Bloody Germans

The German Lotto

Like the British, the Germans also have their own State Lottery or Lotto, as it is called out here.

The differences between the two countries is that the German lottery is Regional and not National, like it is in Britain; so places like Hamburg, Munich, Berlin etc., will each have their own city lottery. This also explains why the top prize money in the German Lotto is only around half a million pounds -- nowhere near as high as the seven to nine million that can be won each week in Britain’s National Lottery.

Otherwise, the principle is the same; numbered balls from one to forty nine will turn slowly around in an automatic tumbling machine, until six of them are randomly selected and roll out one by one to make the weekly draw. A seventh ball, known as the Lucky ball, will then follow suit, and be included in the final line of winning numbers. Lucky ticket holders, with three to six of the drawn numbers on their ticket, will each receive a cash prize; the more matching numbers they have, the more cash they win. And if nobody has the full six winning numbers, then the top prize will be added to the following week’s lottery draw and be called, a Rollover.

But from that standard -- and possibly world-wide procedure, there are still some pretty big differences between the British and German lottery.

One of the big main differences is  -- who runs the lottery and where does the money go?

In Britain, although the National Lottery is backed by the Government, the actual running of it is put out to tender; at the moment a company called Camelot Group Plc are enjoying  that privilege. Each lottery draw ticket costs the player one pound a time, and the proceeds from that money is split several ways; forty-five pence goes towards all the lottery cash prizes, twenty-eight pence goes into a Distribution Fund;  an organisation that allocates money to certain bodies within the Arts, Sports or Charities; each have to put in a bid to make a claim. Five pence goes to Camelot to pay for running costs, plus they get another five pence, which is I suppose for their profits -- they are a business. And the remaining five-pence, from the initial pound stake, goes towards such things as lottery Super Draws or Scratch-card payouts.

In Germany, the lottery comes under a Lotto Toto Block and is run by the Government.  The proceeds from the player’s stake is simply divided up between prize money and money for the State coffers; fifty per cent goes to the Government, eight per cent goes to the shops that sell the tickets, and the rest goes into prize money.   Over the past years, money that has gone to the government,  has helped to pay for large and expensive ventures, that would have otherwise been an extra burden on the country’s normal tax expenditure.

When I first began my research into how the each country divides up their lottery income, I had no problem with Britain, because everybody there knows and wants to know, where all the money goes -- they make it their interest to know and many are none to happy about some of the avenues it finds its way to. The information was also clearly defined on the lottery Website. However, in Germany -- this same information was not so easy to trace; I first asked several Germans, and surprisingly -- none of them knew or even cared.

At the main German Lotto Website, no such information was to be found either, nothing except how to play and what numbers won the last game. So I contacted another smaller charity lottery organisation and a guy wrote back and said, even he didn’t know how the main lottery money is divided up.

So I sent an e-mail to the Germany Embassy, and asked them..,

 I got an e-mail back from them, asking to give my name and address -- this worried me so; I think maybe the way Germany handles it lottery, is a State Secret!

They have not asked me further to give my name and address -- but if they do, I shall only be prepared to give them my name, rank and serial number. After that, I may need to rely heavily on Amnesty International!

Another big difference between Germany and Britain, is in the way the lottery is presented on the television each Saturday evening..,

In UK, it’s a whole long TV show of its own; each week, top celebrity guests are invited along to press buttons and begin the spinning of the balls -- but not before they have sung their latest hit.

The UK show is also preceded by run-up items like quizzes, discussions about where or which good cause some of the lottery money has gone or is going to, and chats with past winners to make us all feel green with envy. The formula changes regularly;  they once had a feature where a fortune teller, called Mystic Meg -- would sit in her tart’ed-up tent, look into her magic crystal ball and predict all the characteristics of the next lucky winner..,

‘The lucky winner this week.., I see is living in a house -- or is it a flat? I am not sure if it is a man or a woman -- but it could easily be one or the other! And if they are not employed, then they are either working or retired -- but they are definitely not dead! The lucky ticket holder also knows somebody who has a vowel in their name..’

“Wow!!! She’s talking about me -- I’m all of those things -- and I’m not dead!”

