Bloody Germans

11. The German Language

The German language has a very strong guttural sound to it; more suited, I think, to the Scottish than the English way of speaking  -- especially those from within the Glasgow area.

I would without doubt favour the German language far above all the other continental European languages. Most times, I do enjoy to listen it; even if I don’t fully understand what they are saying, when I hear German being blurted out from a live stage or rock concert. My favourite sounds flow from a guy called Marius M. Westernhagen; he has that certain Rod Stewart croak in his voice.

When Westernhagen sings, he makes German sound both interesting and amusing to me -- so much so, that if I ever do fully master the language, it will all be down to him.

But sadly, numerous times I find the German language lacking when in comparison to English. In Britain and with our English, we have such an assortment of words that allow several variations of what we want to say -- so often, many words to say the same thing. But in Germany, it all seems so matter-of-fact; it’s far too well organised. It’s as if when first creating the German language, they said..,

“Right, that word means that -- let’s move onto the next item!”

Often, when I ask Rolf to translate an English word into German, he will say, ‘There is no German translation for that, in Germany we would just say this..’ And that’s it.

 Dictionary Words

Also, many German words are the same as we would use in English; butter, glass, Bank, pullover etc. A useful thing when first starting to learn German, but then you have to know which ones are the same and which are not.

So not much help really.

German words, may also sound the same but are often spelt quite different; some have letters added or taken away, and others have the letter C replaced by a K.  An example of those words are, Batterie, Adresse, Privat, Politik -- to name but a few.  There are many German words like that and even more pleasing ones such as, Produktion, Architektur and Programmen, from just a few of their English sounding Wortliste. But before you go rushing over to Germany thinking you’ve got it half cracked -- be warned that very few of these words will sound the same when spoken in English to a German, and most of it will sound a whole lot different to you, once the German has added their guttural tones to it.

And even when you do begin to master a few of the German words; either those that appear a little English or even other words that are most definitely alien German -- the Germans can still trip you up a bit because they also have a sneaky habit of linking them all together to make one big long word -- longer than a Welsh rail-station nameplate!

For example, in German to English: a three room flat; drei would be three, room would be Zimmer and flat would be Wohnung.

So the Germans would put all this together and write:

Dreizimmerwohnung.

Or how about this one...,

Lastschrifteinzugsermachtigung -- I won’t attempt to break that down, but basically it means, a bank direct debit order.

Some of the German words may sound very much like English words, but have different meanings altogether. When I first came out here, as we were driving out from this friendly gasoline station, we came upon a large notice that read:-

‘Haben sie eine gute Fahrt!’

My immediate reaction was to say..,

“Thank you very much.., and I hope you have a good fart too -- but may yours be as big as  Mohammed’s mountains!”

The German notice was merely wishing us a good journey, so remember that before you punch a poor innocent friendly German on the nose.

Many Germans, when speaking in English, speak as I have humorously done many times within the dialogue lines of this book. They will often say, ‘zis’ or ‘zat’ instead of ‘this’ or ‘that’. This is mainly due to it being sometimes difficult for them to pronounce the ‘th’ sounds. One wonders how they would pronounce the word 'rhythm'.

My Rolf however, does not have any problems with this at all, which is probably the main reason why I am not so aware of a German accent at all within him, but when I meet a German out here and they speak to me in English -- those ‘th’ words beginning with a ‘z’ are most definitely very prominent in them.

And although the Germans do have the ‘th’ words in their vocabulary, as in ‘Theater’ (Theatre) or ‘Thema’ (Theme) -- they will put more pronunciation into each of the letters, rather than bring them together as we do in English. For example, if I can explain it in writing -- ‘Theatre’ would sound like -- ‘Tee-Harter’ and ‘Thema’ -- ‘Tee-maa’. The Germans often tend to pronounce all their words, unlike our English where we use many silent letters.

One German woman I know very well, caused me some amusement when she first spoke the English word ‘Dangerous’ to me -- again I don’t know if I can put this over very well in writing, but she used to say, “Danga-rus”.

