Bloody Germans

The Gay Parade

There are of course lots of other events that go on in Hamburg all year round -- so many, that quite often you only learn about them when you turn a corner and come across them by accident.

That happened to me only just the other day whilst I was out city shopping. The first signs were from people gathering around TV unit who were setting up their overhead camera. The second was a large group of German Policemen standing nearby. I asked one of them who could speak English what was going on -- he gave me some indication that he did not know.

I thought that very strange.

Then later, after spending sometime inside one large store, I came out and saw something that was reminiscent of London’s Notting Hill Carnival; a bit like a Mardi Gras. On a closer look, I soon discovered it was in fact a Gay Parade.

Passing through thick crowds, were open top busses, lorries and other vehicles -- all fancied up and had some strange occupants dressed up in fancy or weird clothing -- many men were dressed as women but looked more like circus clowns. Each vehicle was blasting out their own noisy repetitive music that they were all jumping up and down and dancing to.

In between each vehicle, as they passed by, were another similar assorted lot following on foot -- there were lots of them marching and going by in a parade that seemed to pass by for hours.

I stood and watched for a while and then decided to continue my shopping. As I came out of one store into another, they were still passing by in their hundreds. Many of the strangely dressed marchers, also entered the large stores to do some quick shopping -- it was like as if the circus had come to town!

I said to myself, “They can’t all be from Germany, let alone from Hamburg -- unless those German sausages are far more suspect than I first thought!”

Some in the parade, including the women, wore dark black clothing -- a good few wore black rubber outfits and had studs and chains all over their bodies, including on their faces -- I found that lot quite sinister and harrowing.

So many of them, either on the vehicles or marching behind, were flashing their naked backsides and the woman, were bouncing around their studded bare breast -- “Why.,” I thought, “Do they have to do that in order to get their point across? And why can’t heterosexual people have a parade like that as well.., but flash their family photo’s, school certificates, home bills, mortgages or real estate contracts instead!”

But the most amazing thing about this Gay Parade, was after it had all passed by, the main busy shopping streets was heavily littered with rubbish; mostly empty beer cans and bottles of bubbly -- but all the rubbish vehicles were following up not to far behind the rear of the parade. Like an army of at least twenty or so -- those vehicles just sucked up all the garbage, in no time, and the streets were clean again as soon as they also, passed by.

To me, that last part was the highlight of the whole parade.

I thought, ‘Perhaps the dustcarts should have been placed at the front of the parade and not in the rear -- but also, going in the opposite way!’

No!

That was unfair.., I take it back -- but I just couldn’t help putting it in as a finale.

It still puzzles me now how that Policeman I spoke to did not know what was about to happen.

 Surely he must have known?  He was suitably dressed for the occasion, as I seem to remember, not just with his complete and ready for a riot outfit, but with each of his ears sporting an earring -- and one of them being a nice bright purple shade of amethyst -- to me, he looked like one of the Village People!

But he was a real German Cop -- I kid you not. I guess the rules are a bit different for them out here, than it is for our British Bobby.

 Flohmarkt

A Flohmarkt or Flea-market, is another big part of the local German entertainment. But for some strange reason, unlike the English Car boot sales, as they are now more commonly known, German Flohmarkts occur only at weekends and they usually begin late on a Saturday when all the shops have shut. This is because a German Flohmarkt often takes place at a main shopping area car park. Many times, especially in the Winter, this can make viewing very difficult; the car parks themselves, not being designed for late shopping, have no interior lighting. Some of the stallers have brought along their own lighting but for the most, the first bargain item you need to look for, is a torch! Some stalls are so much in darkness, there is just no point at all in stopping to view. As mentioned earlier, crowds of German people will follow the route of the stalls to the right and bump into other nationals, walking against them. Pick pocketing is something one always has to watch out for; the Flohmarkts are so busy and compact with people, one has to hold tight onto their money and especially carry a haversacks in front of you to prevent someone opening it from the rear. The one thing that I can never understand about these busy overcrowded Flohmarkts, is why do many people insist on taking young children in their push chairs? It must be a nightmare for a child to sit so low and continually view this dark human forest of people. I often wonder if there is even any air down there, to me, there can be nothing below but heavy droppings of garlic ridden carbon dioxide and cast away cigarettes or ash.

I always say to myself, “How can anybody bring a young child here?” But everytime I go, I always notice that they do.

 Sun Worshipping

The German is indeed by nature, a bit of a sun worshipper; they do enjoy to holiday in places like Sunny Spain and lie under the hot sun. Many British people, who also choose to holiday frequently at those same Spanish resorts, are all to aware of this, and as often reported, are irritated by those Germans.