  The whole of the British Lottery TV Show is full of razzmatazz; exciting music, whirly lights and a colourful studio set. Each week, and to a roll on the drums, they make a random envelope choice to decide from which five computerised lottery ball machines they will use for tonight's game -- and they have even given these machines their own names --

 “Will it be Arthur, Guinevere, Lancelot, Merlin or Galahad..,”

The excitement has me rolling off the end of my seat!

And for the extra added benefit of the TV viewers, they regularly design new computerised screens to display up each numbered ball that has been drawn and dropped into slot -- and to add to the sparkle, the show is amassed with a live audience, who are seemingly stage-managed into when they should clap, cheer and generally jump up n’ down in their seats at every exciting moment.., and if that isn’t enough,  the whole show is wrapped around and hosted by a well-known, well-loved and hugely popular top Celebrity TV Star. That choice is also changed from time to time -- they gotta be In to win!

In Germany, they have none of that..,

The German Lotto comes on TV around eight on a Saturday evening, and its all over in less than five minutes..,

(Reminds me a bit of my Father’s annual November 5th, Guy Fawkes Firework Display!)

No fancy music, hosts, guests or anything like the British have. The Germans have three basic ball machines that they use everytime; one is for the main lottery six ball, plus lucky ball game -- and the other two are for games called Super 6 and Game 77, where the balls numbered from 0 to 9 are played out against the holder’s seven digit lottery ticket number; Super 6 is the first six numbers, and Game 77 is the whole seven numbers.

The Saturday evening lottery draw, is far less than a show -- it’s just an event that comes on just before or after the TV News (So much like my Father’s firework display), and compared to the UK TV Lottery Show, it is about as exciting as waiting for the steady growth of facial hair, unless of course you happen to be a winner.

Myself, I think I much prefer the German version -- at the end of the day, you only want to know if you’ve gotta get up early the next morning and go to work, or not -- and the quicker you find that out -- the better. Who needs the singing and dancing prior to it all -- if I won, I would surely supply my own?

The availability of the German Lotto tickets is also not on such a grand scale as it is in the UK..,

In Britain, the tickets are on sale in shops and supermarkets, large and small everywhere, which can also include most tobacconists, bookshops and 24 hour food stores. They are also available at many garage premises that are open all day and night.

In Germany, you can only buy your Lotto ticket at some of the small tobacconists, which are of course.., closed every evening. On a Saturday -- the big day of the draw, you can only purchase a Lotto ticket up to midday. Unlike UK, in Germany, there is no quick-nipping up the garage, or late night Supermarket, one hour before the Saturday evening draw.

So for me out here in Germany, due to a lot less available and frequent ticket sales, many times -- I can’t be in it, to win it.., because I can’t blimmin’ buy it!

German Television

As in Britain, the Germans have three ways in which to receive their television transmissions; from a terrestrial aerial, a satellite dish, or via a TV cable network. Not much to report on there you might think. Well, you’d be wrong, there’s much to tell you about the differences between the British and German television -- and again I’m afraid, despite what many British viewers might think, the Germans in my mind, come up on top.

There are six stations on German terrestrial television, while in Great Britain there are only five. In Britain, the majority of viewers are still watching their television via a terrestrial aerial; rooftops all over the country bear witness to this.  Whereas in Germany, receiving television in this manner, only occurs for a very tiny percent of people; mostly by folk who live in old houses and for reasons of their own, have not bothered to update, and others, who might be viewing portable televisions with a built-in terrestrial aerial.

The wide majority of Germans have cable television installed into their homes. In Britain, where they also enjoy cable television, they have to first apply to one of several cable companies and make a special request for that installation. In Germany, all cable television comes direct from one company, the Deutsche Telekom, which is the German telephone company equivalent to UK’s British Telecom. 

German cable television transmits around twenty four different German TV stations. On top of that, there are a few extra channels from foreign networks; some from Poland, Turkey, France, plus NBC, CNN and BBC World.  Germany also receives their own version of MTV and VH1 music channels, plus NBC  provide them with a special German broadcast.

The strange thing is, German television does not provide any channels that are in English, other than British or American news channels. Sometimes, but not very often, they have this thing called, Zweikanalton. What that means is two different recorded sounds coming through each separate channel of a stereo TV system. For example, when showing an American film, a sound signal that has been previously dubbed into German, will be broadcast onto the left speaker and another signal transmission, from what is known as the Original Spiel (OS), or the original language that the programme or film was first made, will be heard on the right.  To enjoy this fully, one must first be fortunate enough have a stereo television that is capable of switching either the left or right hand speakers, on and off .

