi

she. Again, if Father San Browne, tea and toaster to that quaint-

esttest of yarnspinners is Padre Don Bruno, treu and troster to

the queen of Iar-Spain, was the reverend, the sodality director,

that eupeptic viceflayer, a barefaced carmelite, to whose palpi-

tating pulpit (which of us but remembers the rarevalent and

hornerable Fratomistor Nawlanmore and Brawne.) sinning society

sirens (see the [Roman Catholic] presspassim) fortunately became

so enthusiastically attached and was an objectionable a*s who very

occasionally cockaded a raffles ticket on his hat which he wore all

to one side like the hangle of his pan (if Her Elegance saw him

she'd have the canary!) and was semiprivately convicted of mal-

practices with his hotwashed tableknife (glossing over the cark

in his pocket) that same snob of the dunhill, fully several year-

schaums riper, encountered by the General on that redletter

morning or maynoon jovesday and were they? Fuitfuit.

When Phishlin Phil wants throws his lip 'tis pholly to be fortune

flonting and whoever's gone to mix Hotel by the salt say water

there's nix to nothing we can do for he's never again to sea. It

is nebuless an autodidact fact of the commonest that the shape of

the average human cloudyphiz, whereas sallow has long daze

faded, frequently altered its ego with the possing of the showers

(Not original!). Whence it is a slopperish matter, given the wet

and low visibility (since in this scherzarade of one's thousand one

nightinesses that sword of certainty which would indentifide the

body never falls) to idendifine the individuone in scratch wig,

squarecuts, stock lavaleer, regattable oxeter, baggy pants and

shufflers (he is often alluded to as Slypatrick, the llad in the llane)

with already an incipience (lust!) in the direction of area baldness

(one is continually firstmeeting with odd sorts of others at all

sorts of ages!) who was asked by free boardschool shirkers in

drenched coats overawall, Will, Conn and Otto, to tell them

overagait, Vol, Pov and Dev, that fishabed ghoatstory of the

haardly creditable edventyres of the Haberdasher, the two Cur-

chies and the three Enkelchums in their Bearskin ghoats! Girles

and jongers, but he has changed alok syne Thorkill's time! Ya, da,

tra, gathery, pimp, shesses, shossafat, okodeboko, nine! Those

many warts, those slummy patches, halfsinster wrinkles, (what

has come over the face on wholebroader E?), and (shrine of

Mount Mu save us!) the large fungopark he has grown! Drink!

Sport's a common thing. It was the Lord's own day for damp

(to wait for a postponed regatta's eventualising is not of Battlecock

Shettledore - Juxta - Mare only) and the request for a fully

armed explanation was put (in Loo of Pat) to the porty (a native

of the sisterisle " Meathman or Meccan? " by his brogue, ex-

race eyes, lokil calour and lucal odour which are said to have

been average clownturkish (though the capelist's voiced nasal

liquids and the way he sneezed at zees haul us back to the craogs

and bryns of the Silurian Ordovices) who, the lesser pilgrimage

accomplished, had made, pats' and pigs' older inselt, the south-

east bluffs of the stranger stepshore, a regifugium persecutorum,

hence hindquarters) as he paused at evenchime for some or so

minutes (hit the pipe dannyboy! Time to won, barmon. I'll take

ten to win.) amid the devil's one duldrum (Apple by her blossom

window and Charlotte at her toss panomancy his sole admirers,

his only tearts in store) for a fragrend culubosh during his week-

end pastime of executing with Anny Oakley deadliness (the con-

summatory pairs of provocatives, of which remained provokingly

but two, the ones he fell for, Lili and Tutu, cork em!) empties

which had not very long before contained Reid's family (you ruad

that before, soaky, but all the bottles in sodemd histry will not

soften your bloodathirst!) stout. Having reprimed his repeater

and resiteroomed his timespiece His Revenances, with still a life

or two to spare for the space of his occupancy of a world at a time, rose to his feet and there, far from Tolkaheim, in a quiet English

garden (commonplace!), since known as Whiddington Wild, his

simple intensive curolent vocality, my dearbraithers, my most

dearbrathairs, as he, so is a supper as is a sipper, spake of the

One and told of the Compassionate, called up before the triad of

precoxious scaremakers (scoretaking: Spegulo ne helpas al mal-

bellulo, Mi Kredas ke vi estas prava, Via dote la vizago rispondas

fraulino) the now to ushere mythical habiliments of Our Farfar

and Arthor of our doyne.

