Asphalt Man

  Asphalt Man

     When I arrived, at the location, it was still dark outside, and I was the only one present. I started to worry that I might be in the wrong place, but I had double-checked my directions, and followed them exactly. I’m pretty sure I  was at the “Point Mugu,” state park, located north of Los Angeles, on the Pacific Coast Highway, in Ventura County, but I could be mistaken. It’s all a blur. 

     The gray light that usually accompanies, what the locals call the marine layer, was just beginning to appear, when a step-van rolled into the parking lot. The van was typical of the catering trucks, often seen, on set. I ignored it. I was watching the charcoal gray T-bird, approaching the spot where I was parked. I recognized the driver, and waved, as he rolled up beside me. We had worked together on quite a few other productions. His name was Jesse, and over the course of my extra work, we had become friends, roommates, and I was chosen to be one of the grooms men, at his wedding. The only other time I was asked to participate in someone else’s wedding ceremony, I was homeless, but that is another story.

     About an hour later, I would guess, all the cast and crew, had arrived. This production was titled, “Asphalt Man,” and it was being produced, by a company, from Korea. The chances were good that we would never see the film, as it was not going to air, in the USA. The production company certainly did things differently, than we were accustomed to. I was wearing a baseball cap, that said, “DON’T ASK ME FOR S**T!” Either they did not know what it said, or they did not care. I wore it for the entire shoot. 

     The film was about rival race car drivers. It was supposed to be taking place, in the desert, but we were at the beach. Guess they only cared about the sand. We were certain that anybody watching this film, would never notice the lifeguard stations, seagulls, and beach goers, in the background. Not to mention the enormous Pacific Ocean. We were in the desert all right. Just ask that roller blader, over there, where we are. If they were able to make this film, look like the desert, they deserved an academy award. 

     Production put me in a jump suit, so it looked like I was a member of one of the “pit” crews. I was stationed next to a race car, with the hood up, supposedly examining the engine. There was a row, of about 12 race cars, parked in a line, facing the ocean, and as many extras, in jump suits, milling about, among them. All the cars had keys, in the ignition, and were drivable. The very first, ”uncool” thing we did, was to turn the stereo, in every car, to the same station, and crank up the volume. Nobody noticed. I remained near my race car, until production called lunch.

     At lunch, the production company tried to serve us Kim-Chee. A type of Korean spiced cabbage, that in my opinion, is an acquired taste. Most of us had not acquired this taste, so we refused to eat it. When production realized the Americans were not happy, with lunch, they sent someone to “Subway,” to get sandwiches, for everyone. Not only was this very nice, of them, but it made our lunch break, longer than production originally intended. Works for me.

     We filmed a scene, where the winner of the race, drives his car, up a ramp, onto a raised platform, that served as the winner’s circle. There he would receive his trophy. We were instructed to stand around the ramp, and platform, cheering for the winner. Imagine my surprise when our hero rolled up, with one of the extras, seated in the passenger seat! Who races a car, with a passenger? Maybe it’s done, but I have never seen it before. We cheered for the extra! Then they brought in an actual gospel choir, to sing, for our hero. Again we cheered. Next they added a dozen, or so, bikini-clad, young girls, to dance, in front of the choir! What would a desert be without dancing girls? Our hero waved to the crowd, as did his passenger. The choir sang a rousing chorus of “Amen,” while the bikini girls danced, and we cheered like crazy people. A good time was had by all. Except for the wind, which sand-blasted everyone.

     We never asked about the extra in the passenger seat, and nothing was said to us, by production. I guess they thought it was ok. This particular extra, was someone I knew, so I pulled him aside, and asked if production had placed him, inside the featured car. He smiled, and said, “Nope. I just wanted to see, if I could get away with it.” What balls! We decided, right then, that this might be our only chance to “Ad-Lib,” our action. We certainly took full advantage of it.

     At one point, we were instructed to, “Lun vely fast,” from a crashed car, lest it explode, and kill us. Myself, Jesse, and David, the passenger in the winners circle, locked arms, and skipped out of danger. Shades of Monty Python! We repeated this performance several times. Nobody said anything.