I have also met many Germans out here in Hamburg, who do tend to speak  very loud and in a kind of obnoxious and over-inflated egocentric manner. We had one such person who lived in a block of flats where we used to live, who was so loud -- I soon nicknamed him ‘Foghorn!’.

My God -- you could hear his voice for miles around and he wasn’t all that old or even of a large size -- if that would have had anything to do with it. But his voice was so deep and loud -- it made the buildings shake whenever he spoke.

And I mean ‘speak’ and not just shout.

Although back then, my German was really limited and it was all just one big noise to me -- I used to think to myself, everybody around here (for blocks around) must know all of that man’s business, because he just did not seem to be able to speak quietly and privately.

In my time out here, I have seen and heard many other Germans like him, who also speak in that same deep and loud way, so I think it must be a bit of a German trait. Maybe it is inherent to only the real ‘Hamburgian’s’ or original ‘Platt Deutsch’ Germans. Perhaps in the early days, when the Dutch kept invading their territory, they use to send them loud folk out on some far away hill as lookouts. As soon as they saw those Dutch ships coming, they’d shout out in their very deep and loud voice --

“Die Dutch kommen!”

 

 The Sounds

I also find the strong guttural German language quite intimidating -- again, just like it is for us English when someone from Glasgow speaks direct and loud to us. It comes over as quite threatening, especially when you haven’t got a clue what they are saying. It can be just the same when listening to a German speak.

I remember when Rolf first brought me over to Hamburg from England.  As we drove off the ferry in our well-loaded van, we came near the port exit and the German Customs. A very smartly black leather jacketed, white-topped peak-capped and pistol carrying German Custom’s Officer, came up and approached my side of the van window; I was only the passenger, it was Rolf who was driving, but for some reason the Customs Officer came up to the side that  would be the German side for the driver -- he hadn’t realised that our van was English and had a right-hand drive.

I wound my window down, on that dark, wet and miserable afternoon -- when suddenly, the German Officer blurted something out to me in full blown and very official German!

I didn’t know what he said at the time, it may have had something to do with, “What’s in the back of our van?” All I can remember was my being frozen solid with sheer shock!  This was the first time I had really heard full blown German -- I  had not even heard Rolf ever speak it like that before.

For some strange reason, I began to panic; maybe I had seen too many old war films. Especially the kind that had escaping POW’s trying to cross Germany and head for the Swiss border, in a dangerous and desperate bid to make a final home-run back to Blighty! 

That film, The Great Escape, suddenly flashed to my mind -- you know, the bit where the English POW Richard Attenborough,  was just about to board the bus. After first speaking to a very inquisitive SS officer, using his excellent German, he put his foot on the first step of the bus -- when the German officer suddenly and cheerfully said to him..,

“Good luck!”

The stupid would-be escapee turned around and replied..,

“Oh, thanks very much old bean -- Toodle-pip!”

Or words to that effect.

I now felt like an escapee POW -- even though I was doing it the wrong way around. I had no answer to give to this German official --

“The games up!” I thought, “What do I do now?”

But just before I decided to make a break for it -- Rolf answered him back, and in full blown German! For the first time since those days when I met him -- it suddenly came back to me -- Rolf was a German! After such a long time in England, over fifteen years or so, Rolf had learned to speak English so well and without any trace of his German accent -- he had in effect, been slowly turned into an Englishman. But now suddenly, he wasn’t -- he was definitely, a full-blown German again!

That in itself, then became a double-shock for me --

“What the hell am I doing with this foreigner?”

 Understanding the Language

You can of course go out and buy plenty of How to Speak German books and audio cassettes

 They are okay if you want to say.., “How do I get to the bank, the post office, or the toilet?” Or even to order a beer or a meal at a restaurant. But for real life, they are absolutely useless and serve no purpose at all if you want to have a chat about the weather, discuss local politics or even talk about last night’s telly.

All of those How-to-Speak book and tapes leave you with the impression that everybody in other lands have nothing to do all day but go wandering about looking for banks and post-offices, or going to the bloody toilet. Apart from when they momentary stop off to have a cold beer, coffee and cake or ask to see the menu so that they can order a meal in a restaurant. But as you know yourself,  life isn’t always that grade-aus as those books would have you believe.

