Everything remains

Once upon a time he took a hold of my hand and led me down the dry, freshly paved forbidden sidewalk. His eyes had withdrawn from the malicious sun, wandering off towards the edge of his eyelids, and hastily fell across mine. His face came to life and his smile looked so sincere. It had been sixteen days since school started, and I was on my first meaningful date. I felt so assured that he was unquestionably the one. I knew I could never live to be as sweet as he was; I always liked to imagine it being possible though.

          The date flew by and so did the days with him. I longed for more time, as each day failed to pass by mercifully. They felt like milliseconds, but my memories and lust for him lived on. In the beginning I was a fool though. I never noticed the truth, but now I know. I will never forget how his face was so corrupted at times; there was no doubt in my mind that he was manipulative. Being with him was a risk I would take; I guess I must be attracted to danger.

         He knew me inside out, from the rhythm of my heart to my scent. It was impossible to escape; secretly I had never planned to. I was consumed by him and scared at the same time. I knew being with him was the only option that my heart would accept. My parents unfortunately did not understand that. They called me naïve and simply childish. They would never come to appreciate him like I did. They were obsessed on sending him as far away from me as possible. Prison would be far and it surely was.

 I was forbidden to date anyone, nonetheless a boy 3 years older than I was. Three years did not seem like such a big deal to me. When you’re in love nothing seems to matter, it’s like magic. Aside from that, honestly I was okay with not being able to date anyone. In my book he was not just anyone. I could date him I reasoned entirely with my heart.

          The breakups were the worst, not because of how much it hurt me but rather how much it had struck him. His world tumbled down each time, desperately searching for a way out. He had the most sweet and cynical thoughts of suicide. They were slow, and painful, but he was no amateur. He planned each move right to the final absolute detail, it was fool proof. The only piece he forgot was me, then again maybe it was on purpose. I begged for him to cease his corrupt thoughts. His eyes flickered as I begged, making the image of me in his eyes shift promptly. No matter how much the image shifted I was still always sincerely his, even when we broke again for the “final time.”

          I watched the grass grow taller as he bled leisurely in order to be healed by the wounds I had created. Everything was tainted and then jealousy struck me violently between my breasts like genocide. She was a brunette like me, but with prettier eyes. They were green like his. He must have been tired of waiting on his brown eyed girl.

I was more like a concubine after our final breakup, I suppose. However, according to the book I was Virgin Mary. I wonder if Mary had brown eyes or a shade of green. Either way, he seemed especially content as long as he had me in his possession. He saw the jealousy I had dug deep into my veins. I hated him for making me jealous and my thoughts were full of obscurity. It took some time for him to explain, she was a close family friend, who he was forced to be with. I did not care if that was a lie; I was tired of them and so I gave up looking for the truth. I would be happy knowing the only girl he could ever love and would want to be with was me. Eventhough, I knew he loved her too.

          My boundaries felt insecure, and they were. I could not complain I enjoyed the feeling. I wanted to be cautious but could not force myself to be. I was like a balloon drifting up into the sky from a batch of balloons wondering where I might end up and how far would I go. I was still hoping he would see me soaring away. Perhaps he would pull my string, even if that meant getting burned from the string just for me. I was completely crazy for him and he obviously was crazy for me. He still respected me and treated me well; it made sense for us to drift away together. The only thing that stood in between us was the high prices of balloons the salesperson chose to create purposely. Of course, in reality the real obstacle was my parents.

          The doors slammed behind the man in the orange outfit, while the covers were pulled tightly over my entire body. My body would give the impression of being lifeless, ready to be placed into a casket. I always wondered how it might feel like being buried alive. I think the worst part would be that no one would know how you felt as your lungs pleaded for oxygen that remained out of reach.

          The cool breeze flowed into my room through the screen less window refusing to knock. It allowed all sorts of creatures to penetrate my room. The breeze suddenly replaced my covers and pulled me in haste towards the edge letting my toes be nipped by the frozen rain. The moon provided my stage light, and chills came crawling from my big toe to my throat. My heart was cold and deadly. It was replaced by a large massive ice block.

          The white ground remained untouched but I knew that if I fell it would feel like a thousand needles piercing into my lower thighs, since I was wearing shorts and a tank top that was suited for a loose girl. I refused to let drops of salty water escape my eyes; I was not about to risk ruining the transparency of everything at this very moment. I contemplated on what would have to happen next. I felt the wind brushing up against my body once more, rejecting its coolness. My body remained huddled up together until the feeling of the wind was silenced and all that was left was the faint sound of the frozen rain falling on me.

The caterpillar that lay outside beside me finally was consumed by his own cocoon. He was expecting to grow into a butterfly, but to his surprise he never woke up. I had reached where I belonged and did not wish to wake up. I grabbed his hand and led him down the dry, freshly permissibly paved sidewalk. My eyes were withdrawn from the moon and fell towards his. I saw the sun out of the corner of my eyes trying peek out, I could not deny the feeling of needles piercing into my lower thighs or the grazing of the drops of water on my cheeks. My body remained untouched surrounded by the color of lovely crimson. I never left, I had came to my final destination.