But don’t get excited or build up your hopes too high -- Zweikanalton television broadcasting is about as rare as rain in the desert. When it does come on, it’s usually some old ‘Made-for-TV’ movie, or what my Rolf often calls, Frauen TV; all about women, their kids and mundane lot!

Until I came to Germany, I had never heard of Zweikanalton television before. I never even knew it existed, and I have never seen or heard of it in any other country. It’s a pity that they do not have this brilliant technology operating on all of their television channels, and even moreso with modern films. After all, most of their latest and best films derive from USA, so the programme makers already receive them in English, prior to dubbing them with their German.

Why, I always ask, can’t they just dub one side of the Zweikanalton track with their German and leave the other side alone so that I can listen to it in English?  Think how good that would be for international relations; I can picture it now -- one big television room with all the German speaking sitting on the left and the English on the right. After a while, we might pick up a bit of each other’s language and slowly begin to move across and integrate!

I mean, it’s not that I am against watching any television in German, on the contrary -- some programmes I prefer to watch in their native tongue. I have seen Germany’s fantastic Das Boot series in both German and English and I much prefer the German version. It’s all horses-for-courses. If its a film or play about the Hamburg Police chasing after German criminals, or about German soldiers, sailors or the Luftwaffe from World War Two -- then I much prefer to hear the Germans talking in their own language -- it makes sense and helps give the story far more realism. But once, not long after I first arrived in Germany, I came into our lounge, halfway through this American War film that was being shown on television -- there was these American soldiers making their way slowly and quietly up this hill at night.

I turned to Rolf, who was by now well absorbed into the action, and said..,

“So why are those Germans dressed up as Americans -- are they up to no good?”

“No!” Rolf said, “They are American soldiers fighting the Germans!”

I said, “Yeah, it may look like that to you -- but they are really Germans dressed up in American uniforms sneaking up that hill..., have you not been following the film?”

“Of course I have!” Rolf snapped back. “What makes you think that they are Germans?”

“Because I am more observant than you -- you haven’t been watching it close enough have you? 

 They are definitely Germans!”

 “They’re not bloody Germans -- they’re Americans?”

“Then how come when I heard one of them speak on the radio -- he was talking in full-blown German. Unless.., he is the only one who is a German -- maybe he is a spy who has unknowingly infiltrated the group!”

Rolf, bless him.., had to explain to me that everybody in the film was speaking in German; the Germans and the Americans, because, as he reminded me --

“We are now living in Germany and watching German TV!”

I had a similar problem, not long after, when I was watching an old British black and white 1940’s ‘Ealing’ film, all about London during the Blitz. I was doing all right until this London Bobby shouted out directions to a passing motorist -- in full blown-German!

My Mother told me they only got as far as the Channel Islands!

German analogue satellite television is also, once again, very different to Britain's. For one thing, their decoder boxes are not designed with a slot in place for the purpose of inserting a smart-card to unscramble the broadcasts. German television is all ‘Free-to-Air’.

Viewers in Great Britain can also pick up the full German television stations for free on their British analogue satellites systems, but not the other way around; most of Britain's analogue satellite television needs to have an ongoing account with ‘Sky TV’.

Britain is currently moving over from analogue to digital television; their main five terrestrial TV stations are now also transmitted on their digital television system and are ‘Free to View’ -- this is not the same as ‘Free to Air’ because it cannot be received without a viewing card. This is tough luck for anybody living abroad who attempts to tune into UK digital without the necessary BBC card; applicable only to those with UK resident addresses.

But despite all the ranting and ravings from Britain’s television industry about their new Satellite Digital Television, I am here to tell you that from my experiences, it is far from impressive compared to the old analogue technology --

If its a nice sunny or clear day, then okay -- digital television is brilliant. But then, so is normal terrestrial TV, and to be honest, on a clear day, I cannot see any great difference in the reception between them both. With their satellite system, should it rain or become overcast, then your digital TV is screwed up from a slight annoyance of picture or sound break-up, to it being completely wiped out by heavy cloud, rain or snow. Even a big fat pigeon sitting or flying over your dish could seriously prevent you from finding out whodunit!

