Bloody Germans

The Autobahn

Now we come to Germany’s greatest myth -- the Autobahn.

Many people throughout the world have all heard and spoke about Germany’s famous Autobahn -- they see and imagine it to be an amazing stretch of road where German drivers, in their souped-up Mercedes Benz, Porsche’s and B.M.W.,'s, can zoom off, at almost the speed of takeoff. It’s the one place in the world where if you have a car or motorbike, and the makers claim it will do two-hundred and ninety miles an hour plus -- the German Autobahn is the place where you can find out if its true!

But it’s a myth -- it’s all a myth!

The only thing that you can be sure of with Germany’s Autobahn, is that for most of the time, it will be filled-up with lots of Germans.., and if you have been taking in carefully all that I have said before on this subject, you will understand that German, Auto and Schnell, go hand in hand; they are all inseparable! 

So it matters not where the average German is driving, be it through the city streets, or on the Autobahn -- they will always drive as fast as they can; not even the heavy cost of petrol consumption would slow up an average German driver -- their standard motto seems to be --

“If you got it -- then use it!” 

But there appears to be an awful lot of world-wide confusion -- many people ask..,

“Are there any speed limits on the German Autobahns?”

Some information sources will tell you that contrary to popular belief, there are speed limits on about 85  percent of Germany’s Autobahns. Another will say that there are  no speed limits enforced on around 40 per cent of the motorway. Ask any German, and they will quickly tell you that there are no speed limits at all on any of their motorways!

Confused?

Well I have already explained the German’s answer to it all -- to them, there’s no speed limit anywhere on the planet!

But for the other two contradictions, the truth that I can gather is that on Germany’s Autobahn motorways, they have what they call, recommended speed limits -- they kinda think it might be a good idea if you were to slow down from say, 120 miles per hour to perhaps 50, whilst negotiating the busy stretch of road works, on the wet tight bend up ahead -- they suggest that you just might live a bit longer if you follow their excellent advice!

Recommended speed limits, or Tempolimits as they are called, are generally what the government thinks your speed should not exceed; most of these signs, that are normally 130 kilometres or 80 miles per hour, are completely ignored by the average Porsche, BMW or similar status German driver; the Nicki Lauder’s of them all are the German taxi drivers.

But then, the word recommend seems to suggest that they don’t want to rock the boat too much and upset too many speed-loving voters -- did I say voters?  I meant, drivers.

But these half-hearted rules that are in place, do not free the German motorist’s conscience entirely; though they might feel comfortable or confident enough to break the recommended speed limit -- if they are involved in an accident while they do so -- then all the bricks will come tumbling down on them for the blame. They could end up having to foot the bill for all of the damage costs, even if the accident wasn’t their fault.

So it’s a bit like saying..,

“Go as fast as you like mate, but if you have a prang -- we’ll take you to the cleaners!”

But strangely enough, despite all I have said about the German drivers and their general attitude towards high speed -- Autobahn road deaths are quite low; they account for only ten percent of all Germany's traffic fatalities. But when they do have a prang on the motorway, they don’t do it by halves; I have heard that a thirty to fifty car pile-up happens so frequently on the Autobahn -- it don’t even make the afternoon news. It is also said that the Germans are great rubber-neckers; they just love to have a gawp at what’s going on -- so if thirty nose-upon-tail vehicles all pile into the back of each other, whilst doing ninety to hundred miles an hour down the south side of a motorway -- the cars coming up from the north side, will follow suit; they have been so busy looking at the pile-up on the south side, they don’t notice the line in front of them has slowed down a little -- and so they all pile into the back of each other!

But sometimes, speed limits on the Autobahn do have to be enforced; they can range from 90 to 120 kilometres per hour (70-75 mph), along what they now consider, are really -- we’re not fooling around this time -- dangerous spots; tight curved sections, areas where the traffic is heavy, passing through more urban areas or when the roads are very wet. Road construction can also bring an enforced limit down to as low as 60 kilometres, or 35 miles per hour.

On the other side of this coin, any vehicle that is not physically capable of travelling at least 60 kilometres per hour, will be restricted from using the Autobahn.

So at least it’s one place you can escape those backpacking, knee-padded bloody roller-boot skaters!

