The Rumor Mill

 The Rumor Mill

     I will preface this segment by saying, while I was working, as an extra, in Hollywood, there  was a very popular saying, going around, and it was, “In Hollywood, everything after “hello” is bullshit.” A lot of things, I may repeat, are rumors. If something is true, I will say so. My friend, from Austria, is real. So is Bill Dance, and I really did talk with Maureen O’Hara. However there is still a large amount of B S, on set. So you can decide for yourself, if these stories are true, or not. Maybe you were there, when it happened. If you were, you can tell me the truth, because sometimes even I don’t know what to believe.

     I heard a story about how a bunch of extras, got together, and pooled their resources, to purchase an expensive gift, for one of the casting directors. They did this, in an effort to procure the best, and highest paying jobs available. In other words, you could call it a bribe, if you wanted to. Other extras heard of this, and I cannot remember if they caused this particular casting director, great bodily harm, or if they just threatened him. I do not know if this type of gift giving, still goes on, but when I was working, on set, I heard this story many times. My co-workers sometimes encouraged me to participate in giving gifts, to casting, so I could get better work, and more of it. “Sorry Orville. That s**t just aint gonna fly.” 

     And then there was, “Forget Paris.” Rumor had it that a member, of the crew, possibly one of the assistant directors, or a production assistant, was so rude, to the extras, that a number of them, waited in the parking lot, for this guy to come out, to his car. Then they gave him, what they thought was a well deserved beating. I did not see, or participate, in this event, but I have heard this story, many times too. 

     Also heard about a production, that was shooting at someone’s home, and while they were there, a guy rolled up, in a van, and started mowing the lawn, next door. The production company asked him to stop, but he declined, saying he had a schedule of lawns, that he needed to stick to. Production allegedly paid the man, a nice sum, to deviate, from his schedule that day. Wanna hear the kicker? The “gardener,” was a fake. He just said he worked next door, so he could get paid. What ingenuity! Find out where a shoot is taking place, and show up, next door, with a lawn mower! This guy has probably bought a house, by now. Don’t know if this is a true story, or not, but I sure hope so!

     I heard this story, about 2 different films. An extra, in costume, was placing his hands, on the female extras, in an unprofessional, and downright nasty manner. This kind of s**t pisses me off! I worked on R- rated films, and porn too. I still kept my hands, to myself. On “Little Nicky,” the culprit was dressed as a demon. The other film was “Planet of the Apes.” Of course that culprit was dressed as an ape. I guess both of these a******s thought they could get away with this perversion, because they were unrecognizable. They thought wrong. If I know about it, so does everyone else. I never got anything firsthand. At least nothing like this. If this rumor is true, then I hope the person, or persons involved, lost their job, suffered a severe beating, and went to jail too. These people make the rest of us, look bad. Sorry sons of b*****s!

     I was working, on “Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman,” on the back lot of Universal Studios. I was wearing 1870’s garb, and had a goatee, glued, to my face. During lunch, a pretty girl stepped around a corner, right when I was walking along, not paying attention. We collided, and she went down, pretty hard. As I begged forgiveness, she extended her hand, so I could help her back to her feet. “I’m okay,” she said. I looked down at her, in her 1870’s dress, which included a bustle, and Victorian, lace-up shoes. I took her hand, and helped her to her feet. It was Jane Seymour. I apologized again, and for those of you who said, “Oh my God! He knocked a bond girl, on her a*s!,” you know exactly how I felt. I have seen only one full episode of “Dr. Quinn.” Nothing personal. I have always liked western movies, more than western TV shows, with the possible exception of, “Gunsmoke.” I have seen “Live and let Die,” many times. In my humble opinion, the best James Bond movie, featuring Roger Moore. 

     Ms. Seymour appeared to be as surprised, as I was, about our collision, but otherwise unhurt. Perhaps her wardrobe made for a softer landing. “Are you sure you are okay?” She nodded, she was, and went on her way. 

                                                            And now, the rest of the story.

When lunch was over, and I was back on set, I told some of my colleagues, what had happened. 

One said, ”You better hide somewhere. She will tell production, to send you home.” 

Another said, “No she won’t. She hates women, more than men. If you were a girl, she would send you home.”

Still another said, “You should ask production, for a pay adjustment, because you interacted with a principle.” 

None of the above happened. I worked the rest of the day, without a hitch. I never got asked, to work on “Dr. Quinn,” again. Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not. I hope Ms. Seymour is happy, and well. My only regret, is that I lost a picture of myself, dressed as an 1870’s businessman. I looked pretty good.