The one bonus to be gained from this faltering technology, is that your digital picture will begin to break up or disappear completely, at least five minutes before you start to see the rain fall. Your satellite dish can double-up as your own built-in five minute rain-warning system, which will allow you to dash outside and get your washing off the line double-quick!

Analogue satellite never seemed to be affected at all by bad weather -- not once in the short few months that I had it, did I ever lose or see the picture change.

The British TV industry wants everybody to go over to their new digital TV system and as soon as they have coerced enough people, through ads and special deals and a majority target is reached, there will be no more terrestrial TV in UK. When that time arrives, a terrestrial television aerial will be absolutely obsolete -- you can either leave it up on the roof for the birds to sit on, register it as a listed item for historical purposes, or bring it down and use it to prop up your beans in the back garden. Or you could just sling it in the cupboard under the stairs, along with all your other junk -- I mean, memorabilia!

Germany has also gone over to digital television and now have it well established. Their digital cable and satellite television has the same arrangement as their analogue. After first purchasing a digital decoder, through either cable or a satellite dish, they will receive approximately thirty channels that are all ‘Free-to-Air’, and again, very dissimilar to the set-up in Great Britain, in that they are not required to insert a smart-card to receive and view.

Another thing that I find strangely different between Britain and Germany’s satellite television -- and that is.., the simple act of purchasing such..,

In Britain, if you decide upon buying a satellite system, you can only do this by first calling into your local television showroom, or electrical store that will also sell, amongst other things, washing machines, cookers, hi-fi, computers, etc., and of course, television sets. At the satellite TV section, you will find the sat decoder boxes up on the display shelves. They will be all hooked up and tuned in; an advert in their own right. And plastered all over the area and close to the display set-up themselves, will be big colourful signs telling you all about the ‘Fantastic Sky TV Deals!’

You already know about the deals and which system suits you best -- you’ve done all your homework and have been told that this particular store sells the very model that you want.

So you would think all you have to do now is pick it up and buy it!

No so fast..,

You tell the shop assistant..,

“I would like to buy a satellite system and the one over there is the very thing I want!”

Now comes the tricky part..,

You first have to start filling in a ‘Sky’ Contract form and answer, with lots of details, all sorts of questions..,

And there’s more..,

You still can’t pick it up and take it away.., for some strange reason -- that’s not allowed.

You need to have people involved who will bring the equipment; dish and box, to your house and set it up for you. Fine as an added extra, but if you fancy yourself as a bit of a do-it-yourself expert and like to save on your money -- not here at the satellite system shop you won’t!

You have to do it to their deal, or it’s no deal!

The only way around this is to buy a decoder second-hand, or maybe you might know someone who works in the trade, which you can then purchase (legal mind you) through the back door and fix it up yourself. But for the average punter, as most of us are -- the only way you can buy a satellite system in the UK, either analogue or digital, is to have somebody from the shop -- or their agent, call at you home and set it all up for you..

In Germany, if I want to buy a satellite system, I could go to the same kind of shops as in UK, but that would be foolhardy because there they are the most expensive. Out here in Germany, the best place I can go to purchase a satellite system -- is at my local Supermarket..,

Yes, you read me right -- my Supermarket!

I can walk past the beans, soups and sugar -- and pop a bran-new boxed ‘Sat System’ into my trolley as I pass by. Which I might add, did not have to be taken down from any fancy display shelving either, although a few models may be up there on display -- but for the one of my choice, it came from a big mountain of ready boxed satellite systems in assorted models and versions. And as I go around the corner, I can also pick up my choice of boxed satellite dish, and place that over the top of my shopping trolley as well.

Once I have got these items home, I can do three things; I can put it up myself -- (well two then..,) I can get in someone handy -- who’s very handy to put it up for me.., or I can look through the ‘German Yellow Pages’ and call-in a ‘Put-em-up’ TV satellite guy.

The main thing is, unlike in Britain -- that choice is all mine!

