Thank God It Wasn't Woodstock, Unabridged Version

A autobiographical short story.

A lot of people, including Willie Nelson, tried to forget about his infamous 1976 picnic on a farm outside of Gonzales Texas. But, I was one of the eighty thousand people in attendance, and I'll never forget it. 

Pat, my schizophrenic ex-husband, with whom I was currently cohabitating , his best friend Jackie, a nice, if slightly drug addled guy, and his wife Bernice, a Colorado native, who had hitch hiked to Texas. Bernice was the always the life of the party. She made everything more fun, until someone passed out, lost and eye, or got hauled off to jail. Believe it or not, I was the voice of reason in this group. Clearly, we were in sad shape for someone with sensibility 

Bernice was pint sized. But, she packed a lot of punch in that pint. She could out drink and out party anyone I knew. Bernice, and her friend, June had hitchhiked from Colorado to Texas. I always laughed, but never corrected her, when she said they got a ride to Whacko (Waco). Bernice and I were great friends, and partied together a lot without her husband, and my ex. Pat and Jackie were truck drivers and on the road most of the time. The times we partied without them, were the best times. Bernice was a true Free Spirit. She would do most anything wild and crazy, at the drop of a hat. I was more of a FSUR (Free Spirit Under Restraint) I'd go along with the her crazy ideas, but there was always a part of me who feared the worst. Usually enough liquor and some herbs shut that part of me up, and I only had enough restraint to see that we stayed out of jail. 

Bernice and I were in the back seat on the way to Gonzales. We'd open a beer, take a few drinks, and chase it with Jack. By the time we turned off the paved road to go to the picnic site, we were feeling no pain. Bernice took a pull off the half empty bottle, and threw it over the back seat. It hit a metal tire tool, I think. Whatever it was, it broke the whiskey bottle, and the odor of Bourbon filled the car immediately. Bernice and I were drunk enough, that it was a laughable accident. Pat and Jackie didn't think it was so funny. 

Fortunately, we weren't far from the picnic, and Jackie and Bernice's friend Randy had saved us a prime spot for camping. We found him quickly, as he was at the back of acreage allotted for the picnic.  Our camp was under one of the few trees, but seemed to be miles from the stage. We got out of the little burnt orange station wagon,  and started unpacking , broken bourbon bottle and all. We hadn't even gotten everything out of the car, when a big flatbed truck loaded down with bikers drove by. They yelled at me and Bernie to come with them. I yelled, "Bernice, don't go." But, Bernice went.

It had nothing to do with me, that Jackie's wife dumped him for a bunch of bikers. But, he and Pat behaved pretty icily toward me after Bernice took off. I had never liked Randy, since the previous July Fourth, when he had popped bottled rocket way too close to my ear. Pat and I never had a particularly loving relationship, married or divorced, and Jackie was clearly pissed off that his wife had run off with a band of bikers. So, I decided I'd go for a walk and find Bernice. 

The field was sparsely settled when we got there. So, it shouldn't be too hard to find the flatbed of bikers, who had kidnapped Bernice. That was my story. She'd been kidnapped. By the time I found them, it could be like the short story I'd read as a child, "The Ransom of the Red Chief." Bernice might be so wild the bikers could not  deal with her. She sure wouldn't pass out on them. I would  find her and her new found friends, or captors, wherever they were. 

I quickly became very aware, that we weren't in Texas anymore. This place was lawless. People were selling marijuana, uppers, downers, and acid, with no fear of being busted. They had big hand written signs, advertising their wares and prices. Entrepreneurs were every where. A guy with a sectioned tray on a strap around his neck stopped me. He had Reds, Whites, Valium, Quaaludes, Black Mollies and Blotter Acid, I had taken uppers before, to stay awake for exams in college. I was not very familiar with downers, but I determined I might need something to take the edge off. The Jack and beers and worn off, and I had a headache. I remembered that Valium were supposed to be good for relaxation. I told him, I'd take a Valium. He talked me into a special buy one, get one half price, and sold me a Quaalude, too. This guy was a  great salesman. He's probably a retired CEO of a major corporation today.

Off I went with my downers in my pocket. I found a guy selling Coke. The kind you drink, not the kind you snort. So, I bought a bottle, and took what I thought was the Valium, and washed it down with Coke. The sun was fading into the West, and it would be dark soon. I needed to find Bernice. There were more and more people arriving for the picnic, and the scenery had changed dramatically, since I started my quest. It occurred to me that I might be lost. About that time, the pill started to take effect. It did a lot more than relax me. I began feeling as though I was going to pass out. I found a comfy looking rock, and sat down. Just for a minute, I thought. 