     After dark, we filmed a scene, inside a tent, that was serving as the extras holding area. It was converted into a control room, at the race track, and we were the staff, operating inside. It kept us out of the wind, so we did not complain. Much. The star of the show suddenly bursts into the tent, seeking medical help! There has been a crash, on the track, and people are hurt! Maybe even dying! He approaches my friend Jesse, who is seated behind a counter, pretending to type. He completely ignores our hero, and his desperate plea. When he finishes his lines, he looks at Jesse, for some sort of response. Jesse Promptly looked up at him, and gave him the finger. Then he resumed typing. It was priceless! He repeated this performance several times, and again nobody said anything.

     I was directed to sit in a chair, next to a two-way radio, and yell into a microphone, to see if anyone could help us, and if so, what was taking so long? I yelled all kinds of choice things. “What the f**k is taking so long? People are dying, you dumb a*s! C’mon! Get the f*****g lead out! I bet if I was giving away money, and blowjobs, you would be here already, so hurry, the f**k up!” This may not have been my exact words, but whatever I said, would never have made it into a Disney movie. That’s for sure!

     The only celebrity on set, that any of us, had heard of, was Johnny Yune. He was famous for his work on, “They call me Bruce,” as well as being a standup comedian, in Korea. He said he liked working in America, because he never had to worry about offending anyone, and there were no taboo subjects, that comics could not talk about. He was very nice, to us. We were curious about possibly getting to see the film. He said he had a video store in “Koreatown,” which was near Hollywood, and he gave me the phone number to his store. Perhaps he would be able to get a copy, of the film. 

     We were booked to work 2 days, on this shoot, and I opted to wait until the second day, to get paid. Others took their pay, the first day, and never returned. F*****g p*****s! Anyone who quits a job, in show business,  for any reason, other than sickness, death, or a better offer, is a p***y. Unless you are working for Disney. In that case, you would be stupid for taking the job, in the first place. Sorry Walt. Nothing personal against you.  I was raised on Bugs Bunny, and Jonny Quest. 

     So payday arrives, and production tried to pay us with Korean travelers checks. “Sorry Orville. That s**t aint gonna fly.” The liaison, between the production company, and the extras, was a young girl, named Sandi. She was having a bad day, for many reasons. I think this was her first job, in a supervisory capacity, working with extras, on a major film. Especially a major Korean film. She later referred to the experience, as the Korean War. She did not speak Korean, so the language barrier, was definitely in place. She was obviously female, and there are still Asian men, who have a problem with women, in positions of power. Particularly women who are half their age. She was pretty much in charge of all the extras, so she was a very important person, on set. In addition we were not behaving very well. 

     The bathrooms were about 75 yards, from the set, and at night, there was no light, so we took turns escorting the ladies, to the bathroom. We told Sandi that we would not accept Korean travelers checks, and Jesse said he had the keys to one of the race cars. He was very willing, to bury them in the sand, if his pay was not correct. I came to the rescue, by suggesting that someone go to a currency exchange, and get American money. Production was not happy , and Sandi was ready to tear her hair out, but they must have taken my suggestion, because about 90 minutes later, they paid me in brand new crisp $50 dollar bills. 

     Many are the times, I have wanted to see this movie. We joked among ourselves that an American film company would never have tolerated us, and that after 2 very long days, production probably had 30 minutes of usable film. About a year, or so later, I called Johnny Yune, at his video store. He did not remember me, but he remembered the film. He said that, “Asphalt Man,” had won the equivalent of 6 oscars, in Korea, and had been made into a weekly TV show. Maybe we really are big stars, in Korea! 

Mr. Yune did not have a copy, of the film, and suggested I contact KTV, (Korean Television) in Korea, and request a copy. I never did, so to this day, I have not seen the film. I might have found bits, and pieces of it, online, but I did not see anything that looked familiar, and for all I know the title has been changed. It remains the oddest production, I ever worked on.