Heard on set 2

   Heard on Set 2

“If I didn’t wear these, I would get shot, in the face!” Spoken by the camera man, on a porn film, who always wore goggles, and a face shield.

“I’m John McGinley.” He was my doctor, on an episode of, “Scrubs.” Production picked me, because they liked my bathrobe.

“Knock-knock! Who’s there? Madonna. Madonna who? That’s show-biz!” I cannot remember what set, I was on, when I heard this.

“I don’t care, who he is, get him off my truck!” I said this, to security, upon learning that the guy, laying all over the hood, of my truck, was either the director, or one of the producers, on the film, “Man in the Moon.” I am not sure which. At the time I owned a beautiful truck. A fully restored 1969 Step side, short bed Chevy. It got me some good work, and thou shalt not lay all over it. Period. Security removed the offender, and nothing more was said, or done about it. 

     Another incident occurred, on that film. A young girl, about 8, or 9, somehow made it past security. She ran up to Jim Carrey, begging for an autograph. One of the crew members actually turned her back, on the girl, and began to sign Mr. Carrey’s name, to a piece of paper, she had. Mr. Carrey was standing, right there, and when he saw this, he snatched the paper, from the crew- member’s hand, and said, “ We should not lie, to our children.” He then demanded someone take a picture, of him, with the little girl, which he signed, and gave to her, before sending her, on her way. Impressed the hell, outta me. We were shooting a scene, in front of a theatre, on Hollywood Blvd. Supposedly, Andi Kaufman, who Jim Carrey portrayed, in the film, was paying full price, to get into the theatre. He did not want to see the film. He just wanted to get some movie theatre popcorn. I was on the sidewalk, at the pay phone, right next to the theatre. They booked my truck too, so I got a pay bump, that day. Never saw the movie.

“This is a porn film, so it is ok to look, at my dick.” Spoken by one of the actors. I was booked, as a student, in a sex education class, where the education, was live, and in color.

“Do you mind? We are trying to shoot a movie here.” Spoken by Morgan Freeman, on the set of the movie, “Seven.” Apparently Mr. Freeman thought the guy was homeless, and was there to panhandle, steal, or otherwise interrupt, our work. He was an extra, who had been booked, as a homeless person. When Mr. Freeman discovered this, he apologized, to the guy. The same thing happened to me, on the set of, “White Mans Burden.” Everyone thought I was there to panhandle a sandwich. When they found out, I was booked homeless, they did not apologize. True a******s! This was further evidenced, by the fact that production had the entire crew gather around me, as I lay, on the sidewalk, for a photo. I never got a copy, or even saw the picture. The cast, was nice. It was only the crew, that sucked.

“Grab your crotch, and thrust your hips!” Said by our dance choreographer, on a music video, where we were spoofing, Michael Jackson.

“Could you all, just shut the f**k up?” Yelled at us, by one of the A.D’s, on the set of “Artificial Intelligence.” He was lacking social skills, so we ignored him.

“Is the camera ok?” A large lighting structure collapsed, and struck the camera, as well as one of the extras. Production seemed to be more worried, about the camera. This was on the film, “Ali.” A film, most of us, hated working on. Production was not very nice, to the extras.

“Grenade!” One of my colleagues, yelled this, and tossed a large pine cone, at me, on the set of “JAG.” we were all booked as soldiers. Scared me real good.

“I’m a friend of Sarah Connor. I was told, she is here. Could I see her, please?” I said this during a rehearsal. I was playing a detective, who was bringing in 3 handcuffed females, suspected of being prostitutes. When I arrived at the front counter, of the police station, I did my Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation. The sound guy was laughing so hard, he almost dropped the “Boom mike,” he was holding. I got laughs, so again I did not get into trouble. This was also on the set of, “Alien Nation, body, and soul.” A very fun set, to work on. 

“Let me know, if this hurts!” Said to me, by a stunt man, who had placed sand bags, in front of my torso, and was furiously kicking them. It was supposed to look like I was being beaten, and robbed. I played a restaurant manager, on the short-lived TV series, “Good VS Evil.” I believe the episode I worked on, was for the Sci-Fi channel. 

“Hey! He just licked my p***y!” Spoken by Ginger Lynn, on the set of, “Stripped.” We all applauded, and cheered, for the extra, who did it. At least somebody fulfilled a teenage fantasy!

“You are on the wrong set.” Heard this, only once. A bunch of us, showed up at set #1, at Paramount studios. We all thought we were going to be working, on one of the many different incarnations, of, “Star Trek,” that were filmed there. Alas, it was not to be. Casting was supposed to send us to set #11. Maybe it was a typo, or missed communication, but about 20 of us ended up being late for work, even though we showed up early. We did not get penalized, because casting screwed up. Not us.

“What are you looking over there for? You have a naked woman, dancing right in front of you!” This was said to me on the set of, “Book Report.” There really was a stripper dancing right in front of me. She was not my type, and the more clothes, she took off, the less attractive, she became. I was looking at another stripper, on the opposite side, of the bar, who I thought, was more attractive. I turned my gaze, back to the girl, in front of me, to make the director happy. She took off even more clothes. If she was trying to make me happy, it did not work. I prefer a little mystery, and a totally naked woman, does not leave much, for the imagination. Oh well. There is no accounting, for taste.

“ You! Excera! When dilectol say axshun! You lun vely fast ok!” Spoken by a Korean A D, on the set of “Asphalt Man.” A Korean television production. This guys name was Yu, and all day long we were yelling, “Hey you!” They tried to pay us with Korean travelers checks. We told them, “That aint gonna fly, Orville.” So they sent someone, to a currency exchange, and got real American cash money, for us.

“Goddammit! It’s 10:30! I told my dope man, to be here, no later than 10:15!” These words were loudly spoken, by Chris Rock, on the set of, “Nurse Betty.” It was late. We had been working all day, and were very tired. Mr. Rock decided to inject his particular brand, of humor, into the situation, to cheer us up, and wake us up. He is a great comic, and a good time was had, by all. Except for the extra, who got sent home, for touching Renee Zellweger in an inappropriate manner. The director told us to act like we had known her, a long time. So, this extra, either slapped, pinched, or grabbed, Ms. Zellweger, on her backside. How rude! He could not believe it, when he was sent home, and not asked, to come back. The rest of us, worked again, the next day. Another example, of what stupidity, will do, for you.

“Cut! Print! Check the gate! That’s a wrap!” Heard on every set, that speaks English.