Birth of a sinner

A Chapter by SimpleMind

If I haven't known God, I wouldn't hate Him

I have every right to hate the world and the people around me. I even have the right to hate myself, and sorry for saying this, I also wanted to hate God.

                I grew up believing that bullying was a very, very normal thing. Whenever I’m teased about being adopted, I just make an ugly face and say, ‘Does it matter to you?’ My brother would then scold me and make me go home.

                At that time I didn’t truly understand my situation.

                And when I finally realized what kind of life I was living, I stopped dreaming.

                All my dreams turned into illusions: Marrying someone I love, being loved, preserving my dignity, and BEING HAPPY. Well, I know I sound happy; I am but not in the way I want to be.

                I am content with my life and I love ME, but it doesn’t mean I am happy.

                The family that adopted me did so because they were not blessed with a baby girl and they already had four boys. But after they took me, they were blessed with a menopausal baby girl. When she came into our life, I had to stop my schooling. I was grade one that time. And when I finally got the chance to study, I did my best hoping for appreciation from them.

                And so, I spent my childhood years begging for their attention and love. But blood’s way thicker than water.

                When I graduated in elementary, when receiving my award, I had to walk onto the stage alone. When I shook hands with our city governor I had a hard time fighting back my tears. He asked where my parents were. I just shook my head in silence.

                But I’m okay with it. I have understood since then that I can’t demand attention from my adoptive parents. They raised me, provided me with shelter and clothes, what more should I ask?

                But I had a hard time fitting into a family who couldn’t see my existence.

                Many times, I rode to school crying. I was often teased or asked why the tears? It was embarrassing and awful. Then I learned the art of survival. I became a cheat, a thief, a liar, and a sinner.

                I remembered those times when I had to steal so that I could eat bread, when I had to lie to escape punishment, and when I had fool myself that everything’s gonna be fine.

                I experienced being slapped on the face while eating at the dining table. I experienced being called W***E by my father inside in our university, in front of everybody. I experienced being forgotten when my father went to a faraway place and then came back bringing souvenirs for everyone, yet none for me. I never forgot his words, ‘Hala nalimtan man teka Che, sunod na lang’ (Oh~ I forgot about you Che, maybe next time).

                I remembered his promises, his promise of sending me to college. Yet even with my scholarship he wouldn’t send me to College University. I mean, I studied but he won’t give me any support. It was a struggle. And then I finally gave up in my second year. I couldn’t bear it anymore. When I was living in a boarding house, there were times when I had to sleep the whole day so that I won’t feel the hunger in me. Then around midnight I sneaked to the kitchen looking for leftovers.

                That was when I decided to hate God.

© 2013 SimpleMind

Author's Note

So here's my story: how I became strong, how I became optimistic, how I became me. I will share to you my ups and downs hoping that you will also find your ups in your down moments. I will introduce you to my dark past whom I embraced as part of being me. I will tell you all my secrets, secrets that shouldn't be told...but I will. Because I am strong. Because no matter how dirty me dress is, I know I'm wearing the right outfit and I'm gonna march on the isle with my head held high. You can throw tomatoes and eggs on me, and I'm gonna pick them all and cook omelette with tomatoes for dinner.

Please don't ignore the grammar problems, I'm not a native-English speaker so it'll be a very, very big help if you correct me.

From here until the next chapters, all you will read are truths. Truths that I can never understand, but I know I cannot change.

My Review

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Reviews

Akashi

I guess I know you well now miss. But this is not the best way to know you for me.

Posted 11 Years Ago

Renée

they say what does not kill us..makes us stronger..and it is true..strength & endurance is never built by ease...and it shows in your writing ! Something I have learned..we build the life we want..although many think it falls into their laps..build is what we do..Thank you for sharing this part of your life.. You are a strong woman and i look forward to reading more of your writing !

Posted 11 Years Ago

11 Years Ago

Oh thank you so much :)
Now I feel bad that I won't be able to add more chapters to this until.. read more

Nina

Amazing, you make me feel ashamed of myself for trying to give up sometimes... You re strong, and everything happened made you the person you re today, a great person. I'm glad I came across your writing, I'm not a native English too and its really good to read for you. I will be waiting for more from you ^^

Posted 11 Years Ago

11 Years Ago

Oh you don't have to feel ashamed... our burdens may not be the same.. but they're still burdens. Ha.. read more

This is powerful and very sad, but very well written. I enjoyed reading it, I'd like to read more of this person's life.

Posted 11 Years Ago

11 Years Ago

Thanks.. and no, not that sad..just a bit tragic XD

Tantra Bensko

You write with a powerful cadence, fitting for your self-confidence, and your certainty that the feelings you express have a right to be felt, and put into words, which you are correct about. It's natural to feel anger, and suppressing it, and covering it over isn't healthy. Working through it requires honoring it, paying attention, turning it into art such as stories, ideally for us.

Posted 11 Years Ago

11 Years Ago

I'm glad I didn't sound self-centered for writing my own personal stuff hehe thanks a lot!!

Sir Joseph

I am so very sorry that this happened to you. I am glad you decided to write it out and put it on here. I was very touched. Although I personally love God and am a follower of Him; I will gladly be here if you need and dont worry I won't force my beliefs on you, :) Great write! Bravo

Posted 11 Years Ago

11 Years Ago

Oh~ don't be sorry! As what I've said to others , I'm not sorry this happened to me. Your beliefs..... read more

Veronica Chandler

SimpleMind,
Your story touched me in a profound and meaningful manner. I am a person who can relate more than you could ever understand to the experiences you have shared. There are a some perspectives I must share in return; take them for what they are worth or leave them aside if you will, but I am compelled to respond. There is nothing that can be done to change the experiences you endured or possibly continue to endure. The only thing we can do is to change ourselves in relation to them; we can choose to feel "devastated" or "motivated." We choose! Some of the worst things I have ever experienced in my life have turned out to be the most productive of good. The adversities we face have to potential to catapult us far above and beyond our well loved and cared for contemporaries. These seemingly horrible experiences, while painful beyond description, have the potential to be the most precious of gifts imaginable, if we would but search. You mentioned being strong, and I guarantee you the children who laughed at you on the bus, could never have the strength, flexibility and potential alive and well within you. Keep writing and remember when you gaze upon the fine homes of another, you never REALLY know what goes on behind those doors. Their homes may be painted with money, but their lives a living hell. I applaud your bravery!
Some of the corrections to your work are certainly very minor such as...
"...why the tears and it was..." Might work better as "...why the tears? It was..."

Posted 11 Years Ago

This comment has been deleted by the poster.

11 Years Ago

I'm touched :'>

Thanks a lot for the wonderful wisdom..indeed you are right. Behind all.. read more

Basu Gupta

no words to describe it..just wanted to say you're very strong and powerful,so for that i really want to thank God..because i guess everyone is not given the potential to bear this..i really want to read more..awesome work girl

Posted 11 Years Ago

11 Years Ago

Thanks a lot my friend!!
No no no...we all have the potential to be strong..but many just choo.. read more

11 Years Ago

hatttttttttzzzzzz offff.......

blueholmes

what a debut story!!!! i love it!! i love it!! and they love it!! you're a wonderful person :) please keep that in mind :) you're so true and i guess that keeps things moving around you. you are such an inspiration!! ( you made me inspired, friend :) ) you can change, but that depends on you.. and the 'truth' thing, yes, they can't be changed. please please write more :)) you got a jet pack on you, turn it on and fly !! God had given you things more than you can imagine. as they always say, we may not understand God's plan but we know it's the best for us . let the star keep shining on friend!! :)