Intuition

A reflection of what has impacted me the most in recent days.

   I feel how I've carried myself has long relied on how I've felt. That is, the way I've thought and acted has always been affected directly by how I felt. I had trouble maintaining a positive feeling in my mind throughout a lot of my life. Part of it genetics and nature, and part of it nurture, both by others and my own choices. From my point of view, life really is less what happens to you than how you react to it. However, at the times where I'm feeling down, I still look to retreat and find that inner strength before I can throw myself back out into the world, and it all seems to start with how I feel about myself.

   More than likely, everyone I know can relate to basing their actions directly on how they feel about a certain situation. Sometimes, I just find myself carrying a certain attitude throughout an entire day, or taking on an attitude every time I'm in a certain place or around certain people. I used to let the negative feelings get the best of me unfortunately. So much to the point that often times, out of the fear of being ostracized for being happy or disliked by others, thanks largely in part to a ridiculous amount of social anxiety, and the feeling of paranoia that developed over the years. The feeling of paranoia that lead to anti-social behavior, isolation, and overall despair.

   In recent times, however, while not completely consistent in my attitude, certain people have come into and left my life that taught me lessons or changed my perspective, whether they intended to or not. I felt, growing up, as if almost every ounce of affection or approval I received was just faked and not genuine. Over the years I had found myself going crazy trying to perfect skills that I didn't naturally possess. Trying to build relationships that would never work out. But as I said, recently, something has changed.

   With the distancing of people and activities that are bad for my mental and physical health, and the welcoming of good people and healthful activities and habits, the way I feel has changed. As the way I feel has changed, my thought process (for the most part) has become clearer, more oriented, organized, and efficient. Issues that I once had found myself in constant internal conflict and confusion over became clear once I stopped letting bias and outside influence get in the way, and let my own feelings, thoughts, and intuition guide the way instead.

   Part of this huge shift in how I feel has been in finding hope in humanity inside of as well as outside of myself. Realizing that there are still promising people in the world left, not yet corrupted or swayed by temptation; not past the point of no return at least. That intuition is a driving force of nature, as if I were God himself walking in my human shoes. Just for once being able to not let negativity and paranoia get in the way of progress and just realize that there is hope, well, that is enough to give me the motivation and momentum needed to carry on even when I'm without an ounce of energy.

   I mean, when I think about what intuition is, it's that gut feeling that your subconscious concludes as truth, free of all the confusion created by biased and distracted conscious thought. And when I look at certain people, when I see what they have to offer and who they truly are, I feel less alone. I feel as if maybe I'm not the only one going through phases of life and internal conflict, as if I'm not the only one that wants to make changes for the better in the long run.

   What I see now is soul. Well, less see, and more feel. Soul that I had thought was long gone, lost in the depth of pseudo-intellect forged by the greedy and corrupt. I finally can put aside my own biases, my own insecurities, my unnecessary worries, my fear of rejection, my shyness, and everything else that hinders my progress and ability to connect with others. I look into the eyes of another and see them for who and what they really are. I see another soul, another life that truly understands what there is. And while the opportunity may not always present itself to express this recognition, and at times of course there will always be the downs as well as ups, it's still there regardless. For the first time in years, I feel alive again.

Reviews

[Kat]

I particularly like the last paragraph of this. (: