Bloody Germans

Driving in Germany

Of course, the most obvious difference on the German roads, to that of Britain’s, is that in Germany -- they all drive on the wrong side!

A British car is a right-hand drive and their cars drive on the correct left-hand side of the road -- which is right...., however, the Germans, for some strange reason, chose to have it all the other way around.

Typical! -- or Typisch, as they would say.

How could they have got it so wrong?

But I suppose, in all fairness, it’s far too late for them to change now..,

I have only driven a few short distances on the German roads and I just cannot get used to driving on the right-hand side of the road. I’m okay once I am established and trundling up a long main highway -- but as soon as I arrive at a busy set of traffic lights, which there are many, and I have to make some strange, back-on-myself, half U-turn to the left, then right of me -- I am all over the place; my brain doesn’t know whether I should go on the left or right hand side of the road -- sometimes I wish I could just fly right over the top of them!

In the end, I get into such a panic -- I lose track of what or where my left and right is!

So now, I leave all the driving in Germany to my guy Rolf. If I ever have to travel alone by ferry to England, and I want to take a car -- I get him to drive me to the ferry terminal, and once safely inside my little bit of England, I take over the wheel.

We follow the same procedure on my return.

Another reason I don’t like to drive in Germany, is due to the ecstatic fast pace and a very concerning bad habit that many Germans appear to have added to their already maniacal driving skills -- they tend to drive up far too close to the car in front of them.

I have mentioned some of this in more detail in another chapter -- but on the whole, I find German driving far too erratic for me to comfortably enjoy. And I don’t think that the Germans enjoy it themselves; I don’t even  think that they believe driving is meant to be a thing of pleasure for them to enjoy -- a car is just a nice shiny powerful lump of metal that can get them from A to B in the shortest possible time, with maybe.., the odd chance or two, that someone else might get in their way and slow them down a bit -- but kein problem, they just need to hit ‘em a couple of times ‘till they move out of the way!

I mean, I’m no pussycat when it comes to driving; I like to put the old foot down and screech merrily around tight corners. And I have had plenty of experience driving in and around Britain -- I have driven almost the whole length, breadth and width of England -- through villages, towns and city roads -- on duel-carriageways and busy motorways. I have even learned the skill of driving through the busy hectic streets within the City of London -- with only once, having the immediate urge to dump my car in the middle of Piccadilly Circus, and catch the train home!

I’ve done all this and have that much driving experience -- but still, the German roads frighten me to death!

But there is a very logical reason for all this --  in England, although I don’t mind, once in a while, shooting down the inside lane of a early morning motorway, at twenty or thirty miles above the legal speed limit.., or zipping up a wide town road just a tad over the thirty or forty miles per hour restriction -- but  I always choose my mad moments when I consider it safe to do so; I would never drive crazy through a busy or heavily congested road, or even one that contains many hazards like road works, shopping pedestrians or children -- the Be Careful list goes on and on in my mind in all the time; I choose my speeding moments with great care. But the way the Germans drive out here, sometimes I wonder if I am in old Japan and surrounded by Kamikaze-trained motorists.  On all roads, apart from the restricted residential areas; where German drivers do religiously adhere to the rules, it’s every man, woman and Crash-kid out for themselves.

A German Crash-kid is what we in Britain would call, a Boy-racer; a teenager who thinks he knows it all on the roads -- even though the ink from the signature on his driving licence is still wet! 

Mind you, in saying this, when I think about it -- how does one tell the difference between a Crash-kid and a ordinary German driver? 

The age and the haircut I guess!

One time, I thought I could get around the problem of being harassed by German drivers whilst driving out and about -- simply by attaching a few English stickers onto the rear of my car.., then I could just trundle up the road like a tourist -- the Germans, upon racing up towards the rear of  my car, would see my stickers and think..,

“Bloody English Tourist!  I had besser be a bit more careful -- last time I vas following up close behind eine English Auto -- I found myself driving on zer wrong side of zer road!”