Why doesn’t somebody write a book on ‘How to Worm your Way out of a Parking Ticket’ in Chinese, or Perfect French for Putting your Neighbour in their Place’. Or better still, ‘How to Cuss and Swear down the Phone in Fifteen Languages’ -- ‘This Product I Bought from you Yesterday is a Load of  old Crap!’

What you also have to bare in mind is, although you have may have stood in front of your mirror for hour upon hour, practising to speak fluent German from your handbook -- and you have got it perfect, even down to the correct dialogue -- when you finally come to use it and speak to your first German -- that’s fine, but remember, you have to also understand fully what they are saying back to you. And they, more likely than not, have not been reading the same phrase book as you have!

In the book it describes it as so..,

“Entschuldigen sie.., wo ist die Nächste Bank?"

(Excuse me.., where is the next Bank?)

“Gehen sie dieser Straße grade aus und gehen sie die fünfte Straße rechts rein!"

(Go straight down the street and take the fifth turning on the right!)

That’s how the book would have you believe it, but in reality -- it would be more like the following..,

“Excuse me.., where is the next Bank?”

“Which Bank do you want? I mean, there’s the Bank on the corner of Bridge Street, they’re pretty good -- I go there myself, even though my wife goes to another two miles out from the city centre. There’s also a couple of other Banks down by the harbour and another four or five down by the main city shopping precinct....... I have a brother who....”

 “Entschuldigen sie -- wo ist der Toiletten?”

So you see, those books do not really prepare you at all -- for the reality!

When I first came out here I had a lot of problems in trying to understand or communicate with their language. I had been told, prior to my coming, that quite a few people in Germany spoke the English language. However, at first I found this not to be the case; hardly anybody I met spoke any English at all, and this made me feel quite isolated. Then one day, Rolf came running up to me and said..,

“I have found a language school in the city, where they will give lessons free of charge!”

I said, “That’s fine -- but how are we going to persuade the eighty million Germans to attend it!”

 Americanisms

But since those earlier days, I have discovered that there is a fair amount of English language being spoken out here in Germany; they’ve been teaching English for sometime now in the schools. I also see the English language being used on many occasions with their advertising on television, films or displayed on advertising posters -- but even so, I would still be wrong to call it English, as when I look closer to the spelling, I find it’s, Color and Honor instead of the English, Colour and Honour. So they are all really learning to speak American, and not English at all.

In fact, when I think about it -- there is far more American culture out here than there is English; the Germans appear to think quite highly of America -- and in many cases, I think too much. I find this sad because they have a culture of their own that is good enough to be proud of, but they do like to drive around in big Yankee Style Cherokee Jeeps, and adorn them with lots of American stickers, slogans and imitation state plates. They wear baseball caps on their heads, with the peak of course, on the reverse side. And many will wander around wearing caps and clothes that proudly display the Stars n’ Stripes, or large bold letters that spell out NYC or The Chicago Bears.

There are also plenty of American flags being raised high out here, either flying from their cars, homes and even perched up on top of their wooden summer houses at their allotments. Sometimes, its the Stars and Stripes, and other times, it’s the Yankee Doodle Dandy Southern Reb Flag. Many of the main city drinking venues are modelled on American Style Bars and Harley Davidson’s -- I’ve never seen so many of them about until I came out here. And of course, a lot of Germans do like to dream about, or even go on holiday to the United States.

This much noticed by me, over-love for America, is not just with their teenagers -- where you often see the same idolisation in young British kids -- but in Germany, it is right across the board, with all ages.

Very few Germans I’ve met, have ever visited Britain. Most of them call our country England and not Britain -- even I am known here as an Engländerin (English Woman) and not a British Woman or Britische Frau -- nobody here would ever use that expression, as they clearly see England and Scotland as two separate countries.

And Wales? 

Half of them probably don’t even know it exists. But the Irish, they seem to do very well out here..,  so you see again -- Germany can be many times be, typically American!

A New Town Name

I just love that old American Way-out West kinda drawl that I hear many times on the Jerry Springer television chat show. I could listen to it all day and it just begs to be turned into a comic routine. Which is exactly what I have done:-

Scene: American West -- Town Meeting in Saloon for choosing a new town name.

