Sun-Dust

sunsets and swing sets.

this ocher world blazes bright .

the sun bleeds golden smoke .

summer haze, soaked with light ,  

casting shadows bold as brilliance .

 

here i breathe ;

i sit ,

 

and i dream vivid on these swings .

no better way to fly , i trust .

chains serve best as steel wings

burnt dark red with caking rust

and tawny in the sun-dust .

 

my palms are pinched and blistered ,

but the earth is all aglow ;

i feel halfway living, half-divine

as i watch the world below .

 

 

Author's Note

Ignore lack of capitalization and the spacing. Is the ending halfway decent, or should I add more to the poem/change it around/et cetera?

Reviews

[Sel Whiteley]

This is a beautiful poem. I love the use of colour and the line 'casting shadows bold as brilliance' and 'chains serve best as steel wings', what a turn of phrase. I might play around with it a little though.
I might have an is in the third line: i.e. 'summer haze is soaked with light'. I admire your tight syllabic/rhythmic structure but I think it would be okay to loosen it a little here. Also, you need to trust your reader more, if you are on the swings, you are sitting. And if you are able to depict the brilliance of the sentience and light of the earth, then you are breathing. This is such wonderful work that you ought to trust your reader more. You've already shown I lot of what you write so you don't really need to tell it. I'm also not sure about the inversion of, 'I trust', although I know you need it for the rhyme scheme, just something to think about. I think the end is brilliant but I might have
'as I watch the world below,
I feel halfway living, half-divine'.

So the poem would read:
this ocher world blazes bright .
the sun bleeds golden smoke .
summer haze is soaked with light ,
casting shadows bold as brilliance .

here, i dream vivid on these swings .
no better way to fly , i trust .
chains serve best as steel wings
burnt dark red with caking rust
and tawny in the sun-dust .

my palms are pinched and blistered ,
but the earth is all aglow ;
as i watch the world below .
i feel halfway living, half-divine

I adore your classic style and the concentration you give to colour. Your work is exceptionally vivid and a delight to read.