Heard on set

 Heard on set

“ Cut! Reset! Back to one!” Said on every set, that speaks English.

“ She just farted, in my face!” Spoken by Dennis Hopper, on “Waterworld.” He was holding the young girl, Enola, played by Tina Majorino, way up, in the air, so we could all see the tattoo, on her back, that supposedly led to dry land, when he uttered those words.

“ I need the monkey, on set, with his head on, and his eyes in.” Spoken over a loudspeaker on the Disney movie, “Ed.”

“ I need all my dead people, on set, right now!” I cannot remember, what set, I was on, when I heard this.

“ If you are standing here, you may get sprayed, or splattered on.” Heard this warning on “Little Nicky,” and “War of the Worlds.” I got sprayed, but never splattered on.

“ I need this to go 4,3,2,1! I don’t have another truck, to blow up!” Spoken over a loudspeaker, on the set of, “Blown Away.” The scene did not appear much, in the theatrical release, of the movie. It was a flashback scene. I think they show the truck burning, but only for an instant. It was, however, my first explosion, on set. Pretty cool! The magic of Hollywood! Bodies flying, and people dying. Outstanding!

“ I’m Biff Hanky, from K.R.A.P.” Spoken by a fellow extra, who was booked, as a newscaster on, “Independence Day.” I was his cameraman. He repeated the phrase all night. It was funny, every time he did it.

“ Penis coming through. Make way, for the penis. Do not bump, or touch the penis.” This was announced, over a loudspeaker on, “Sex and the city.” We were at the “Hustler” adult store, somewhere in, or near Hollywood. It was a celebration party, for a guy, who had been selected, to have a sex toy created in his own image, and likeness, if you know what I mean. Maybe he was a porn star. Production had made a very large cake, shaped like a penis, and it was rigged to squirt whoever cut into it first. I was booked as the only truck driver, in the store. The wardrobe department told me as much, when they allowed me to wear, my own clothes. 

“ Are you a union member?” I heard this on damn near every set, I worked. Multiple times. It reached critical mass when I started responding with, ”Who are you? The f*****g SAG police!” Not very nice, I know, but I was so sick of the question.

“ You must be out of your f*****g mind!” Champion. See chapter titled, “People are strange.”

“ He/She went to the William Shatner school, of overacting.” I heard this on many different sets. Usually spoken by another extra, myself, or a crewmember.

“ Do you mind if we put something, in your a*s?” Spoken by a director, to a woman, on a porn film. She declined, saying she was not prepared, and would not do, such a scene, without advance notice.

“ How many times, have you been killed?” I heard this on about half the sets, I worked on.

“ Dyslexics of the world, untie!” Yelled by one of the directors on, “Alien nation, body and soul.” I yelled back, “Hey, that’s not very nice! 10, out of 9 people, are dyslexic, you know!” I made everybody laugh, so I did not get into trouble, for yelling out loud, on set.

“Rolling! Background action! Aaannnddd action!” Also said, on every set, that speaks English .

“ If you run, from the bear, he will chase you down, and you will get hurt. Remain still, and do not run, from the bear.” Spoken by the bear wrangler, on the set of a film about the only man in history, to ever wrestle a bear, and win. Our sound guy chose to run, from the bear. He was chased down, and he got hurt. The bear was a cinnamon bear, weighing around 600 pounds, who loved wrestling, and loved green apples. He did not like the sound guy, for some reason. Maybe it was his cologne.

“ See! My f*****g extras don’t even like you! Go home!” The director of a web, search-engine commercial, asked me if I thought, one of the day players, looked like someone, who knew how to play chess. I said, “No,” so he sent the guy home. I still wonder if I had said anything else, what might have happened. Maybe I would have been sent home. Garry Kasparov was there, playing chess against 20 people, at the same time. Only a young boy, who was using this web, search-engine, was giving him any sort of challenge. He was beating the rest of the players, easily. I was just a spectator, watching the game.

“ Could all of the background, please come down, out of the tress?” Spoken, over a loudspeaker, on the Disney movie, “Ed.”

