Birth of a sinner

If I haven't known God, I wouldn't hate Him

 

           

 I have every right to hate the world and the people around me. I even have the right to hate myself, and sorry for saying this, I also wanted to hate God.

                I grew up believing that bullying was a very, very normal thing. Whenever I’m teased about being adopted, I just make an ugly face and say, ‘Does it matter to you?’ My brother would then scold me and make me go home.

                At that time I didn’t truly understand my situation.

                And when I finally realized what kind of life I was living, I stopped dreaming.

                All my dreams turned into illusions: Marrying someone I love, being loved, preserving my dignity, and BEING HAPPY. Well, I know I sound happy; I am but not in the way I want to be.

                I am content with my life and I love ME, but it doesn’t mean I am happy.

                The family that adopted me did so because they were not blessed with a baby girl and they already had four boys. But after they took me, they were blessed with a menopausal baby girl. When she came into our life, I had to stop my schooling. I was grade one that time. And when I finally got the chance to study, I did my best hoping for appreciation from them.

                And so, I spent my childhood years begging for their attention and love. But blood’s way thicker than water.

                When I graduated in elementary, when receiving my award, I had to walk onto the stage alone. When I shook hands with our city governor I had a hard time fighting back my tears. He asked where my parents were. I just shook my head in silence.

                But I’m okay with it. I have understood since then that I can’t demand attention from my adoptive parents. They raised me, provided me with shelter and clothes, what more should I ask?

                But I had a hard time fitting into a family who couldn’t see my existence.

                Many times, I rode to school crying. I was often teased or asked why the tears? It was embarrassing and awful. Then I learned the art of survival. I became a cheat, a thief, a liar, and a sinner.

                I remembered those times when I had to steal so that I could eat bread, when I had to lie to escape punishment, and when I had fool myself that everything’s gonna be fine.

                I experienced being slapped on the face while eating at the dining table. I experienced being called W***E by my father inside in our university, in front of everybody. I experienced being forgotten when my father went to a faraway place and then came back bringing souvenirs for everyone, yet none for me. I never forgot his words, ‘Hala nalimtan man teka Che, sunod na lang’ (Oh~ I forgot about you Che, maybe next time).

                I remembered his promises, his promise of sending me to college. Yet even with my scholarship he wouldn’t send me to College University. I mean, I studied but he won’t give me any support. It was a struggle. And then I finally gave up in my second year. I couldn’t bear it anymore. When I was living in a boarding house, there were times when I had to sleep the whole day so that I won’t feel the hunger in me. Then around midnight I sneaked to the kitchen looking for leftovers.

                That was when I decided to hate God.

Author's Note

So here's my story: how I became strong, how I became optimistic, how I became me. I will share to you my ups and downs hoping that you will also find your ups in your down moments. I will introduce you to my dark past whom I embraced as part of being me. I will tell you all my secrets, secrets that shouldn't be told...but I will. Because I am strong. Because no matter how dirty me dress is, I know I'm wearing the right outfit and I'm gonna march on the isle with my head held high. You can throw tomatoes and eggs on me, and I'm gonna pick them all and cook omelette with tomatoes for dinner.

Please don't ignore the grammar problems, I'm not a native-English speaker so it'll be a very, very big help if you correct me.

From here until the next chapters, all you will read are truths. Truths that I can never understand, but I know I cannot change.

Reviews

[Keith LaFountaine]

Powerful emotion behind your words! This was an intense but enlightening read. I enjoyed it greatly.

There are a few GUM errors ("I am contended" should be "I am content") but otherwise very well written.

Keep up the good work!

[SimpleMind]

I'm glad you did....and thanks for that GUM..it helped a lot :)

[zach h.]

It's sad to read about this story. I can't even imaginge going through anything like this. My advice is to get it all out on paper. Use the writing of the words to release it all, and then move forward. Have faith that the future will hold something so much better than anything you have imagined.

As far as the writing aspect of this goes. I noticed a few grammer errors, but I beleive another reviewer covered them, so you should be okay. The story is well put together. Easy to read and follow.

Thank you for sharing this with us.

I wish you the best of luck.

[SimpleMind]

I will :)
Thanks for the encouraging words!

[quinfinn]

i found this truly engaging and a fast interesting read. some parts of this story made me very angry at the antagonists and unhappy for the main character. this is a terrible life to have to endure, even though you were provided for. i guess your fate could have been much worse. i could find no errors in this except when you said you couldn't "bare" it anymore it should have been spelled "bear"....very good writing here!