“Well Lady’s and Gentleman, we’re here to discuss a new name for our town. So far, we have had a few proposals to call our town ‘Turkey Gulch’ -- in pattern with our nixt door neighbour 'Buffalo Gulch’ -- two hundred miles away. Has anybody got any objections?”

“Yeah I find ‘Turkey Gulch’ to be an open invite to just about every redneck within two thousand miles of here. Hell, I don’t want my cousin Jake comin’ ‘ere! I think we should leave out the ‘Gulch’ and put in  ‘Creek’ instead!”

“Turkey Creek’ sounds mighty fine to me -- how about the rest of you folks..?”

“I don’t know if I like ‘Turkey Creek’ all that much -- how ‘bout if we got rid of  ‘Creek” as well -- and put in ‘River’ instead -- cause’n the river aint all that fur from the Creek -- and if that don’t make our town more special -- then I don’t know what does!

(Crowd) “Hallelujah!!!”

“We also don’t live none too fur from the mountains and that has a path that leads right down to us -- so’s we could call our town, ‘Turkey Mountains’ or ‘Turkey Pass’ -- an’ I fur one don’t mind two bits for Goddamn which!”

“Well, we seem to be getting into mighty high debate over what we’re gonna call our town. How about you Luke -- yuu’r always come up with the most inspiring ideas, whatta you reckon --”

“Well sir, ‘Turkey Gulch’, ‘Turkey Creek’, Turkey River’ and  Turkey Pass’ --  they’re all sound like mighty fine names to me -- an’ I don’t wanna be messin’ with you folks none too much. But my Aunt Lilly who lives way over there in England -- she writes an’ done tells me that they don’t have names like that over there.

Why she writes an’ says, that only in America could they dream up such crazy wild names like that! Back over there in England, she says they give them their places real  fancy sophisticated names like, ‘Birming-ham’, ‘Leicester’, ‘Kingston Upon Thames’ and ‘Burnley On The Marsh’.

Hell now! Why can’t we be a little bit more refine like they is and give our town a right posh name like that?”

“Well Luke, we’re all warming to your suggestion -- sounds a ‘perty’ gud idea to me -- what name d’you think we oughta give our town then?”

“Well -- my Aunt Lilly went an’ done gave me a long list of English names, in which I brung to this here meetin’ -- an’ I took the liberty to pick one out that I kinda like --

How about instead of calling our town ‘Turkey Gulch’ or ‘Creek’ -- why don’t we here name it ‘Sycamore Drive!’’

“Luke -- I’m kinda taken to that, an’ all of us in this here town are surely beholden to yuh. So folks., that’s gonna be the name of our new town --

‘Turkey Sycamore Drive’”

Deutsch/English

When Rolf and I go to visit his relatives Maren and Werner, there is hardly any English being spoken; though Maren can speak a little English, most times I have to struggle through with what German I have learnt and mix it in with a bit of English on words that I haven’t. My own invention of English/Deutsch seems to get me through, as long as Rolf is always at my side as a translator.

At first, it was nightmarish; their house was always filled with many family and friends who often came to visit them. As they all chatted and laughed their way along, I used to sit there like a zombie; I felt like I was a kid again, not understanding grown-up talk. This was more painful for me because I am one who just loves to chat and join in. But here, I felt so isolated -- and what with the constant jabber of them and the television in the background blurting out even more incomprehensible German -- my head used to spin around and around until it was just busting.

It was the same when I went out shopping -- I would be standing in a queue and somebody would start talking to me and laughing at what they had said. I would look at them stupid and their smile would disappear, when I sadly had to reply back that I could not understand German. It was the same when the phone rang or somebody knocked at my door -- my lack of the language made me feel too embarrassed to answer the call.

Having a conversation, is something that we all take for granted; it appears that, like with many simple things in life, we just do not seem to realise just how important they are -- that is, not until they are taken away from us.