“ How long, have you had, a small penis?” One of my colleagues, who was booked as an E.M.T., asked me this, on camera, with sound rolling. I had to damn near bite my tongue off, to keep from laughing out loud, during, what was supposed to be, a serious situation. The film was, “The Cell.”

“ I am going to tell you a joke that will knock your tits off. Oh, I see you already heard it.” Said by my friend Tony on, “Waterworld.”

“ Can I get a bump, for that?” I heard this, all the time. Usually said by someone who wanted  a “pay bump,” for something, he, or she, was asked to do. My close friend drove an ambulance, at high speed, up a hill, with a curve, and there were extras lining both sides, of the road. He did it several times. Never hit anyone, and did not wreck the ambulance. They bumped his pay, but they did not give him, what that stunt was worth. He got booked on a lot of other high paying jobs, so maybe that was the payoff. He made over 11 thousand dollars, for one day of work, on a beer commercial, so I do not feel that sorry for him. I saw the checks. They were mailed to my house. He did not want his family to know about how much money he made. Another time he made 600 dollars, and he was asleep, most of the time. I only made 200 dollars, for sleeping, on set, so I guess he was better at sleeping. I know he was a better driver.

“ Are you ok, with my p***y, on your head?” Spoken by Ginger Lynn, on the set of, “Stripped.”

“ What do a movie extra, and a base head, have in common? They both want a line.” I heard this one, all the time.

“ I never asked you, to dance. I said, you look fat, in those pants.” Spoken by a friend of mine, to a girl that thought she was “all that.” Happened on the set of, “Space Jam.” Someone else remarked that Bugs Bunny probably got paid, more than Michael Jordan, and if so, he deserved it. 

“ I’m Martin Sheen.” Here is a guy, who introduces himself, to everyone, on set. He introduced himself, to me, twice. Once on, “The West Wing,” and again on, “Catch me if you can.” 

“ Thanks for the coffee, Kathy!” yelled by a group of girls on, “Little Black Book,” upon discovering that Kathy Bates had purchased designer coffee, for everyone. Thanks again, Kathy!

“ I can’t wear this dress. The fabric is hurting my n*****s!” I cannot remember what set, I was on, when I heard this. See chapter titled, “People are strange.”

“ I’m Tim Matheson.” Spoken to me as we met in the hair, and makeup trailer, on the set of, “Fast Company.” I spoke with him again, when I worked on “Black Sheep.” 

“ Do we have a 20, on Mr. Williams, and can we please get some film, in the can today?” This was announced, over a loudspeaker, on the set of, “The Birdcage.” Production was having a hard time locating Robin Williams. He was hanging out, with us, in the background tent.

“ He went to the Stanley Kubrick school, of directing.” Spoken on the set of, “61*.” The story of how Roger Maris broke Babe Ruth’s single season hitting record. The little asterisk is there because Maris played more games, in a single season, than Ruth. It was later removed. Billy Crystal, who directed the film, likes lots of takes. He was being compared to Kubrick, who holds the Guinness world record, for the most takes, in a single scene, with dialogue. 127 for the film, “The Shining.” The good news is we always got lots of overtime. They were over 2 hours late, breaking us, for lunch. A lot of extras were upset about it, but I did not care. I was too busy counting my hours.

“ Forget him, and start thinking about donuts.” Direction given me, by Bill Paxton, on the set of, “Frailty.”

“ Dad! What are you doing here?” I yelled this at Brendan Fraser, on the set of, “Bedazzled.” We were in the crowd, at a rock concert, and he had just walked out on stage. He was dressed as your stereotypical alcoholic, drug-addicted, rock star. I got a smile from him, and applause, from the audience.

“ I will not take criticism, from a man, in a dress!” We were working on “ER.” One of my colleagues, who was booked as a gown patient, decided to offer George Clooney, his opinion, of a film, Mr. Clooney had worked on. He was lucky Mr. Clooney was good-natured, about it.

“ That is perfect! Exactly what I want! Do it again!” Heard this often. It became, and probably still is, a running joke among people, who work on movies, and TV. We said to each other, all the time.