I should also point out while I am still at the Supermarket store, that many other electrical goods like, washing machines, cookers, hi-fi, computers, etc., and of course televisions, as well as the previously mentioned satellite systems.., can also be picked up from large mountains of the same boxed items, loaded onto trolleys and then carried out to the car; via of course -- the check-out till.

In Britain, whenever you buy such items -- you always seem to have to involve yourself with other people, delivery vans and days to be at home -- which is even worse, because many times, they can only give you a delivery date, not a time or even a morning or afternoon. So you have to stay in all day and wait for the darn things to arrive.

And half the time, they don’t even turn up when they say they will!

In Britain, there is so often some deal that has already been worked into the price, its delightfully called --

“£999.99 inclusive of delivery and installation!”

It is made to appear as if you’re getting a ‘free’ deal, when all the time you are only being forced to pay for this extra service, whether you need it or not -- as before and so unlike Germany; in these simple purchase matters, you have no choice but to pay for those hidden added delivery and installation charges.

And why is it that at most times, whenever you go into a British store to buy an item like a television, satellite system, washing machine, sofa; you name it -- they never seem to have those items you request in stock at that store?

All they have at most of these shops, are saleable items that are only on display..,

“Well, I have to ring up the manufactures or head office and order the colour/model that you want -- have you a second option just in case your choice is not available? --- Yes, they say that although they do not have what you want in their stock -- there is one other available -- but its two hundred and fifty miles away at another branch -- it will take about three weeks to six months for delivery!”

In Germany, all items that are on display, are also close to many boxes of them stacked up alongside; once you have made your choice from the display -- you just pick up the box and trolley it out to the cash point.

And it is like that practically everywhere; no planning or waiting days, weeks or months for delivery men to arrive -- it’s all done right there and then on the spot, unless you make a special request for them to deliver it.

Why can’t it be as simple as that in UK?

While I am on the subject of the big differences that I find between the shops in UK and Germany; in which again Germany is by far better, I also gloat at the many large stores Germany has around.

In Germany, there are many large stores like for instance, Karstadt, Brinkmann, Herti, Kaufhof, Media Markt and a good few others, in which I cannot find any real comparison back in Britain.

In Britain, we also have quite a few chain stores placed in almost every town and city, some that will sell clothes and others maybe furniture. If we in Britain wanted to buy a carpet, we would either go to a small carpet shop, or drive to some warehouse on the outskirts of town. It is the same if we wanted to buy a television, a radio or stereo equipment, and also items like electric cookers and washing machines.., but my point being -- where can we go to buy all of these things, including a whole lot more, like stationary, music, household goods -- everything that is all under one roof at one large store?

It just seems that in Britain we can’t and I find it very strange why this is so. Why has nobody in Britain ever set up such a national business, or for that matter -- why haven’t the Germans moved in and captured that large hole we have apparently left wide open in our consumer market.  They did with their now so successful and inexpensive food markets like Aldi and Lydl’s.

But even stranger than all this, I can’t figure out for the life of me, why I did not realise this before I came out to Germany; I never realised that these kind of large stores just do not exist in the length and breadth of Britain.

Now there maybe some stores like they have in Germany situated in large cities as  London, but in Germany, these kinds of large stores that sell just about everything one could ever possibly want, are scattered about in most small town areas within every large city in Germany.

I can remember that my home town of  Bournemouth has had two fairly similar kinds of large stores in the town; one of which has long since gone, but both of those stores were exclusive only to Bournemouth -- they were not operating on a national scale as all these large stores in Germany presently are.

It seems so strange to me now, but in Britain, if I wanted to purchase some software or game for my computer, then buy some new clothes, pick up a new CD, look at the latest wide-screen digital television, put my photographs in for processing, replace my worn out kettle -- the list of things I need to do goes on, I would have to spend the majority of the day, or even week, running around to all the different large and small shops around and on the outskirts of town. Yet in Germany, I just need to go to any of the large stores they have scattered around -- and I could do it all in no time and even take a short break for lunch there.

Why I simply ask, do we not have our own abundance of these kind of large stores?

It is the one thing I would surely miss if I returned to Britain.

Getting back to German television, the programmes themselves are I suppose better in some ways, but not in others, when it comes to comparing them to British television. British comedy series and sitcoms are to me, by far the best the world over -- let alone, in comparison to Germany. Many British television drama series are also excellent, well written and portrayed.