If, when they come up close to the rear of my car, they could see quite clearly that I am not just another German motorist, driving with their same mentality -- but only a mere simple British visitor to their fine and Vunderbar land -- they might allow me more sympathy and not see me as another German -- and fair game.

“It could work!” I thought!

So on my next trip back to England, I went to my home seaside town and bought many Touristy car stickers that were all clearly identifiable as English car stickers!

Though, I have to admit, I think I overdone it a bit..,

I stuck Union (Jack) flags on both sides of the rear of the car, and the same on each front and back wing, above the wheels -- and another larger Union flag right in the centre of the front bonnet.  I was even considering hiring a street graffiti artist to paint a big Union Jack covering the whole roof of my car -- well these Germans come at you from all angles, don’t you know?

I then plastered on a couple more flag stickers, depicting the red cross of St George of England, onto the left and right side of my bumper -- and in the rear window, I had other stickers that clearly stated in large print, that this car and the person driving it -- is most definitely, from England!

I then returned by ferry, back to Germany.

When I arrived back in Hamburg, I did not feel quite ready to test out my theory; I first needed fodder and good rest. So I decided that I would still let Rolf take over the wheel and drive back home, as we have always done.

As I drove through the customs exit and out of the ferry terminal -- Rolf was so pleased to see me -- I have never seen his eyes and mouth so wide open!

“What the bloody hell have you done to your car?” He said to me, greeting’ly.

“Why have you put on all these bloody stickers up all over the place?”

“Ah.., yes..,” I was so eager to explain.., “You’ve noticed them then.., I have this plan that might make me feel more comfortable and at ease to assist my driving in Germany!”

I then explained to Rolf, my cleverly thought-out theory in great detail..,

“But you do not need all those stickers just to tell them you are an English driver -- you are driving a bloody English car!  They can all see that you are English just by looking at your number plate!”

“But I haven’t put any stickers on my number plate!”

“A German number plate begins with the letters of where the car driver comes from and where the car is registered -- in Hamburg, it is HH for Hamburg Hansestadt.., then you get more letters and numbers following it -- not only that -- a German rear number plate is beige and has two special small circular stamps in between the registration numbers, to say that it is legally registered and passed a full vehicle test examination -- an English car has none of this and is a completely different rear number plate -- it is yellow for a start! The numbers and letters are so different with no official German government stamps attached to it at all -- there’s no way that anybody could mistake your car for a German car!”

“But they might think I am Polish.., and who knows what is going on between them both on the roads -- maybe there is some strong long ongoing driving rivalry occurring between the Germans and the Polish that I don’t know about -- I could be walking right into a trap!”

 Mind you, I could have stuck a Polish flag underneath my car -- so if I did happen to run over a German, he would just look up from the ground, see the Polish sticker and utter.., ‘Uhhhggg.., Bloody Poles!’

“They won’t think you’re Polish -- their number plate is different altogether. Their number plate has white numbers and letters with a black background!”

“Well, British number plates used to be like that before the nineteen-sixties -- they might think I am a Polish person driving a new English car! -- By the way.., can you drive us back home?”

“What with all these stupid bloody English stickers on -- you must be mad!”

“But it will be a good chance for me to test out my theory and see how other German drivers react to you when you drive!”

“They will think I am a bloody English football hooligan and carve me up!”

He’s always coming out with lame excuses, is my Rolf.., but in the end, I managed to persuade him to drive my car back home, and test out my theory.

But in my eagerness, I forgot one important factor..,

Rolf being German -- he also drives like one!

So on the way back home, Rolf carved up so many other German drivers, blew his horn at them and shouted Mensch through his open window -- when we got home I said to him..,

“Now all the Germans will be looking out for my car -- the one with the many English stickers.., they’ll be saying.., Zere ist das bloody English Auto again -- the Scheiße Mensch carved me up last time and swore at me..., I think I had better remove all my stickers -- I don’t want them recognising me that easy!”

