Bloody Germans

Computers

Buying a computer in Germany was the one area where I first thought I wouldn’t encounter any problems; Microsoft, Bill Gates and the Internet are known world over -- it was the one domain that I considered I would be at home with my own language; English would rule the waves..,

How wrong I was..,

It had been quite some time since I last had a computer. To give you some idea of just how long -- my previous model had a 30 megabyte hard-disk and I thought I was going places. I had Windows version 3.1 or whatever, but I did not have any software to run on it and so wondered what it was all about. Everything I possessed then, ran on MSDOS.

 

Ahhh.., those were the days when we could really be in charge of our computers and get them to do what we wanted ‘em to do.

All the computers in the local German shops were boasting Windows 98 with Intel Inside. I hadn’t a clue about any of it. However, considering myself as being a bit computer literate and a stickler for reading instruction manuals, I assumed I would not have any difficulty getting to know it all; there’s no better way to learn than simple Hands-on, has always been my motto!

I did my homework; read as many computer magazines as I could and took in all the excellent advice that was offered to me by known up-to-date computer users.

“Must be a Pentium!” They all knowingly said. “A Pentium One is okay but go for the latest, which is a Pentium Two!”

I hadn’t a clue what they meant, but all the same, it sounded good. The key word or question was..,

“It is Upgradeable? -- Make sure the model you buy is Upgradeable. Computers move on quick and you need to be able to stay with it!”

Was the wise advice of the day.

“Oh and make sure you have enough Megs of memory -- at least sixty-four.., and don’t forget to get a fast enough processor -- you’ll need one of those!”

 

I wrote it all down and lots more, then set off to the local store to purchase my lovely modern top-of-the-range -- well, middle-of-the-range was really my affordable target, computer.

I had Rolf alongside me, as I required an good interpreter to ensure my technological demands would be fully understood, and met.

At the store, we first wandered around considering all the computers on display. Each model had a card placed next to it, which although was written in German -- was simple enough for me to understand what was under the bonnet of each machine.

I soon came upon a model that was up to my liking.

I checked my importance list; it was a Pentium 11.

Good, tick that..,

It had 64 megs of memory.

Tick again..,

Four hundred on the processor, which was the middle-range at that time. But what impressed me more, was 8 Gigabytes on the hard-disk!

Not even Megabytes here -- but Giga-blimmin’-bytes.

Whoopeee!

 You see, you have to understand that I was still in my old 30 megabyte mode when I read that and was totally unaware that although hard-disks have become considerably larger -- so has all the software that takes up all the much needed space. In my complete ignorance, I thought a hard-disk that size would not even quarter fill in a hundred years. I would even have enough room to store my sandwiches in there.

So right there and then -- I chose that model.

We went up to the sales assistant and with Rolf’s help, I asked all the questions and got the right answers. And yes, it was most definitely -- Upgradeable!

The shop assistant delighted me even more when he listed out all the free software bundle packages that would come along with it. I have never seen such a long list of freebies in England and it included many from top software programmes, games and utilities. I then chose all the added extra’s to go with this computer; screen, printer, scanner etc., and happily wheeled out my goodie bundle of boxes on a trolley, through the checkout till and out to our car.

I was the happiest little bunny-rabbit in the world!

When we got home, Rolf went out again and I started to unpack the boxes to set it all up. The first thing I hunted for, were the manuals. Amongst all the polythene and polystyrene packing, I fished them out. It was quite a large bundle of books that covered everything about my new computer innards, set-up instructions and of course, my Windows 98 book.

I opened up one of them..,

“Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!”

Horror of horrors -- it was all in bloody German!

I rummaged and ravaged my way through them all, searching frantically for the English version. There was none of it -- not even separate enclosed pages in Spanish, French, Italian, Mongolian or even Japanese. And nothing whatsoever in English!

In my panic I opened up all the other boxes; the printer and scanner. It was the same thing -- everything in German.

I picked up my Windows 98 book and opened it up..,

‘Wilkommen beim Betriebssytem Microsoft Vindows 98...,’

“Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!”

“I’m gonna die!”

I mean what hope does one have in trying to fully understand a computer manual in their own language -- let alone in one they don’t understand?

‘Mit den Erweiterungen zum Desktop, zur Taskleiste und zum Menü kömmen Sie Verknüpfungen und Programme in Sekundenschnelle starten!’

“What did you say..., fit which bit to what?”

“Don’t panic..,” I thought. “Release your teeth from the box lid and stop wailing.., it’s quite simple to put together.., just use your logic. Besides, if something doesn’t fit into one hole, its probably because it doesn’t belong there. Just work it out kid.., you’ll be fine!”

So I slowly and blindly began to assemble all the units, leads and parts together. When I was done, it looked good; it resembled a computer. So I figured out that I must have got it right.

Now it was time to switch on and install..,

I inserted the Windows disk and for some unknown reason, I picked up my German Windows 98 book again. Maybe I thought that the Gods were with me and would have kindly translated it all when I wasn’t looking.

‘Klicken Sie auf die Schaltfläche Start und dann Hilfe!’

“Help...., what is Hilfe?”

“Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh -- Help!!!!”

“Don’t panic -- remember who you are.., or were. Remember in the old days when you installed your own software -- a little screen popped up and said --

“What language do you require?”

You just click on the drop-down menu and wade through them all until you find the one you want -- French, Spanish, Italian -- heck.., even US English would make more sense than this lot!  Just click on Ya and look for that little screen.”

