The Three Bears

My very mature take on a children's story

If a British script of the children’s story ‘The Three Bears’ was ever taken up by the American TV Serial or Movie Industry to be made into one of their versions " this is how it would possibly end up.

“The Three Bears”

Once upon a time, there were three bears; Ma Bear, Pa Bear and Baby Bear.

They all went into the woods for a picnic and Pa Bear said.,

“Hey! What greedy son of a b***h has been eating my hot-dogs?”

Ma Bear angrily retorted.

“There’s no need to use that foul language in front of the kid " just because you was dragged up on the Atlantic City boardwalk!”

“Shut your yap!” Pa bear said. “You tryin’ to break my balls?”

“Yo! Cried Baby Bear. “Hell there’s no need to talk to Ma like that.  You need to chill fool and give the b***h some cool!”

With that, Pa Bear gave Baby Bear a clout with the butt of his Colt 45 and said.,

“You give me anymore lip son and you’re going back to the orphanage., you ‘mother-freakin’ b*****d!”

“Whata you mean Pa., send me back to the orphanage.,  are you not my real Ma and Pa?”

“Cause we’re not. You don’t think we’d produce a walkin’ dead freak like you do yuh?

Your Ma might but I certainly wouldn’t!”

Just then, Ma Bear jumped up from her seat and whacked Pa Bear over the head with a baseball bat.

“How dare you say such bad things you goddam son of a b***h!”

Pa Bear rose quickly and kicked Ma Bear in the groin. “You wanna mess with me..,” He angrily repeated as he continued to beat her down.

Baby Bear, in his haste to protect the woman who for years had pretended to be his Ma, reached out for a barbeque fork that was lying on top of the picnic hamper, and stuck it deep into Pa Bear’s foot.

“You mother’s!”  Said Pa Bear. “Make my day., you’re both in for a good whooping!”

(A fight commenced around the bear’s picnic hamper)

Meanwhile, back at the Bear’s home, Goldilicks " an out of work Lap-dancer, recently released from the State Penitentiary, was forcing open one of the windows of the house with an iron bar when suddenly.,

Along came Hans Vanker, the Voodman.

“O!” Said Goldilicks, “You gave me a fright., and threw up all over the window box.

“Vhat are you doing?” Said Hans jerkingly.

“O’ nothing really!” Lied Goldilicks. “I am just looking through this window to see if anybody is in., besides., what’s it gotta do with you a*****e?”

“The Three Bears live here " Pa Bear, Ma Bear and Baby Bear. Well Baby Bear is not really their  baby., he’s a b*****d you know. I heard that on the Jerry Springer Show some time ago. Mind you, most folk around here are b******s., anyway., I am just on my way to the nearest town to spread it around " wanna come sweetie? I will be takin’ a short cut thru’ the woods and you seem like a nice gal!”

“Piss off Schmuck!” Shouted Goldilicks. “My Ma told me to never waste my time with a Vanker!”

“Please yourself b***h!” Said the Voodman as he waved goodbye with one finger and disappeared once again jerking off into the woods from whence he came.

“Nosey mother!” muttered Goldilicks as she smashed her way through the glass window. “I wonder if those Bears have the new PlayStation. I don’t got one back home?”

Goldilicks wandered into the kitchen and saw three bowls of grits on the table.

“Shiiiiit! How could anybody eat this garbage?” She thought whilst working her hands through the murky contents.

I should be wearing gloves and I must not leave any DNA as I go about.

“Yuk!” She shouted and then violently threw the contents across the kitchen floor until it hit the far wall ahead and slowly trickled down into the cat’s bowl below.

Then she upturned the kitchen table shouting, “People who eat grits " Suck!”

Then Goldilicks slid her way to the next room.

It was the Bears bedroom.

“What the ..!” Screamed out Goldilicks as she looked around the room.

“What a pathetic bunch of creeps these bears must be!” She continued and picked up a small teddy bear.

“What are you grinning at?” She said to the small toy as she ripped off his head.

“Go south sucker!” She shouted and threw the remainder of the bear out of the window. She then pulled back the sheets of Pa Bears bed revealing many copies of porn magazines.