Another good idea of mine that sadly bit the dust!

Driving Tests

I took my driving test back in 1976. It wasn’t too difficult, despite having to take it twice before I finally passed. The reason I failed the first time, is because a friend of mine taught me how to drive. My friend had a full driving licence and so was able to accompany me during the private lessons; providing I had a provisional driving licence and a large red L plate (Learner) attached to the front and rear of my car, this was a perfectly legal thing to do. But although my friend may have taught me well, the one thing I soon learnt from failing my first driving test was that -- one does not need to learn how to drive -- not at first, they can do that after passing a driving test., but one does need to learn how to pass a driving test!

They are but two completely separate things.

My lack of proper pass-a-test instruction, meant I didn’t even really understand the reasons why I failed my test the first time.

So for my next test, I had a couple of lessons from a proper Driving School Instructor -- and I passed easily.

The reason I have mentioned this is because in Germany, as a learner driver, I would have never been allowed to drive a car with anybody else, but a fully qualified Driving Instructor, from an official Driving School, or Fahrschule. In Britain, it is okay to stick up a couple of L plates and get your parents or friends to sit next to you in the passenger seat -- then drive off anywhere, except on a motorway, that you choose.

For a German, a drivers licence can cost in total, around 3,000 Deutschmarks (a thousand pounds Stirling). They must endure a minimum of 25 to 45 hours of professional instruction, plus they have to sit for 12 hours of theory. A motor cycle licence can cost at least 1700 Deutschmarks, and in Germany, the legal age to drive is 18 years.

In Britain, 17 is the permitted age to begin driving.

In UK, a driving test is held during normal office hours; it is the same with driving school instruction -- so there is never any testing on night-time driving. Learners are not allowed on British Motorways, so they are never taught nor tested for that either. In fact, it is not even necessary for a learner to be tested on a 70 mph dual-carriageways in Britain. Both driving tests that I took were in and around thirty mile an hour zones, in busy town centres and up quiet side-streets, and all during the early part of a sunny dry weekday morning.

Not as easy for the German student..,

A German Fahrschule car is always fitted with dual controls, so that an instructor can take over if the student gets into serious difficulties. The driving student must have training time on the autobahn, city and urban roads, as well as in and around residential streets. This will also include, night driving and a multitude of other driving situations. And along with all the other rules of the road,  a student must also learn about the mechanical aspects of an automobile.

But despite all this extra effort, the one good thing about a German driving licence, as opposed to a British, is that once they have obtained it -- it is for life; they do not have to take the test again. Britain has rules that ensures a driving re-test around the age of seventy, or earlier still, if somebody is considered to be in need of a  re-test for health reasons, especially with their eyesight.

A few years back, an EU or European Driving Licence was introduced and all licence holders within Europe applied for that new document. This meant, that I could drive on German roads with my British, but now -- European License. This was of course allowed before for tourists travelling around Europe, but now -- for people who wish to take up residence in another European country -- they can drive up to one year on that road but after that, they must apply for the full licence for that particular country -- without having the need to take a local driving test.

This new ruling gave many Germans a good opportunity to go to Britain for a few weeks and take a far more simpler and a lot less costly driving test -- and then return back home to Germany, and exchange it for a full German driving licence.

They can still do this today, but Britain has tightened up a bit on its driving test rules by introducing theory tests into their programme -- but it is still a lot cheaper and easier to pass a driving test in Britain, than it is in Germany. So I feel sure that many Germans are still seeking this quick and easy route -- and who can blame them?

Driving Laws

Both Germany and Britain, share the same mandatory driving rules and penalties for offences such as, drink driving.  In both countries, one can encumber heavy fines, long driving bans and even being forced to take a re-test for committing this offence. They also share the same seat-belt rules; all occupants in a car, front and rear -- must wear a seat-belt or suffer the consequences of a fine.

However, in Germany there are a few extra laws that are not applicable in the United Kingdom.., a child under the age of 13 years, is not allowed to sit in the front seat of a car that has rear seating, and all cars must  carry a first aid kit and an emergency breakdown warning triangle.

Both Britain and Germany have regular vehicle tests for cars that are over a certain age.  In Britain, a car over three years old, must be tested once a year by an official MOT (Ministry of Transport) tester and after passing such, an MOT certificate is produced to the owner. A driver can then be asked to produce this document to a police officer, along with a driving licence and motor insurance, if stopped for a traffic offence.

In Germany, their official test, Technische Überwachungsverein -- or more commonly known as a TÜV., (pron; Toof), is carried out every two years on a car bought from new. A German test is far stricter than the British MOT,  not just on body structure alone, but also on excess exhaust emissions or leaking oil from sumps, or anywhere else for that matter.

Exhaust fumes are taken seriously in Germany, they even have special testing emission stations known as AU, set up away from the normal TÜV test centres, and issue a separate test certificate when the vehicle has been tested and passed.  This stiff TÜV and AU vehicle test, might also explain why there are so few old banger cars on Germany’s roads, than there are in Great Britain; vehicles have been known to fail a test for little bits of rust or dents, near considered critical areas.

Another big difference between Britain and Germany’s vehicle testing centres, is that in Britain, many garages or vehicle repair workshops are also able to perform official MOT vehicle testing, along with their other business of car repairs, car sales, selling petrol -- or all three. They have employed qualified MOT mechanics to do the job.  In Germany, a  TÜV and AU vehicle testing centre, is set up for that one particular purpose alone.

I think that the German system is fairer on the British motorist; many times in Britain, once does not know whether to believe a garage mechanic or not. When they fail your car on an MOT test -- and then give you a long list of faults of car repairs that need to be done in order to pass the test, you feel at the mercy of the garage to put your car put right at any price -- for that well-planned summer trip, or even just to be able to drive to work on the following Monday. Even if you believe that the garage mechanic is not being honest with you and is just touting for more business -- you still shrug your shoulders; you can’t prove it and you need that MOT pass certificate so much. It is a kind of ungoverned blackmail that you are so often forced to bow down to, and accept.

In Germany, where testing stations have no other invested interest, you can guarantee your vehicle test to be fair and honest -- even if it fails.

Aside from a driving licence, a British driver, must have on their car windscreen, a legal and up-to-date road tax disc; they are obtained and eligible for either six or twelve months. Along with that, they must also posses an up-to-date MOT vehicle testing certificate, and a valid driving insurance. All these documents must be shown to a police officer, either on the spot, or taken later to a police station within three days after being stopped for an offence. The registration number plate on a British car, comes with the vehicle, from the time when it is first bought and registered -- and it stays with the car when it is sold on to another person. The only time a number plate is renewed, between being bran-new and the scrap yard, is if the owner wishes to re-register it themselves; some do this to attach on a costly personalised number plate.

All of the above, is of course legally required for other types of motor vehicles.

In Germany, a passing police officer or traffic warden, can check out all important information, even if you are far away from your car, by simply looking at the car registration number plate.

A new owner must re-register the vehicle within the area of their residence. If the car comes from a seller from outside their area, then they will have to apply for a new registration number-plate.  A German number plate belongs to the specific area where the owner resides. It cannot be passed on to anybody living outside that area.

So that is the first piece of information about you; where you live!

Before re-registration, or being issued with a new number plate, a German driver must produce all the relevant documents that entitle them to drive that car -- a TÜV and AU vehicle testing document, plus driving insurance papers. Road tax is then added to the cost of the registration and is billed annually. Unlike UK, the cost of the road tax is adjusted to the size of the engine power. And in Germany, a road tax can be a lot higher than normal, if your car has not been fitted with a Cataleptic Converter.

