Grandma To the Rescue

A Children's Story

It was the beginning of a very ordinary day for both Simon and Clare.

Apart from it being a one day school holiday, there was little other excitement in store for them, except for a trip to the village Post Office in the back of Grandma’s car.

This thought quickly evaporated as soon as Grandma rammed her old bus into first gear.  The car went backwards and crunched into the garage door, separating it from its hinges as it spun across the garage floor. The children looked on in awe, amidst the debris and the dust. Simon was delighted, Clare was concerned " open mouthed but speechless.

“Darn that wind!” Said Grandma, neither claiming nor even realizing her responsibility.  “Remind me to buy a screwdriver!”

“This is going to be fun!” Chortled Simon, as he settled down into his back seat. As if he was about to watch an exciting film. Clare remained speechless and merely held onto the front seat looking around in despair, but at the same time trying to have her eyes fixed firmly on the road ahead.

Grandma’s car wandered to the left and then to the right, followed by large clouds of smoke emit from sparking exhaust fumes as it fired a twenty-one gun salute. It was an amazing sight. That little car, long due for the scrap heap, struggled up the road like a dog on its last legs.

Simon and Clare were well aware of the dangers in Grandma’s car " let alone her driving. So too were twenty or more terrified oncoming drivers " but Grandma saw nothing but the sweetness of the day.

“If you want to get on in life " you’ve gotta have a good attitude!” Grandma shouted in harmony with the sounds from her engine. “I mean, look at all these people tooting their car horns at me, and to think I don’t even know one of them!”

Grandma continued with her philosophy of life as the car wobbled its journey down the highway.

Eventually, they arrived at the village Post Office. The car was by now in urgent need for a rest, steam billowed from its many crevices.

“Ah good!” Grandma cried out contentedly. “I can park right outside the Post Office!”

The Post Office stood amongst several stores within a small cul-de-sac. There was only enough parking space for three cars " one behind the other. There was already two cars parked there.

Grandma aimed her car at the vacant space. She took great care to park close to the kerb, in accordance with her driving manual. Unfortunately, her divided attention to this matter diverted her from all thought of the breaking system. She hit the car in front with such a force that she rammed it headlong into the rear of the third car.

“A bit sharp these brakes!” Grandma announced so irritably whilst restoring her glasses to their previous position. “I must remember to purchase that screwdriver!”

She then took hold of her handbag and pushed the car door open striking a man who was passing by. The man relieved his feelings in great detail, but Grandma couldn’t fathom out how anybody could be so unhappy on such a beautiful day.

“What are you two doing down there behind the seat?” Grandma bellowed out to the children. Before they could allow her good reason, she went on., “I’m just popping into the Post Office to draw my pension. You two wait here until I return!”

With that, she hurriedly wobbled towards the Post Office in a manner reminiscent of her old car. The children laughed. In their imagination they half expected her to bang and smoke as she went.

Unbeknown to Grandma, the Post Office was in the progress of being robbed by two men " but then, everything to Grandma is unbeknown.

“Put all your money in the bags!” Shouted a thin robber, who was obviously the leader. The other man looked rather big and stupid. He stood there with a gun in his hand, but was engrossed with a poster on the wall about Post Office Interests.

“’Ere Spike.., if we open up an account ‘ere wiv all of our takings.., how much d’yuh fink we’d get?”

“About fifteen years yuh stupid wally " now ‘elp me wiv all this dosh!”

Grandma’s sudden appearance seemed to go by unnoticed by the two robbers, until she marched up to the counter. “How much do you draw each week?” She blurted out as she inquisitively poked her nose into one of the robbers money bags.

“Shaddup! One False move and you get it!” Yelled Spike rudely.

“Wot " all of it!” Acclaimed the stupid one., stupidly.

As if by now well accustomed to the irrelevant remarks of his accomplice, Spike quickly diverted all of his energy back to the robbery.

“Right! Let’s go!” He shouted, and they both rushed out of the doorway.

When they were outside, to their horror they saw that their getaway car had been sandwiched in between two other cars. Life seemed to cease for the two men for moments which felt like hours.

“Quick! Get into the rear car!” Shouted Spike breaking the inertia. They threw the bags of money onto the rear seats, without noticing they were burying the two children, and scrambled into the front seats of Grandma’s car.

With a loud bang, Grandma’s car started up and Spike thumped it into reverse gear.

What happened next was unbelievable " not only did Grandma’s car reverse " so too did the other two cars in front of it; they were all hooked up together. At first, neither of the men noticed the chaos as they were both busy looking out of the rear window. They shared a sudden shock when they faced front again, then they gazed at each other in utter dismay.

In a desperate bid to get rid of all their problems in one go, the bandits continued along their escape route in reverse. All three cars rolled down the road backwards, attended by belts of smoke and serenaded by clanging metal. There were sparks and explosions as the engine gave out its best performance. They left behind " or was it in front " a long trail of assorted debris.

As no doubt you can guess, it was not very difficult for the Police to give chase and finally apprehend them. The real problem arose afterwards, with the arresting officers, the Judge and the Jury. None of them could keep a straight face; they kept falling about in fits of laughter.

The two robbers were given long sentences. They requested, nay pleaded in their humiliation, to serve out their sentences in solitary confinement.

“How could we ever face the other inmates, especially after being nabbed by an old Granny!”

The children had never experienced such an exciting day; the memories of it all never left them. They kept all the newspaper cuttings, especially the photograph of Grandma looking so superior, with one foot on the mangled bumper of her car.

As for Grandma. She was offered a large reward from the Head Post Office " but all on condition that she gave up her driving licence. The children were so relieved when she finally consented.

You can still see Grandma today " running around on her mobility scooter. Just look for that vehicle going this way and that, sounding her horn and prodding everybody around with her umbrella.

Christine Peters