[SimpleMind]

It's actually worse that I can't even imagine i've been through all of that. . .but I am here.
read moreIt's actually worse that I can't even imagine i've been through all of that. . .but I am here.

And thanks for the review :)

[quinfinn]

i'm glad you're here too! and you are welcome.....

[Marc Marlon Villaflor]

Sad story, but try to look at the brighter side. You are a brilliant person, you have the power to write your future in a triumphant perspective. Dwell not from the past, consider life as a gift, maybe not today or yesteray, but tomorrow God will grant your wishes in a mysterious way. Cheers!

P.S

Now you are writing :) a story.

[SimpleMind]

Thanks for the inspiring words Marc. And yes, no matter what will happen to me in the future I'm gonna look on the brighter side.

God granting my wishes in mysterious ways...I can't wait for that! I just hope it won't be too mysterious or else I wouldn't figure out that it's the gift already hahaha


P.S.
It's more like a storytelling, chatting with a friend about myself. But who knows :)

[John Alexander McFadyen]

This is a very sad tale. I picked up from your previous work that you were in this position. You are strong and brave to publish it. Writing can be cathartic. As you say you value and love yourself so that is the starting point. This is a riviting story. I have followed your request and done a bit of tidying so I hope you like it:

I have every right to hate the world and the people around me. I even have the right to hate myself, and sorry for saying this, I also wanted to hate God.

I grew up believing that bullying was a very, very normal thing. Whenever I’m teased about being adopted, I just make an ugly face and say, ‘Does it matter to you?’ My brother would then scold me and make me go home.

At that time I didn’t truly understand my situation.

And when I finally realized what kind of life I was living, I stopped dreaming.

All my dreams turned into illusions: Marrying someone I love, being loved, preserving my dignity, and BEING HAPPY. Well, I know I sound happy; I am but not in the way I want to be.

I am contented with my life and I love ME, but it doesn’t mean I am happy.

The family that adopted me did so because they were not blessed with a baby girl and they already had four boys. But after they took me, they were blessed with a menopausal baby girl. When she came into our life, I had to stop my schooling. I was grade one that time. And when I finally got the chance to study, I did my best hoping for appreciation from them.

And so, I spent my childhood years begging for their attention and love. But blood’s way thicker than water.

When I graduated in elementary, when receiving my award, I had to walk onto the stage alone. When I shook hands with our city governor I had a hard time fighting back my tears. He asked where my parents were. I just shook my head in silence.

But I’m okay with it. I have understood since then that I can’t demand attention from my adoptive parents. They raised me, provided me with shelter and clothes, what more should I ask?

But I had a hard time fitting into a family who couldn’t see my existence.

Many times, I rode the school bus crying. I was often teased or asked why the tears and it was embarrassing and awful. Then I learned the art of survival. I became a cheat, a thief, a liar, and a sinner.

I remembered those times when I had to steal so that I could eat bread, when I had to lie to escape punishment, and when I had fool myself that everything’s gonna be fine.

I experienced being slapped on the face while eating at the dining table. I experienced being called W***E by my father inside in our university, in front of everybody. I experienced being forgotten when my father went to a faraway place and then came back bringing souvenirs for everyone, yet none for me. I never forgot his words, ‘Hala nalimtan man teka Che, sunod na lang’ (Oh~ I forgot about you Che, maybe next time).

I remembered his promises, his promise of sending me to college. Yet even with my scholarship he wouldn’t send me to College University. I mean, I studied but he won’t give me any support. It was a struggle. And then I finally gave up in my second year. I couldn’t bare it anymore. When I was living in a boarding house, there were times when I had to sleep the whole day so that I won’t feel the hunger in me. Then around midnight I sneaked to the kitchen looking for leftovers.

That was when I decided to hate God.

[SimpleMind]

Geeez~ I did make a lot of mistakes hahaha
Thanks a lot for giving time tidying my piece...now I'll try to find where I usually go wrong in my grammar (just try, I might not figure it out).

And yes, I love myself because I can't imagine to be somebody else. I hope you will follow until the next chapters :) Thanks !

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Hey I can't speak Philipino or any other language. You are making a great job of trying English!

[SimpleMind]

Haha this is the first time someone complimented me because I can speak more than one language XD Thanks a lot!

[Carnation]

A lovely chapter. I could feel the emotion of it right from the start and I just couldn't pull myself away from it. A lovely poem!

[SimpleMind]

Thanks...just wait, there'll be more

[Carnation]

Yay *clapping hands*. Can't wait!