S**t Happens

S**t Happens

     When we broke, for lunch, on the set of, “My left Hook,” which later changed it’s name to, “Tyson,” I went to the catering truck, and got a plate, of food. The caterer had put something, in the rice, so it tasted awful. I threw my entire tray of food, utensils, and all, into the trash. My friend Tony, who I had just met, said, “What’s that all about?” I pointed to the catering truck, “How do you f**k up rice?” He tasted the rice, and promptly tossed his tray, utensils, and all, into the trash too. “What are we going to do, for lunch?” I pointed across the street. “I’m going to Burger King.” We started across the parking lot. When we reached the sidewalk, a security guard, stopped us. “Where are you going?” “Over to Burger King,” I said. “You can’t do that.” I could not believe my ears. “You gonna pay me for lunch?”, I asked. The guard shook his head, and said ”no.” I stepped onto the sidewalk. “See ya.” Tony followed, and the guard did not try to stop us. Maybe he ate the rice too. Maybe he was a lousy security guard. I think it was the mob, of extras, approaching us. They must have all eaten the rice, because about 200 movie extras, descended, En Masse, on Burger King. We ate there for the rest of the shoot. On some calls, the meals provided, for non-union extras, leave a lot to be desired. 

     We were supposed to be fans, at a Las Vegas boxing match. There were several hundred of us, all dressed, ”upscale.” Tony, and I wore business suits. I got up, from my seat, to go to the bathroom, and a crew member approached me. “What are you doing,?” he demanded. “I’m going to the bathroom,” I answered. “You need permission, to go to, the bathroom.” I went straight from zero, to f**k you, but I decided to be nice. “I am a grown man,” I said, “I haven’t asked permission, to go to the bathroom, since middle school. I will tell you, I’m going, but I will not ask, if it’s ok.” I then walked off, to the bathroom, without waiting, for a response. Another colleague, once remarked that in show business, all you have to do, is give someone a headset, and poof! Instant a*****e. 

     I cannot tell you, the number of times, I have heard this. “If you even look at Bruce Willis, he will have you sent home. If Bruce Willis thinks you are better looking, than he is, he will have you sent home.” I didn’t believe it. Then I worked on a Bruce Willis movie. The catering company was having a bad day, having served us something, we politely referred to, as “mystery meat.” Rumor had it, that Mr. Willis, did not like the mystery. Suddenly, as if by magic, different food, and drink arrived, for everyone. According to my best information, at the time, Mr. Willis was responsible. If he was an angry man, he certainly wasn’t angry, with me.

     I was going, to get coffee, our paths crossed. I stepped aside, and allowed him, to pass first. Not because he was Bruce Willis. Not because he got better food, for us all, and made it possible, for me to drink designer coffee, for free, while at work. I did it because he is my elder, and I was raised that way. As he passed, I tipped my hat, to him. I thought nothing, of it. Isn’t this something grownups do? He acknowledged the gesture, with a nod, and went on, about his business. Haven’t seen him since, except on film. When I was first told, this story, about Mr. Willis, I didn’t believe it. I still don’t. Things are not what they seem. This is Hollywood. Anything can happen. Maybe YOU got fired, by Bruce Willis, but as far as I am concerned, he bought lunch. A really nice lunch.

     During the Christmas season, one year, I got booked, to play Santa Claus. 100 dollars, for 8 hours. I took the job. It was for the grand opening, of a store. I sat in my “Santa Throne,” outside the entrance to the store. Casting had also booked, a woman, in a green, and red dress, who was supposed to be Mrs. Claus. She was assisting the customers, who wanted a picture, with Santa. I cannot remember, if they charged a fee, or not. If they did, it was not expensive. Most of the boys wanted video games, and most of the girls wanted all things, having to do, with Barbie.

     Quite a few children, sat in my lap, and a few adults too. One such, was a 30-something guy, who was obviously drunk. He sat in my lap, and exclaimed, “Santa, I’ve only been married 2 months, and it’s hell already!” I thought his behavior, at 3:00, in the afternoon, in front of all these children, was a bit distasteful, so I snapped at him, “I don’t wanna hear it! I have been married to the same woman, for over 500 years!” He was thoroughly taken aback, by what I said, and before he could respond, Mrs. Claus smiled at me, and said, “You tell him Santa!” Our pathetic sot, wandered away, to the sound of children, laughing, at him. Ho, Ho, Ho!

     Over the years, I worked several productions, that were produced, by other countries. One was Germany, and the rest Korea. We did a film, where we were guests, in a receiving line, at a high profile wedding, between a Korean woman, and an American business man. The director said to us, “What would you say, to someone, who has only been in the country, for 2 weeks? Be nice!” I was at the back of the crowd, and I hollered, “How do you like chicken McNuggets?” The director, came over to me, and said, “Don’t mention any specific food item, or business. Just ask her, if she has tried, American fast food.” That is how I got my first line, in a film. Production raised my pay, for speaking, on camera. The only other film, I was ever asked to speak in, was a porn film, but that is another story.

     I remember extras, telling tales, of being present, on the last day of shooting, or being invited, to the “Wrap Party.” A wrap party, usually takes place, when filming, is finished. I have never been to a wrap party, but I have been present, on the last day of shooting, twice. I already mentioned getting paid to eat with the cast, and crew, when I was standing in. This was different. It was the last day, of shooting, for the network TV show, “Boston Public.” I was booked, as a parent, who had a child graduating from high school. I sat in an auditorium, and cheered, for my child, when he was announced. Pretty easy job.

     I did not know if they were shooting the last episode, of the season, or if the show was cancelled, and it was the last show, period. I just know that at lunchtime, there was an Espresso bar, a salad bar, and a Belgian waffle bar. On top of all this, the main course was lobster tail.

     I ate 4 lobster tails, that day. I first justified this gluttony, by saying to myself, and others, “ The pay sucks, for me, so I’m just gonna eat 50 bucks.” Yes, I know. Pretty stupid. Another extra offered moral support, by saying, “ I doubt this is Maine lobster. It’s probably cheap Mexican lobster.” What balls! Complaining about, I daresay, one of the best, if not the best, free lunches, we ever ate. If production wanted to be cheap, they could have filmed us first, and sent us home. We only worked 4 hours, and you needed 6, to qualify, for lunch. If you get free lobster tail, for lunch, shut the f**k up, and eat it. If you are allergic, vegan, or you just don’t like lobster, you don’t have to eat it. However it would still be nice if you shut the f**k up. Far to much bitching, happens on set. 

     I was further justified, when catering came to us, with mass quantities, of leftover lobster, and said, ”If you don’t eat it, we will throw it away.” That is when I got my 3rd, and 4th lobster tail. I’ve always felt, you could judge the quality, of your life, by how often, you get to eat, something you really like. If I eat lobster twice a year, it’s been a good year. So I ate to much lobster. I should have stopped at 3. Not necessarily gluttony, but still to much. For me, gluttony is when eating becomes painful. So a very heartfelt thank you, to “Boston Public,” for allowing me to eat, like a king, for a day.