Some sections of the Autobahn will have electronic speed board signs; they will immediately advise on the forever changing speed limits, due to severe weather conditions, traffic accidents or hold-ups ahead. The normal speed limit signs are red-ringed circles containing the speed limit number inside. When there are no signs about -- then you can smile and consider that it is probably safe for you to say that there are no speed limits about, at all.

There is one other, complicated road sign; it’s a circle containing a black slash over a white background. This is a good sign.., it basically tells you --

“Whatever I told you before -- forget it -- you’re in Happyville now!”

It’s time for you to put on your smile again.

All of the other Autobahn road signs are international, so they are quite easy to comprehend.

So I hope, that so far I have helped a little to explain this German myth to you -- there are indeed many stretches of Autobahn where you can test out your two hundred and ninety mile and hour Ferrari -- there are even other places where the German Government recommend  that you shouldn’t. Further to this, there are spots where, if you did,  you could help create interesting new exits on Autobahn bends, or test out the sturdiness of motorway construction boards. And of course, there are more areas still, where the only experience you’d gain from travelling at breakneck-speed -- would be to get to hear what a German police car siren sounds like.

So in summation, I could say that the Germans have in total, two kinds of speed limit; one that is mandatory -- and the other.., MAD’atory!

The good news is, it is very rare to see a speed-trap on the German Autobahn,  so you have no need to worry about this -- however, be extraordinarily wary, the Autobahnpolizei are always close at hand should they ever need you!

The bad news.., they have plenty of speed cameras operating throughout Germany -- and not just on the Autobahn either. When they first introduced them, they caused many problems; the police sent photos out to motorist showing and proving that they were at the wheel breaking the mandatory speed limit -- the photo-snaps depicted both the time, date and speed at which the motorist was travelling. Attached to them, would be the full price of how much it will now cost them -- to have had so much fun.

 To the average German motorist, its all power for the cause -- something to frame and put up on the wall of their summer garden hut; a conversation piece during those long bier and sausage summer parties. But for other poor unsuspecting Germans -- unsuspecting because they didn’t know they’d been caught on camera.., they will now have some explaining away to do to their partners and spouses..,

“Who the hell is that sitting next to you in the passenger seat!”

The local police quickly realised that they could be in danger of raising the divorce statistics, so nowadays, they just send out summonses to the traffic violators to report immediately to the police station --

“Dear Sir/Madam.., You photographs are now ready, please come to collect -- or else!”

But the myth about speed on the German Autobahn, doesn’t end here..,

Even if you did find a nice stretch of straight motorway, that had no speed limit signs displayed at all, there is still one other thing that will prevent you from going flat out -- all of the other cars that are up front!

Despite all the grandness of the German motorways, most of its vast routes contain only two lanes; they are two up, two down. There are areas where they might stretch to three, but very rarely to four. This means that they can easily become severely congested; such times as, a Friday afternoon, bank holidays, morning and evening rush hour, roadwork's, accidents, junction intersections, being behind slow moving, oversized, police escorted, heavy vehicle transport -- the list goes on.., your dream no-speed limit Autobahn, can fast turn into nothing more than an oversized car-park.

Once we travelled to the seaside; en-route, we drove along a country back-road -- it took us about an hour and a half to reach our destination. It was a nice steady run with no traffic problems at all. Coming back, we decided to use the Autobahn. It was okay for the first couple of miles, but as the traffic began to build up -- everything started to slow down. We finished up inching our way forward at a snails-pace for miles and miles. After about an hour of this, we decided to come off and get back on the more comfortable -- and much faster, back-road route.

This is often the reality of the Autobahn.

You see.., it’s a myth -- I told you it was all a myth!

In English money, the German Autobahn today stands at around 6, 800 miles, and is considered to be the world’s largest Superhighway system, behind the United States.

Of course, Britain also has it’s own motorway. The main differences between the two, are in the speed limits and the lane structure..,

Most of Britain's motorways have three lanes, plus a hard shoulder running alongside for emergency use. There is no minimum speed limit, but three wheel vehicles, engines under 50 cc and learner drivers, are forbidden to travel on the motorway.

Britain is similar to Germany, in that you are only allowed to overtake on the one side; due to the opposite side of the road each country drives on, it is to the right in UK, and in Germany, to the left-hand side. Unlike the USA, it is considered in both Germany and UK, that the inside lane is the normal motorway route -- all other lanes are for the purpose of overtaking alone.