So with ‘Quality’, I have to give all the points to the British.

But when it comes to ‘Quantity’ -- the Germans have, once again, won hands down.

No matter what day it is, you can always guarantee several good German plays or international films; old and not so old, on all German TV -- right through the day for twenty-four hours.

Whatever your preference for television viewing, you could stick with it all day and night between the one, or several channels that are available. And in Germany, I am not aware of any competition rivalry between one TV station and another -- not even at Christmas time!

 

All German TV programming is well spaced out; if there is one programme on that you are not interested in -- you are sure to find plenty of other good options on many of the other channels.

In Britain this is seemingly not the case.

I don’t know who sorts out the British television billing -- but whoever it is, I reckon they are not having to sit and watch it themselves!

For many years now, British television -- and on all main five stations, are pretty much run-of-the-mill with their regular television programming. Unlike German TV, there are hardly ever any surprises. For the past umpteen years gone by, and for probably the next umpteen years to come -- I can practically work out a typical television format for every moment of the day:

On all channels, most daytime television is well-dated repeat films and old American TV series. Late afternoons and early evenings are quizzes, animal, chat and make-up shows, or cooking, DIY and gardening. British television does not really begin to get interesting until 9 p.m. And many of the really good films are showing far too late at night for most working people to be bothered with.

Everything on British television is so routine from morning till late at night, seven days a week -- and it goes on month after month after month; Saturday evening is all quiz shows or stuff for young people -- don’t they know that most young people go out on a Saturday evening and are searching for their own kind of pleasurable, one-on-one interactive entertainment. Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays, are always the same kind of dull programming -- week after week.

But then, you suddenly you discover that something of great interest has been billed; a special-report documentary, a top rated latest film.., an excellent new play and a two-part mini-series..,

But they are all on different channels at exactly the same time.

British television competition ratings mean nothing to a viewer but boring and annoyingly clashing weekly TV all year round.

I imagine some guy with his wife -- they’ve got a bit of money put by, so they go into this large store and hit the ‘TV Audio’ section.

A big  4 X 4 ft ‘Wide-screen -- Screw to the Wall, Cinema style, Flat Screen, Digital, Smoked Screen’ -- you name it, it's got it all -- is up on centre display!

Along with that, its got lots of added extras like, ‘Cinema Audio Sound Surround, Speakers and Gismo Boxes’ for getting it all just right..,

Plus, it has another big box alongside it, with built-in ‘DVD Record and Play..,’

And the whole ‘Package’ comes together in matching ‘Silver or Gold Surround’ -- it's ‘State of The Art Technology!’

The whole deal works out at just over twelve thousand quid -- 99 pence, including of course, delivery and installation.

So this man and his wife., buy it -- cash down!

Later, the delivery guys arrive, and they unload the vast amount of big boxes, while the neighbours look on in wonder. They then spend the whole day setting this thing up; fixing it to the wall etc.

That evening, the whole family all sit down with their chocolates and toffees to experience a bran new experience in ‘Modern Television Technology’,  knowing full well that the rest of the sods next door and out there -- would be totally purple with envy.

So the next day after work, our guy stops off and goes into his local pub.

He sees an old chum and trying to find some way of bragging to this man all about his fantastic new TV arrangement back home -- with a knowingly smile, he asks..,

“What kind of telly have you got then Bert?”

“Oh, I got one of them new ‘Digital Wide-screen’ jobs -- it's about as big as half the size of that door -- ‘cost me around five grand.., mind you, a waste of bloody money if you ask me -- nothing but crap on all channels last night..,  I switched the bleedin’  thing off after the news and played ‘Monopoly’ all evening with the wife and kids!”

“Funny...,’ says our guy -- ‘So did I!”

The big difference between the programming arrangements of both countries, is that Britain’s television -- and I am referring to all of the main five channels, seem to rely heavily on what time of the day it is; they will have themes from early morning, midmorning, lunchtime, early afternoon, teatime, early evening, nine o’ clock watershed (adult viewing), late-night, overnight -- and then back around to early morning again!

This set-up is just plain ridiculous, especially in a modern twenty-first century where not everybody lives an around-the-clock life like they once used to. And this is what makes British television programming so predictable -- you just know what kind of  TV will be showing by simply looking at the clock!