The next thing I knew, there was a strange guy shaking me awake. I had passed out on my comfy rock, I panicked. Where was I? What had happened?  I rubbed my eyes, and looked again. The guy was still there, and now a spider monkey was in my lap. This guy had on a Wizard hat, a Wizard robe, with cutoffs and a wife beater t-shirt underneath. There was something big and yellow around his neck. After clearing my vision, I realized it was a snake. The Spider Monkey was just an extra added attraction. Mr Wizard said, "Hi, my name is Normal. Are you ok?" I honestly didn't know, and I told him so. I explained first, that I do not like snakes, and to stay away from me. He assured me that Bobby the Boa wouldn't hurt me, but Spidey, the Spider Monkey, was in jeopardy.  I was still trying to figure out what rabbit hole to Hell I had fallen through to end up in the middle of Nightmare Land. But, Normal went on to explain that he had a van near the concert stage. He had put Bobby's food outside the van, and someone had opened the cage, and it escaped. So, Normal had a hungry Boa Constrictor, and an appetizing Spider Monday. No wonder Spidey refused to leave my lap. He had my arm in a death grip by this time. 

Normal asked me my name. I told him it was Jimmie, but a lot of people called me Cissie. He said he would call me Cissie, because Jimmie was a weird name for a girl. Really NORMAL?! He had a favor to ask of me. Would I go up to the stage area with him. Leon Russell and his roadies would be there by now. They were all friends of Normal's, and one kept a snake with him on the road. He would have some rats for Bobby, and then Spidey wouldn't be his next meal. He had been looking for some mice in the field for Bobby, but the crowd had scared all the animals away. He sounded serious, and Spidey was stuck on me anyway, so I agreed. I was hopelessly lost by this time, and hadn't accomplished my mission of finding Bernice. That mission seemed a lot more difficult at night, in the middle of eighty-thousand people.  

So, as we head off to the stage area, George Jones was singing, "White Lightning." There we were, just the four of us. I tried to stay far enough behind Normal and Bobby to keep Spidey's grip on my arm a little less painful. But, occasionally Bobby would look at him, and seemingly licked his non lips. That totally freaked out Spidey and me, too 

We made it to the stage area. No one even asked us what we were doing, as we 

went around to the back stage area. A few people spoke to Normal. It seemed to be no big deal. Some of the guys asked where he got the cute blonde. I was always a sucker for a compliment, so I did a little flirting. No one mentioned where he got the Boa Constrictor or the Spider Monkey. The more I saw of these people and the crowd, the more Normal actually fit his name. This was one wild group! There were roadies out back taking rifle shots at Leon Russell's equipment trailer, roadies passed out in the dirt. The ones who weren't passed out, were well on their way. I felt as though I was in a bad dream that would not end. Then, I heard the most beautiful music coming from the stage. Leon Russell was playing piano and singing, "Back to the Island." It was the most beautiful song I've ever heard. I still love it! I listened in the wings, and was mesmerized. Spidey must have been a friend of Leon's. As soon as he saw him, he leapt off my arm, and ran to the piano, jumped up and took his place on Leon's shoulder. Leon Russell was unfazed, and continued as if he didn't have a monkey on his back. (pardon the pun)

I looked out at the crowd, and saw Bernice near the stage. What luck! The song was over by then, and I ran around the stage area, and caught up with her. After chastising her for her overnight misadventure, I told her we should go back to the campsite. There was that voice of reason again. She agreed. So off we went.'

I saw a lot more that day, than the night before. It was anarchy. There were people in various stages of undress. People using hard drugs, and tripping out. There was a stock tank on the grounds, and there were things going on in there, that I didn't want to see. But, I would have advised the rancher to keep the cattle away from that watering hole for awhile, for several reasons. But, who should we spy watching the tank orgies unfold, but Pat, Jackie and Randy. We went over to them, and together we quietly went back to the campsite. 

On our way back, Willie announced that he had been told to shut the show down. Apparently, no one in Gonzales, or the rancher, imagined they would be overrun by eighty-thousand hippies. It was too much for them to handle. Willie said the show would continue as planned. But, pretty soon after, he came back out, and said rain and authorities had put an end to the picnic. So, there was some law here. Somehow, that was somewhat comforting to me. Anarchy is not a state in which I choose to live. 

We got back to the campsite, packed the little station wagon, and took off for Dallas. I didn't want to turn into a pillar of salt, so I never took a backward glance.