Though I might add, in both countries, this idea has yet to sink in, most drivers see the inside lane like the shallow end of a swimming pool; apart from being just a short takeoff area to join the motorway, pick up speed and participate in the mad race -- many believe, its  main purpose is for slow tired-out lorries, Edinburgh or Bust cars, and lame drivers who haven’t got the substance to overtake.

In Britain, where there is mostly a centre lane, it has become quite fashionable for many drivers to mutter to themselves..,

“I just want a nice quiet run.., not too slow -- but definitely not too fast! I had better keep out of the slow-lane (inside lane) or I might get trapped for miles behind a battered exhaust-fumed smelly lorry, or an old tired-out three-wheeler car towing a mobile home -- if I go into the fast lane (third or outer overtaking lane), I will get lots of hassle from the flashing lights of those maniac tourists drivers -- on holiday from Germany -- so I had better stick in the neither-nor centre lane, for the whole of my three-hundred and fifty mile journey!”

And that is what they do -- all the blimmin’ way!

It doesn’t matter if its two o’clock in the morning, with not a hint of any other car glimmering on the horizon -- these people will hog-up the middle lane all the way from Land’s End to John O’ Groats. Like ex-train drivers, still thinking they are on the rail-track, no amount of education, blowing of horns, or flashing of lights will budge them one iota from that spot -- as far as they are concerned -- the middle lane was designed specifically for them, and their annual road tax fully empowers them to use all of it, and all of the bloody time!

These people are a pain in the backside because they slow everything up; lorries and busses, who are not permitted to use the third overtaking lane, suddenly have to brake hard behind some selfish flat-capped, red necked, obstinate driver, doing about four miles a fortnight in the centre lane -- and without a care in the world.

At busy periods, when there are far more flat-capped drivers about --  joined now by a harvest of blue-rinsed, purple-specked compilation from the Antichrist Drivers Guild -- those who wish to travel a little faster than forty-nine miles per hour, now have to move into the outer lane to get passed the funeral parade in the middle lane -- this causes the final overtaking lane to be filled up with drivers doing a lot less than the legal 70 miles per hour -- and woe betide anybody coming up from behind doing a forsaken or blessed ninety!

The third overtaking lane, is seen by many as the fast-lane -- that means, if they want to go fast -- then, like the middle-lane road-hogs -- they will stay in that lane all day. When somebody comes up from behind, with their own interpretation of what fast really is -- that then will cause aggravation and behind the wheel road-rage will rapidly ensue..,

“I’m doing the legal speed limit, as laid down by the ministries of transport, of seventy miles per hour -- I tell a lie.., I am doing 71 and a half miles an hour -- I’d better hit the brakes and slow up! You’re not getting passed me because if you do -- then you must be breaking the law -- and that’s not allowed.., it’s against the law...!”

And so there you have it -- the motorway is choc-a-bloc with nobody really driving at any great speed, or driving free n’ easy as in all of the petrol and car advertisements.

The speed limit on Britain's motorway is 70 miles per hour. They too have suggested speed limits on overhead automatic boards, when serious driving conditions prevail. They will also have 50 miles per hours speed limits through road construction areas. But there is nothing recommended  or suggested, when it comes to the top motorway speed of 70 miles per hour, or 50 through roadwork sections -- in Britain, its the law and you will get nabbed by the police, some in unmarked cars, if you dare break it.

Back in 1958, when the first section of motorway in the UK was opened, there was no national speed limit placed on them at all. In fact, at that time -- there was no speed limit on any road outside built-up areas. Many of the cars, back in those days, couldn’t even make it to 70 miles per hour -- let alone cruise at that speed; speedometer dials may have gone up to 80 mph, or even more -- but that was only for show; to impress your mates. Most people thought your ribs would cave in and your head would blow up, if you went one digit past fifty!

As time went on, although car engine-power improved slightly, due to less-developed lubricants and road tyres, numerous cars still failed in other ways when driving at high speeds -- even central reservation road safety barriers had not been introduced; cars that suffered tyre failure, often skidded over to the opposite side of the motorway with disastrous effects. During those early days, motorway hazard warning signs were not in existence either and alas, the accident rate was fast beginning to climb.