In Germany, no such time-slot schedules exist. Their TV is twenty-four hour variety on all channels; you can watch a film at seven in the morning, and continue watching them right through the whole day and night if you so wish. Some top films are even re-shown later on the same day for viewers who might have missed it due to the hours that they work. With the many variety of choices that are shown on twenty-four hour German television, it is possible for the viewer -- not the television producer, to make up their own time-slot of viewing. The choices available would allow them to watch a TV formula -- either like that in UK, or they can decide on a format completely of their own choosing.

In Britain, it seems as if we are all told what we should watch at certain times of the day -- this must be so because all five TV channels appear to programme schedule in the very same way.

But despite this, although the German television channels are by far the best when it comes to variety, many times they go and spoil it all by having commercial breaks that are ridiculously far too long -- and they come and go without any warning at all --

Some guy gets pushed off the cliff -- then suddenly you’re being told about Kinder chocolate eggs, Müller Bananemilch and a new brand of vegetable Frikadellen that’s just come onto the market. And it just seems to go on and on in a forever never-ending grossly overdone brilliant hi-colour.  In Britain, we like to look at television advertising as a favourable opportunity to take short break to nip to the toilet, make a quick cup of tea or rustle-up a tasty TV snack -- all before the programme comes back on again. In Germany, the adverts breaks are so long -- you would have time to redecorate your toilet and prepare a roast turkey dinner for ten! Then suddenly, again without any warning -- the film comes back on again, and if you’re quick enough -- you get to see the guy hit the ground..,

Remember him?

He’s the one who fell off the cliff sometime back before the Kinder chocolate!

The other day, I saw an advertisement on my television. They showed this lovely comfortable and well furnished home but then, zoomed into a little house-pet dog, who was running around amok all over the place; up n’ down the stairs. Wherever it went, it left dirty footmarks just about everywhere and as it leapt from one place to another, it caused nothing but house breakage's.

The advert was all about selling us some kind of home insurance.

What’s a matter with them -- do they think we’ve never heard of bullets?

You just cannot get involved in television when the advertising breaks are too long. And it doesn’t help to pass the time by switching channels either, as most of their television share the same commercial break times -- they’re not daft, they know what we’re all up too!

The BBC channels One and Two, are like Germany’s ‘ARD’ and ‘ZDF’  television; they do not have any advertising, but for the other three  -- they have commercial breaks, but gladly, they are not on for as long as the German’s. But in saying that, Britain's ‘Sky TV’ are just as guilty for overdoing their advertising; a normal size film or television series, on both German and Britain’s ‘Sky TV’, takes twice or nearly three times longer than normal to watch. In both cases, it is far less time-consuming to record the thing on your video, then you are able watch it in comfort without losing track of the unfolding story -- or half of your life.., because you can now fast-forward through all the long advertisement breaks.

That is what most people do.., so in the end, because of the TV company’s greed to cram in as many adverts as they can -- nobody bothers to watch any of them.

It’s a fact -- has nobody ever told them that?

I once saw an advert on television about a new down-the-phone-line -- ‘Pause and Watch When You Like’ television technology --

‘Interactive’, is what they call it! 

Well, apparently, as they tell us -- now, when you are watching an advertisement, you can pause it -- click on a few buttons and your television will give you lots more information about that product; where you can buy it and what you can do with it. Don't these idiots know.., what we want is a button that will spin thru' or cut the blimmin’ lot out -- just like we've been doing for years with our videos!

They must live in another world!

“Ohhh! Sod the cliff-hanger -- does he die or not?  Who cares -- let's all find out about ‘Heinz’ blimmin’ baked beans!!!”

It is interesting to note that America has anything between 75 and 334 plus television channels; depending on which State, without having the need for anything else from their digital technology.

That alone far tops Germany and UK put together. I wonder though,  what are those 74 to 334 channels like? From where I am sitting, that would be more than enough TV channels to cope with -- I would spend all day and night trying to figure out which was the best channel to watch. Even a video recorder wouldn’t help much,. I’d need a hundred videos, but even then -- what time would I have to watch what I have recorded without missing out on what’s on now. No, I don’t think I could cope with that many television channels -- I would go out of my head and finish up throwing the telly out of the window.