After too many experiences like that, I just had to escape -- for me, it was like living on the moon! In those early times, my only refuge was a short trip back to England, so I made numerous escapes or home-runs.  On my visits back to England, how I used to enjoy just walking around, going into shop after shop and chatting to all and sundry that I met. They must have thought I was either very friendly, lonely or had just escaped from the local Loony-bin!

But thankfully and to my relief, I have come a long way since those early days; my German is still far from perfect, but slowly I am getting there. Now I have the confidence to speak German or Deutsch/English in the best way I can, without fear or embarrassment. I am beginning to understand and also, be understood. And I am the same with answering the door and telephone -- no longer does it bother me so much.

When I hear them chat, I may not understand it all, but at least I now have a pretty good idea of what they are on about. As for the German shopping queues, I can understand much more of what they say, but even so -- if I don’t and I see them laugh, then I just laugh back to them, as if to give an impression that I fully understand and agree.

Body language is often the key -- and that dialogue is always International.

The Numbers Game

Prior to first coming to Germany, I did often frequent my local library back in Bournemouth, in order to quickly brief myself up on a few German basic words. Back then, I considered that to be the best way to begin. Provided I could say “Hello” and “Goodbye”, “How much does that cost and where the hell is the toilet?” -- I would be pretty well integrated and all the rest would be mere politics.

Yet, I never once considered the number’s game.

Oh I had learnt the old ‘ein zwei drei’, and from zero right up into the eine million’s. I felt pretty cool about that. But what I hadn’t taken in consideration was that the Germans read them off a lot different to us; as in most of their language -- the say it all arse about face, or in ‘reverse order’ to how we would say it in English.

This has often given me so much difficulty when trying to learn the German language fluently. Many times, I will say something to Rolf in German; from putting together all the words I know, and then he would come back to me with it all -- but with the same words in a far different order of sequence to how I had first uttered them. This always frustrates me, but Rolf tries to maintain my enthusiasm by assuring me that I would be fully understood if I did say it in the way I first did. To them, I would just sound like a foreigner trying to learn to speak German.

Can’t say fairer than that!

Well, the Germans do exactly the same with their numbers. Instead of saying ‘twenty seven’, they will say, ‘seven and twenty’ or ‘sieben und zwanzig’. This is quite easy to take on board when learning the German numbers, just as I did when learning the times-table during my schooldays. But when one has to put it into real-time -- like being at the cash till up at the local Supermarket. Halfway through hurriedly packing up my purchased products, the cashier would suddenly blurt out --

“Das kostet zwei und achzig mark, fünf und vierzig!”

It was just a noise to me and my brain ceased to function out of protest.

Maths has always been my most hated subject; I just can’t be doing with numbers. When I was at school, right from an early age, I could not handle maths at all. Had my problems been with reading or writing, I know for sure I would have had some help because reading and writing has always been considered a great social handicap. No matter what age one is, society, in most civilised countries, will always offer free help and sympathetic guidance to anybody who is unable to read and write. But nobody gives a damn for poor sods like me who just cannot handle numbers.

The most hated maths I had to painfully endure, was often called ‘problem solving’. Now normally, I have a pretty good logical mind when it comes to sorting out practical  problems. Hell, I even once took out a book from a library just to learn how I could fit in and wire-up a two-way dimmer switch for the lights in my hallway. And I am still alive today to tell you that in the end it all worked out just fine.

That task involved all sorts of complicated and various colours of wiring that had me going back n’ forth doing one job, then running over to do the same again at the other end. It took a whole lot of planning out and making diagrams. I handled that process without any problem whatsoever, simply because none of it involved any of those blasted numbers. Yet when it comes to mathematical problem solving -- you know the kind I am talking about..,

‘If a man buys six percent of apples on a Monday, fourteen per cent of banana's the day before, twenty six percent more than the apples and thirteen percent less of the banana's for the rest of the days of the week -- apart from Sunday when he likes to eat pears. Then does the same every third week for twenty years, but doubles up every second leap year and only two thirds on public holidays, not including his birthday, when he fills up two thirds of a bath with twenty half buckets of water..,’

That’s it!

By then -- my brain is dancing around doing a jig with the fairies!