British motorways were swiftly becoming considered as a very dangerous place to be.

So in December 1965, the government of the day, introduced a four-month experiment of a mandatory maximum speed limit of 70 miles per hour on all British motorways.

That four month experiment has been going on for the past thirty seven years!

At the same time, the government also brought in an advisory speed limit of 30 miles per hour during periods of poor visibility; by now, they had additionally introduced amber flashing warning lights on motorways, that were controlled by the Police.

Today, there is a call from many drivers and other organisations to raise Britain's motorway speed limit to at least 80 miles per hour. They all offer umpteen good reasons for doing so, including the all-round improvement on vehicle and motorway safety since 1965, when the 70 miles and hour speed limit was first introduced -- and they even go as far as to say that a 70 miles per hour speed restriction, causes more accidents through traffic build-up, tailback lane-queuing and road congestion..,

But the British Government -- no matter what party is in power, tend to have a bad habit of being a bit too slow, or frightened to change a law once it has been set in rock-solid concrete!

Mind Over Matter

I have always been intrigued by our human behaviour, especially in the nature of our driving habits, and many of these traits are within us all internationally.

I find it so strange how most of us lose all sense of proportion when dodging around other road users. We appear to relate our ‘physique’ from the vehicle in which we or others are manipulating.

A small man in a large motorcar will feel far superior when carving-up another on an old rusty moped. He will not consider the size of strength of his victim -- only the weakness of his transport. Should this man park and vacate his car and be suddenly met by the now ‘de-helmeted’ and enraged moped rider, who I might add, not only stands taller but is considerably wider than our ‘car-less’ wimp -- circumstances will have drastically changed as if they are unrelated enough to cause some immediate shock. This of course extends very rapidly to some unconsciousness and perhaps sudden hospitalisation.

I wonder how a driver of a large articulated lorry, or double decker bus feels when he clocks out and clambers into his little energy saving module. I can see him squashed in the central lane at the busy traffic lights, dwarfed by lorries, coaches and even district nurses on bicycles. He’ll hide behind the swinging mouse that dangles from his rear view mirror, feeling downgraded and demoralised from the lump he’s just noisily parked and left to cool in his firm’s compound.

To me, a lorry or bus driver doesn’t just act as if he owns the road, as I’ve often heard people say -- I think he really believes that he does!  Not only does he drive a larger vehicle than most, added to this is the fact that he also drives for a living -- he is a ‘Professional Driver’. The rest of us are just five minute day trippers, out to blow the cobwebs from our exhaust pipes.

Taxi drivers also fit well into this category. Those London cabs even outrank the ordinary taxi’s -- they are higher than a car, posher than a bus and stand out with the heavies because they tick over noisily in pure diesel.

We also have another contestant in this race of mobile superiority -- the multicoloured day-glowed, ‘I’m a Despatch Rider!’ As he swoops and zigzags through physical impracticalities -- and he gets paid to be an idiot! 

From the old days of the ‘British Post Office Telegram Boys’ on their little red two-stroke motorcycles; who’s prowess was only measured by the remaining size of their worn-out foot-stand, and the amount of emitting sparks they could display whilst leaning over to manoeuvre a corner, we appear to have not moved at all. Instead, we have merely fashioned our peculiarity within the scope of modern technology.

Considering all this, it’s no wonder that today we often have the ensuing battle between motorist and cyclist. To the motorist, the modern day cyclist has become all things -- he not only sits taller, he is also brightly coloured from head to toe -- and he can zigzags through queuing traffic, then jump red lights and ride on the footpath. The modern day cyclist  enjoys the full freedom from costly duties in road taxes, petrol consumption and all the other hurdles that continually slow the motorist down. And when the cyclists reaches his destination -- often long before the frustrated road-raged city motorist  -- he can shout from his saddle that he has done it all 'environmentally friendly’. The modern day bicycle and the rider’s garb, are now seen as just one thing -- another target!

So consider, the next time you are out and about, regard the next situation in terms of people and not the machines in which they occupy. This would invariably become a whole lot easier if all vehicles were to suddenly become invisible, leaving only people moving around at speed. I somehow feel we would then all see it different and become far more friendlier, safer and contented travellers.

But then, it wouldn’t last long -- somebody, somewhere would soon come down the road and overtake us, wearing a considerably larger hat!