An Early Morning Call

True tales of my life

I hate Saturday mornings.

There " I have said it!

As a kid, I once used to love it. Saturday morning pictures with Captain Marvel who died then came back to life again the following Saturday. When I last worked as a Home-carer " I felt so envious over people enjoying free time on Friday night and especially Saturday.

However, now that I have been long retired " I do so hate Saturdays, especially the mornings.

On television all day is mostly sports, how to cook a meal with ingredients not yet invented, how to purchase a new home when you have millions to spare and come evenings, it's just reality TV showing how those more fortunate than me are having such a wonderful time, whilst I enviously cuddle up in a blanket to save on my energy bills.

So I have a plan.

Friday night television is fairly active " so I record it all for Saturday viewing. Comedy, Documentaries, Films the lot. I stack it all up. At the same time my television is switched off and I turn my attention to writing and posting on the net. I also partake in a few alcoholic beverages at the same time and go to bed very late or early morning to hopefully sleep off most of the next day " 'Sad-Saturday!'

Last Saturday morning around 9am, I was enjoying that well-planned lie-in and dreaming about being on some exotic hot beach, swimming naked in cool clear waters and finding gold jewellery everytime I submerged " suddenly my most annoying buzzer door bell rang.

Like a startled deer in the forest, I leaped from my shanghai-la bed shouting, 'COMING!'

I quickly adorned my housecoat and opened my flat door.

There stood a grey-haired lady.

'Sorry to bother you but how is your toilet?'

Feeling quite flushed I asked her to repeat the question..,

'You see, I am having a new one installed next week because in the past lettuce leaves suddenly appeared in my toilet bowl!'

Did she say 'gold jewellery' " or was I really still in bed having my dream turned around?

No. I was awake and she did say 'lettuce in her toilet bowl!'

Trying hard to still keep my eyes open and get a handle on the subject though I had by now lost all chains of reality " I tried hard to get to the seat of the problem.

'No! I have never had any vegetables appear in my toilet, let alone anything else that I did not purposely entomb in there!'

'O' that's strange., I am having a new toilet put in next week and I just wondered if I might still have the same problem!'

Leaning on my door frame with my eyes half open, I wondered if she would be best contacting Jamie Oliver or a society for 'Vegetarian toilets!'

Yet in my true mind I thought 'Please go away!' This lady was clearly round-the-bend!

As I sank lower to my knees she finally decided to vacate with a 'So sorry to bother you!'

I lied when I replied back, 'That's okay " no bother at all!'

I limped back to my bed with a hope of returning to my lovely dream.

Painfully now, fully dressed in a Kamikaze outfit, I was swimming through the S-bend picking up lots and lots of lettuce leaves!

Christine Peters