But the little screen never came and Windows began to install --

In German!

And it reminded me of that fact every bloody step of the way.

Now my Windows 98 was fully installed and with a contorted tortured face, I grimaced at the screen with pain..,

Every drop-down menu, every icon and right through the Start Menu.., was all in German; words like.., Arbeitsplatz, Favoriten and Dokumente, I could handle no problem -- but, Einstellungun, Wechseln and Netzwerkumgebung -- what the hell was that all about?

A fly flew past my nose, laughing at me. So I struck it hard with my German Windows 98 Instruction Manual.

I had at least found some good use for it.

By the time as Rolf came home again, I was at his feet clinging to his ankles and begging for him to help me. I told him of my plight and asked if he could sit with me and explain each menu as I continued with my installations.

He was absolutely hopeless.

Despite him being German and knowing the language like a native -- he just could not explain what each menu was saying..,

“It’s hard to explain..,” He limply told me each time. “It wants to know if you are ready or not?”

“Ready for what?”

“I dunno -- he didn’t say!”

Technology and Instruction Manuals are just two things that cannot find any route to Rolf’s brain. If it had said.., “Click on Start and then go and have a cup of coffee and a piece of cake!” He would have sure understood that all right!

So I was back on my own again trying to work it all out.

I clicked here and I clicked there; trying to find anything that I could at least half-understand. But it was hopeless. I was so desperate for something to drop down and give me at least one comprehensible instruction. If a pop-up, pop down or pop anywhere, screen would have suddenly appeared and said..,

“Jump out of the Window!”

I probably would have done it in my excitement!

But all was not lost. There was still one thing left I could do --

I rang home and organised an English version of Windows 98 to be sent out to me.

Not daft eh!

When the boxed goodies arrived, I wondered if it would be okay for me to do this; “Can I turn my German computer into an English computer, overnight?” I thought to myself.

Before attempting such, I decided to check it out at the store where I purchased my computer. I was ailed if the version of Windows that came with my computer, was specially fashioned for my computer and no other; if it had system files or whatever, that pertained to my computer alone and would not be present in my new English version of Windows. I simply asked if I could uninstall my German Windows and replace it with an English copy.

Not one of them at the store could answer my question; they just did not know!

I went around many computer stores -- yet again, nobody knew if I could do it or not.

This caused me more concern because now I knew that the act was, questionable, despite it not having any answers. So instead, I did something really stupid -- something that I have regretted doing to this day; I installed my English version of Windows right over the top of my German version!

Yes, I know now.., but at the time, I didn’t. I thought that all the Windows programme files would be main universal files with boring names and numbers -- and my installing over the top of them, would just overwrite them all. But any important file that was put in for my computer alone -- would remain. I really thought I had cracked it; I had it all sussed.

I ended up with my own version of Double-Windows 98.

And I don’t mean one I can click on to open the German version and another for the English. No, I’ve got my main Windows all set up with the menu’s, Start Bar and everything else in English; my Windows is in English which is what I wanted, but many of the Windows files are in German and English; they did not overwrite but double-up! All the help books, screen images, sound files, folders -- I got them all twice. I even had two versions of Network History and Cookie folders -- and they were both fully operating.

I had what could be commonly termed as an English/Deutch Windows 98; sometimes an error message, help menu, or whatever, would pop up in English -- and another time, in German. And as everybody knows, Windows software takes up enough space on a hard-disk just as it is..,

I had it taking up double that amount!

Now, what I should have done -- yes I know that now.., but what I should have done is start again -- Deinstallierin the Deutsch Vindows and just install the English version.., just to see if it would be okay or not. But no.., like a fool that I was, I thought I could slowly, over a short space of time -- delete all the unnecessary German files that I did not require. I could get rid of Bild.Bmp and keep the Picture.Bmp; the same file but with a different name. Every now and then, just wade through my Windows directories and seek out those nasty German Windows files -- and kill ‘em off one by one, ‘till their all dead n’ gone.

That is what I thought..., at the time.

That was over a year ago, and today -- although I have sent thousands of them to that big Recycle-bin in the sky -- they still keep turning up when and where I least expect them. I am happily writing out an article; as I am doing now.., or making a scan.., or calling up a help menu and..,

‘Eingabehilfen fürköerlich Behinderte!’

“Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh -- Will nobody rid me of this awful German!”

I cry out loud in my despair.

I have searched through every nook and cranny, deep within the annuls of my computer directories, down every dark avenue, within hidden files and folders --  to places one ought not to go, in my now obsessed quest to hunt out and destroy all German Windows files. I seek ‘em here and I seek ‘em there. I am even searching the Web to locate a programme similar to the one they used to pinpoint German U-boats.

Why don’t I just start again, I hear you say.

I can’t.

It’s too late for that, because over the past year I have downloaded and updated so much on my Windows soft and hardware, that it would take me just as long to catch up again -- even if I could remember where and what to update on again. So I am stuck with this ongoing nightmare, seemingly forever.

It was the same with all that lovely freebie software that came with my computer -- all in German and all totally useless for me. I have had to slowly re-purchase, download and reinstall-- everything. I even arranged for an English keyboard to be sent out to me because the German keyboard was driving me QWERTZ. I have had to slowly teach my computer how to speak English and forget that its a German.

It aint easy work, believe me. I read somewhere that it can take up to six hours for a surgeon to change someone's sex -- its taken me over two years to change my computer from German to English.., and I am still hard at it today.

“Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!”

‘Bloody Germans!’

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