It used to take me ages to first work out the question, and when I had done that, I carefully broke it down in my mind, what order of sequence I had to try and work out the maths, in order to slowly come to planning out or totalling up my answer. I used to begin very carefully with the working out, each time jotting down the totalled figures with the  short blunt end; opposite to the worn out rubberised end, of my stumpy pencil --

‘That’s 256 plus 16, multiplied by 32 -- then add 7 because there are seven days a week, take away the Sunday and add the half buckets of water.., divided by the leap years..,’

Then suddenly -- just when I think I am doing so well, I simply forget the reason why I am figuring out what I am doing right now; I have the so many numbers flying around in my head and jotted down on several scrawny pieces of paper in front of me -- but I just cannot remember why!

I tell you, it used to be a pure nightmare for me. Out of one hundred questions, I only got one mark for spelling my name right at the top of the paper!

I was  punished so much for my ignorance, I wore out that bloody schoolroom corner.

So here I was again -- a full grown adult still being faced with the same mental anguish by some young cashier in a far-off land.

“Das kostet zwei und achzig mark, fünf und vierzig!”

“Let me see., there’s a two and an eighty in there.., reverse it around.., and that makes it twenty eight -- no, no! Eighty two!”

“The next part, has a four and -- was that a forty or was it a fourteen?” 

“It had a ‘zig’ at the end, so it must have been an forty.., so what did I say before?”

“Eighty two and forty five --

Eighty two and forty five what’s?”

“Do I have to reverse them again, or must I take away the first number I thought of?”

“And what happened to my half buckets of water?”

It all gone -- jumbled up and mixed around in my head and everybody is just standing around looking at me as if they know for sure that I am stupid. At that point, I usually just want to scream out loud and run miles from the store.

I don’t even care about food anymore!

I can well remember those first weeks I came out to Germany. On my way to the Supermarket, I used to read off the number plates on the cars that were parked along the kerbside. I used to break it up in my mind as if it was a totalled till cash bill. HH - 2679, would be twenty six marks, seventy nine Pfennig. So I would stride it out in my mind, “Das kostet sechs und zwanzig mark, neun und siebzig!” A good fifteen to twenty minutes walk to my supermarket, would have me reeling off cash tills prices; one after another like nobody’s business. But as soon as I became face to face with the till cashier again --

“Das kostet fünf und dreizig mark, drei und fünfzig!”

“Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!”

Of course, in between writing this book, Germany, like most of Europe, has now moved over to a Euro coinage, but that has in no way has changed any of the rules I have been writing about; everything still remains the dreaded same, apart from replacing ‘marks’ with Euro’s and Pfennig with cents.

Nevertheless, please don’t allow any of my painful experiences to frighten you, should you be considering a trip to Germany. I soon discovered a most masterful way to get around this problem -- and for all times and at all stores. You can just ignore every noise that lunges out from the cashiers mouth, simply by hooking you head around to see what’s lit up on their cash till. It works everytime for me. You see, I told you I could logically get around a problem when it comes to being practical. Other than that, my tip would be to just give them the largest note you have on your person, and just hope; nay pray, for the best.

But then, the numbers game doesn’t stop there..,

They play the same trick when they give me the time of day.

And they don’t just reverse the numbers again by making ‘two-twenty two’ into ‘two and twenty minutes past two’ -- they go one step further by turning ‘half-past nine’ into ‘half an hour before ten!’

I have lost count of the times they have done this to me. I ask, what time does this shop open in the morning, or what time should I arrive for my dentist appointment?

“Halb zehn!”

So I arrive at half-past ten, when I should have been there an hour before it, at half past nine -- or, thirty minutes before ten, as ‘halb zehn’ means in German.

When it comes to the German numbers game, sometimes, I don’t know whether I am coming or going. So just like when I read off cash till prices, I also look out for town and city clocks when I need to know what time of day it is, or get the receptionists to write down times of appointments for me.

As my Mother always told me, ‘Where there’s a will, there’s a way’ But then, she also said, ‘You’ll never be lost as long as you have a tongue in your head’

What she forgot to mention was I’d need a more than clever brain -- wired up to a decent pair of large sized ears to go with it!