     Television kills telephony in brothers' broil. Our eyes de-

mand their turn. Let them be seen! And wolfbone balefires blaze

the trailmost if only that Mary Nothing may burst her bibby

buckshee. When they set fire then she's got to glow so we may

stand some chances of warming to what every soorkabatcha,

tum or hum, would like to know. The first Humphrey's latitu-

dinous baver with puggaree behind, (calaboose belong bigboss

belong Kang the Toll) his fourinhand bow, his elbaroom surtout,

the refaced unmansionables of gingerine hue, the state slate

umbrella, his gruff woolselywellesly with the finndrinn knopfs

and the gauntlet upon the hand which in an hour not for him

solely evil had struck down the might he mighthavebeen d'Est-

erre of whom his nation seemed almost already to be about to

have need. Then, stealing his thunder, but in the befitting le-

gomena of the smaller country, (probable words, possibly said, of

field family gleaming) a bit duskish and flavoured with a smile,

seein as ow his thoughts consisted chiefly of the cheerio, he aptly

sketched for our soontobe second parents (sukand see whybe!)

the touching seene. The solence of that stilling! Here one might

a fin fell. Boomster rombombonant! It scenes like a landescape

from Wildu Picturescu or some seem on some dimb Arras, dumb

as Mum's mutyness, this mimage of the seventyseventh kusin of

kristansen is odable to os across the wineless Ere no oedor nor

mere eerie nor liss potent of suggestion than in the tales of the

tingmount. (Prigged!)

 

     And there oftafter, jauntyjogging, on an Irish visavis, instea-

dily with shoulder to shoulder Jehu will tell to Christianier, saint

to sage, the humphriad of that fall and rise while daisy winks at

her pinker sister among the tussocks and the copoll between the

shafts mocks the couple on the car. And as your who may look

like how on the owther side of his big belttry your tyrs and cloes

your noes and paradigm maymay rererise in eren. Follow we up

his whip vindicative. Thurston's! Lo bebold! La arboro, lo

petrusu. The augustan peacebetothem oaks, the monolith rising

stark from the moonlit pinebarren. In all fortitudinous ajaxious

rowdinoisy tenuacity. The angelus hour with ditchers bent upon

their farm usetensiles, the soft belling of the fallow deers (doereh-moose genuane!) advertising their milky approach as midnight

was striking the hours (letate!), and how brightly the great tri-

bune outed the sharkskin smokewallet (imitation!) from his

frock, kippers, and by Joshua, he tips un a topping swank

cheroot, none of your swellish soide, quoit the reverse, and how

manfally he says, pluk to pluk and lekan for lukan, he was to just

pluggy well suck that brown boyo, my son, and spend a whole

half hour in Havana. Sorer of the kreeksmen, would not thore be

old high gothsprogue! Wherefore he met Master, he mean to say,

he do, sire, bester of redpublicans, at Eagle C**k Hostel on

Lorenzo Tooley street and how he wished his Honour the ban-

nocks of Gort and Morya and Bri Head and Puddyrick, yore

Loudship, and a starchboxsitting in the pit of his St Tomach's,

" a strange wish for you, my friend, and it would poleaxe your

sonson's grandson utterly though your own old sweatandswear

floruerunts heaved it hoch many as the times, when they were

turrified by the hitz!

　

　

　

Reviews

[Martz]

you have an unusal way of using words..I found it both amazing and risky, which is why only you can get away with such things. You make it work.