“What a creep!” She thought whilst pouring the contents of the pot from under the bed over his bedding. She then turned around and made her way to Ma Bear’s bed.

“So this must be friggy’s bed!” She thought whilst upturning the contents of her face powder over the pillows..,

Just then, there was a knock on the door.

“Good morning!” Came the reply from a seedy looking man as Goldilicks opened the door.

“What do you want mother?” Said Goldilicks.

“I wondered what you thought about the problems in the world today?” Said the seedy looking man known only to us as ‘mother’.

“Shiiiit! How would I know.  I don’t even live here already. I’m just turnin’ the joint over. You want problems., you got problems " have you tried next door?”

“Yeah!”  Said mother, “But they told me to ‘F’ off!” 

“It was good advice!” Said Goldilicks getting even more irritated.

“You’re one of those Witness freaks aren’t you " always on the earhole when people are busy!”

“I haven’t always followed this profession. I used to be an inmate at a home for the criminally insane " but I had to leave because the guys in my room were drivin’ me nuts!”

“Look., I aint got time to ‘don’t go there’ with a creep like you.  Then suddenly Goldilicks heard sounds coming from the opening in the woods.

“Screw you b******s " you’re breaking my balls!”

“You busted my arm and I know it for sure!”

“I had it with you two. I am packing my teddy and headin’ for the Big Apple!”

'Your breaking my balls too'! Said Ma bear!'

(Theatrically speaking)

Come the voices.

  “Right a*****e " scoot!” Said Goldilicks to mother realising the Bears return.          

“Go to..,!”

“Do you think that there is perhaps far too much violence within the world today?”

Continued the jerkoff, aka ‘mother a*s-hole’.

“No!” Said Goldi as she prodded her finger into his left eye and cracked his nuts with her right knee.

As the man grabbed the door edge to prevent himself from falling, she slammed the door and to the sound of crunching fingers, she returned to the window from whence she first came.

“I don’t care a diddly-squat about the lot of you!” Continued Pa Bear tending to his many wounds. “Last time I  go on a pic-a-nic with you morons!”

As Ma Bear approached her front door she caught sight of a man (known to us as ‘mother’), crying out with such pain.

“O’ no!  It’s you mother a*****e!  I thought I told you don’t come around to my place already " don’t you got no understanding of good English?

And get your hands outa my front door!” Ma shouted as she kneed him once again in the groin.

“I’m a b*****d!” Said Baby Bear to the man..,

“No you’re not!” Said the man fearing anymore pain.

“Yes I am!!” Shouted Baby Bear as he ran towards him and kicked him hard once again between his legs.

Pa Bear moved up towards the man and with nose’s almost touching said quietly., “You tryin’ to bust my balls. You upset my family once again and I will make sure you never screw again. Don’t piss me off he yelled as he brought his fist down on the man’s trapped hand " happily freeing it from the door.

“Look at the mess you made of my door!” Ma Bear shouted as the man ran frantically towards the woods, screaming out foul soprano  language as he disappeared from sight.

“You have a nice day " Missing you already!!” Ma Bear continued.

As the Bear family made their way into their house and kitchen, they splodged their way through the overturned grits that lay cold and lifeless on the kitchen floor.

“Who-da-f***s been slingin my grits over the kitchen floor?” Said Daddy Bear.

“And who-da-f***s been slingin’…?”

“You watch yuh mouth son " I didn’t brung you up to talk like that!”

Ma Bear suddenly shouted from the bedroom.

“Come in here!”

“O no! She’s found my porn!” Mumbled Pa Bear.

“What dearest.., “ Said Pa Bear sickly as he caught sight of his bed exposing all his nasty little secrets.

“Mother! Somebody has pissed all over my dirty books!”

“What dirty books?” Exclaimed Ma Bear. “Just look at the state of this room!”

“My teddy aint got no body!” Cried Baby Bear.

“Neither have you b*****d!” Replied Pa Bear angrily wiping off the urine from his favourite spoilt books.

“I think somebody has been in this house while we were out!” Said Ma Bear intelligently.

“., And I bet it’s that b***h Goldilicks again!” Continued Baby Bear..,

But at least she never got to our ‘Stars n’ Stripes!”

(now show flag)

(play the music., hands on heart..,

Salute!)