When a number plate is issued, it will have attached to it,  two official small circular stamps of both the  TÜV and AU exhaust emissions test, and they will be dated.

It is not rare in Germany, to be suddenly waved down late at night by a torch flashing gang of German Polizei, or more commonly known as, Verkehrskontrolle; roadside vehicle checks can happen at anytime during the day or night, and do. Upon inspection, a German number plate will tell the police everything they need to know about a car, the owner, and its legality to be driven, or even -- be parked alongside the road.

If Big Brother was ever thought to be a reality that might come true -- it is certainly happening right now and out here, with the German motorist!

In Germany, a car that becomes unwanted, has to be removed by a metal scrap dealer. Unlike Britain, where the scrap merchant will pay you scrap price for your unwanted car -- in Germany, it is you who have to pay them to take in off your hands. It is often far easier and cheaper to give an old car away, than it is to try and sell or scrap it. And many do. I think so far, Rolf has given away three of his old cars, it is usually the foreigners who take them on; they wish merely to drive away immediately in order to return to their homeland. 

The Germans are too wise or too learned, to take them on themselves.

City Roads

The main city roads in Germany are on one hand, designed for speed; they are often wide, straight and have two to three lanes -- they appear ahead of you as an open invitation to drive fast.

German city roads would make ideal race tracks.

But all of the above has been counteracted by the city road developers by them simply installing a tremendous amount of traffic lights and pedestrian crossings; I have never seen so many as there are out here, and they all appear to be on top of one another. Most of the time, the traffic is speeding from one traffic light to another -- its stop, go, stop go.., all the way home. To my mind, it does not slow the traffic down; many drivers race off in first gear from one set of lights, in an attempt to get in a better pole position, at the next. The traffic lights just prevent drivers from getting into top gear!

For a pedestrian, this arrangement is ideal; nobody would get across the road if it were not for all these traffic light crossings, and I feel sure -- the way the Germans drive, there would be many accidents without them. In Britain, it often takes many accidents before local councils will put up a traffic light or pedestrian crossing -- there is often a protest going on somewhere up and down the country, where local people demand to have a traffic light crossing installed in their area. They call such areas, Accident Black Spots, because so many have died there due to the lack of a proper crossing.

It seems that in Germany, the put up the crossing to prevent the accidents, but in Britain -- they put up the crossing because there are many accidents.

In Britain, where there is a busy main road cross-junction or several roads meeting together, they tend to favour putting in a roundabout, rather than a traffic light system.

A British roundabout, is simply a devise where cars coming and going in all directions, can safely merge together at this one point. The simple rule is, Give way to the Right. Roundabouts are often better than traffic lights, because there is no need to stop when the traffic is light or there are no other vehicles about. And even when the roads are busy, cars can still flow easily through and around, without always having to stop.

 There are an abundance of these grassy roundabouts up and down the country; you will find them evenly placed on fast two-lane open roads, scattered about in cities, towns and villages, throughout the land. Britain loves roundabouts so much, they have even created a mini-roundabout, which is simply a small white painted circle in the centre of the road. The only road where you will not see a roundabout, is on a motorway.

In Germany, roundabouts are rare. I have only seen two and both of them, were not built on busy main roads -- to my minds eye, they appear to have been created more for a scenic appearance, rather than for any road traffic planning. Roundabouts are designed mainly for the trouble-free flow of cars --  they offer no real aid or safety for the pedestrian. This is probably why Germany have not adopted them and instead,  favour installing many pedestrian traffic light crossings -- it seems that Germany considers its pedestrians, just as much as it does its motorist.

The most impressive and main benefit with all of the main city roads throughout Germany, and is also serves as a great aid towards the safety for both motorist and pedestrian -- is that most of the time, Germany’s main roads are free from parked cars; a stretch of road remains a stretch of road at all times. In Britain, this is rarely the case; parked vehicles not only block up main routes, they also create many serious hazards for the pedestrian.