Bars

   Bars

Did a gay bar scene, that I think was for an episode of, “Murphy Brown.” The gag involved a cast member, who fell, for a woman, who was really a man, dressed as a woman. A very tried, and true sale, for Hollywood. See “Some like it hot,” “Tootsie,” “The Birdcage,” etc. Casting actually put a notice, on the work line, for people who might be offended, by being asked to work in a gay bar. Except this was not a gay bar. It was a soundstage, at one of the studios. Probably CBS. If anyone was offended, I say to them, “Get over yourself, a*****e!” To casting, I say, “Thanks for the work.” 

     I was directed to walk across the bar, on “ACTION!, ” to a table, where my friend Tony K., was already seated. He stood up, and gave me a hug. Then we both sat down, in the booth, opposite each other. Production had provided us with cranberry juice, in a wine glass, so we looked like we were drinking wine together. There was an old style public phone, on set. It was painted bright red, and had the door that activated, the light, whenever the door was closed. It sat sideways, to camera, so you could see someone exit, or enter the booth, but you could not see the inside, of the booth. 

     Between takes, Tony said to me, “The next time they roll sound, I will get up, before you get here, and we can go into the phone booth together.” “That was not the direction, I was given.,” I reminded him. “So what,” he exclaimed, “ It’s a gay bar! Let’s do it! I bet they will love it!” I shook my head, “ There is no middle ground, on this set. If they don’t love it, they will hate it. We will get sent home, and Central, will be pissed. So I’m not doing it. I got too much, to lose.” We did not go into the phone booth. I always tried to do exactly what production asked me to do. Never got in trouble, for taking direction. Besides, I was very happy, to be invisible.

     What would a fight, in a bar be, without the old west saloon. “Yee-Haw! S**t, Howdy! Put the saddle, on the stove! We are gonna ride the range tonight!” The good guys are looking for a man, wearing an eye patch. I am hiding out in a saloon, where EVERYBODY is wearing an eye patch. Including me. Suddenly 2 Cowboys, engaged in a fist fight, tumble over the very table, where I am sitting, and I have to jump out of the way, to avoid getting injured, or worse. 

     Got booked as a bartender, for the movie, “Dodgeball.” Have not seen the film. The wardrobe department, gave me a T-shirt, to wear. It had a picture of a classic car, on it. Beneath the car, were the words, “My other ride, is your Mother.” Several people were offended, and some told me that if I wore the shirt, off set, I would probably get a beating. I had to say, over, and over, “This is not my shirt. Production made me wear it.” I don’t know if it is visible, in the movie. Production did give me a choice, but the other shirt had, “ Drink Beer, Smoke Dope, Eat P***y.” I liked the classic car better. Maybe if you noticed the car, you would miss the writing. The car was a 1959 Ford Thunderbird convertible. Very nice! I worked this production, at the “Dirty Sanchez” bar, in Los Angeles.

     Worked on a sound stage, dressed as a bar, for 2 different porn films. One had me, and a friend of mine, sitting at the bar, drinking alcoholic beverages, while a man, and a woman, were having sex, on the pool table. The other film featured 2 girls having sex, on top of the table, where I was seated. I was instructed to keep the girl closest to me, from falling off the table, so I actually interacted with a porn star! The film ends when the movie police, come in, and arrest everyone. Except me. During the arrest, the cops did spill, my beer. The director told me to look at the camera, shrug my shoulders, and say, “S**t happens.” I got a line, in a porn film! I told the director, I wanted to say, “That sonofabitch spilled my beer!” The director smiled, and said, “I should have let you say that.” They kept the original line.

     Loitered in front of a bar, for ”Matchstick Men,” and “ Lucky Numbers.” I also worked, on location, in a small town bar, where the residents, of the town, were being eaten by a prehistoric crocodile. I sat at the bar, and smoked cigars, all day, for, “NYPD Blue.” Did another gay bar scene, for the “Gilmore Girls.” Production placed me right at the bar, because I did not object to sitting next to a drag queen.

     Worked in a redneck country bar, that was also topless, as a patron. I sat at a table, nursing a drink. The film was about some guy who fell in love, with a stripper. He killed her husband, for her. Afterward, she abandoned him. Of course she did! What else would a stripper, in a Hollywood movie do? She led a secret life too! Only a select few, knew she was a stripper. Sounds like a movie, to me.

     I danced with a much younger, pretty girl, in a bar, that had a dance floor, aboard the Queen Mary, in Long Beach, for the film, “L A Confidential.” The person, or persons responsible for dressing the set, made a big mistake. They put real booze, in my glass, and left a real bottle of, “Black Velvet” whiskey, on my table. I brought it to their attention, and they fixed it immediately. The lawyers, and insurance companies would have a field day, if someone got hurt, and there was open booze, on set. This was the only time I have been aboard the Queen Mary.

     Whatever kind of bar, or other establishment, for serving alcohol, you can think of, we probably shot a movie there. Night clubs, Casinos, Neighborhood bars, Gay bars, Small Town bars, Skid Row bars, Gentlemen’s Clubs, Very Expensive bars,  Biker bars, Redneck bars, Famous bars, You name it. I was even a patron in a futuristic bar, for the TV show, “Space, Above & Beyond.” Hollywood has long had an affair, with alcohol, and the number of bar scenes, I have worked on, proves it.