Heard on set 3

    Heard on Set 3

                                       

“You have only booked me twice, this year. No big loss.” I said this to some fly by night, casting director, and then I hung up, on her. She had just threatened to never book me again. Production gave me SAG work, and she was worried about exceeding the number of union workers, on set. I Never heard of such a thing! I think she thought she would have to pay my wages, that day. I really don’t care. I cashed the check, anyway. She must have forgotten, because she did book me again, about a year later. I was working on, “Chicago Hope,” when all this happened.

“Have you done a 4th step yet?” One of my friends, yelled this at Gary Busey, on the set of “Black Sheep.” I warned him that Busey could get him fired, but he did not care. He yelled it several times.  Nothing was done about it. If Mr. Busey heard him, he ignored him.

“God told me he hates you.” Said by an extra, dressed as a Catholic priest, to another extra, who was bitching about something unimportant, or impossible to fix. I think it was related to lunch.

“There is a snake over by the honey wagon.” Spoken nonchalantly, by a girl, on the set of “Carnivale.” We were in the mountains, northeast of Los Angeles, so there was a “snake wrangler,” on set. He caught the snake. A 3-foot California King snake. The wrangler promised to take the snake further into the mountains, and turn it loose. We were all very happy, about that.

“Wake up! There are people f*****g right in front of you!” Spoken by the director, of a porn film, I worked on. It was a hot afternoon, and several of us were nodding off. They booked about 10 of us, to be students in a sexual education class. Yes, porn can be boring. No pun intended.

“What’s the capital of Mississippi?“ We were on set once, with a group of volunteers, who were working for free. They had been assigned an M C, who was playing a trivia game, with us. Being a smart-a*s, I yelled back, “The letter M!” I won a prize, for the correct answer. I think it was on the set of “Sunset Park.” An adolescent basketball movie.

“My show has no redeeming value, whatsoever. It is a circus, and they pay me to be the Ringmaster.

Spoken to me by Jerry Springer, on the set of, “The Spy who Shagged Me.”

“Do you like to go fast?” Said to me, by a stunt driver, just as we climbed into our police car. We were riot police, on the film, “Face / Off.” We did go fast, and nobody got hurt.

“Pay no attention to the whirlwind!” Announced over a loud speaker, when a big dust-devil, swept through the set, turning over a couple of tents, and sucking all of the garbage, from lunch, into the air. It was raining Styrofoam plates, and cups, everywhere. We loved it. We were working on, “Champion.” A Korean production about a boxer, Kim Duk-Koo, who got killed, in the ring.

“I’m sorry I cannot help you. I have to go and sacrifice a goat now.” The extras holding area, was in a small neighborhood church, and this crazy girl, was bitching about not being allowed anywhere upon the altar. She wanted to pray. She made quite a scene about it. She asked one of my colleagues, to assist her in getting permission, to use the altar. The above was his reply. It was on “The Elian Gonzalez story.”

“You are getting the best show.” Said to me, by a young naked porn star, who was gyrating, and posing, right in my face, on the set of “Stripped.” She was right. I got the best show.

“Can you f**k this up for me, Please?” Spoken by a 1st A D, to a grip, who was going to run an errand.

“That was good. I got that on camera.” I was at a bowling alley, working on an episode of, “Beverly Hills 90210.” I went to roll a bowling ball, and it stuck in my hand. I fell down hard, on my knee, before finally releasing the ball. I struck anyway. Then I said, as I hobbled back to my seat ,“I hope you do not want me to do that again.“ The director loved it, but not enough to keep it. On the episode, all you see is the ball striking the pins. Anybody could have done it, but I know, it was me.

“Why don’t you try modeling?” Spoken by a director, to an actress, who kept messing up, her lines.

“Everybody pretend you are masturbating!” Direction given us, when we were students, in a sex- education class. One of my co-workers proceeded to bounce his table, up and down, from underneath. It was pretty funny, and even the director was laughing. 

“Why is it, that you can remember, all the gory details, of this story, but you cannot remember you have already told me this story. Several times.” I said this to a fellow extra, after he told me the same bullshit, for the 5th, or 6th time. He went away, and stayed there. Works for me.

“Wow man! You have lost weight! I’ll bet you can get laid now!” Words of encouragement, said to me, by one of my colleagues, that I had not seen, in over a year. I had lost over 100 pounds, by just cutting red meat, out of my diet.