They say that it seems that no matter what time the Germans crawl into their beds at night, or what state they are in after leaving the local Spanish night-clubs -- they always manage to rise early the next morning and grab all the best sun-lounges alongside the hotel swimming pool. They have this habit of reserving all the sun-beds for themselves and their friends, by placing a towel over each one prior to going off again -- to either go back to their beds, have breakfast or whatever they do, long before the British have even flickered one eyelid with a promise of waking from their night-time rave.

Germany is not as well situated as the British Isles, so it does not have many beach areas of its own. But at one area in Northern Germany, about two hours drive from Hamburg, there is a  seaside resort on the Ost (East) Sea called, Travemunde.

I have been there several times myself and it is a far cry from my sunny Bournemouth back in UK, or even Blackpool for that matter. There are no funny Kiss Me Quick hats, candy floss, penny arcades..,  nor any Big Dippers either. In fact, apart from a few postcards and the odd bucket and spade for sale -- there was nothing at all there that coincides in any way with the typical British Beach Tourism Trade.

Their beach is just another German town that just happens to be by the sea.

The only difference that I did notice between this area and Hamburg city -- in which I might add, I welcomed very much -- was that the pace of the people was much slower; attitudes were far more easy going, people had more time and  were not rushing around knocking everybody over. I found the transformation from Hamburg’s city mentality, to this little beach resort, truly amazing, pleasing and satisfying -- which was also very relaxing for me.

But apart from that, I could not see any other difference between this town, or the main habits of its people, any different from way they are in the city of Hamburg; they still enjoyed to walk with their dogs along the stretch of land close to the sand and sea, and they still liked to spend that time stopping off for their usual snacks of Bratwurst und  Pomme-frites, or coffee und Kuchen.

The walk, that ran alongside the beach, was not a typical British promenade either, nor even resembled one in the slightest -- it was more like walking through a park; it adorned lots of trees, bushes either side, and had very expensive well designed houses overlooking the path and the seaside itself. And although my visit was just at the tip of the summer, the whole beach area was still very busy with plenty of walkers and their dogs.

On the beach itself, there was one small wooden jetty that ran a little out to sea; again, this was no Bournemouth or Brighton Pier affair, just a little -- but well built, wooden structure to step onto, walk out a few yards and breath in the sea air. I found the sea-water alone impressed me more; it was so clear you could actually see right down to the sand on the bottom and watch the white jellyfish hovering around like little sea umbrellas -- sea-water as clear as this at any one of Britain’s seaside resorts would be very rare sight indeed.

But what really attracted my attention, was the deck chairs -- well they are not really deck chairs -- more like sun-chairs.  What caught my eye was not the fact that this beach furniture was quite a big hefty looking affair made from strong bamboo raffia, or that it had double seating and fold-up, fold down pram-like hoods -- nor even that these adult straw perambulators had small drawers below them; you could actually place all your clothing and valuables inside -- or even shove in the kids, then fold up this contraption by bringing the hood all the way down and lock it up prior to setting off for a dip in the ocean, or go for a nice long walk and a sausage -- no, it wasn’t even that that first caught my eye. It was in the direction that all these monsters were facing, that is what I found truly astonishing.

In England, go to any beach and you will find that most deck chairs face out to sea. That is what the average British person likes to do when they sit on the beach; relax in their chairs, with an oversized umbrella blocking out the sun, and a four cornered knotted bed sheet placed neatly over their heads, their trousers or skirts pulled up high above their toe caps -- and then they like to look out to sea.

The English like to look at the surf as it rolls back and forth, to look and point out with their index finger to any shipping, small boats, yachts or drowning person that happen to pass by, especially and even more exciting, if they are far off on the horizon.

The English like to view the distant surrounding cliff tops that run alongside the beach; to lazily gaze both left and right. They enjoy to watch the laughing children as they run excitedly in and out of the water, and see how many of their ice-creams fall from their cones into the sand.  For an British person, sitting in their beach deck-chair, there is so much entertainment going on when sat down and looking out to sea.

But not for the German..,

Everyone of the German sun-chairs -- and there were many of them, just like the English, were all faced towards one direction, but theirs were all placed with their backs to the sea!

This, I could not understand one bit at all. So I asked Rolf to explain to me why it was so.

His explanation was quite logical, but only for Germans mind you -- they were facing away from the sea, simply because that was they way they had to face, in order to get the sun.., to face on them!

In other words, the Germans do truly like to follow the sun!

Many times when a German or a German family set up or open up their beach chair apparatus, one of the first things that they do is to build a kind of mini Berlin Wall all around them -- this prevents others from sitting too close to them within their now claimed beach space. That certain distance of space that is around them, their family and their sun-chair, is now regarded as being a totally private and no-go area for anybody else on the beach.

But I believe that the real reason that the Germans do not treat their own seaside resorts as holiday spots, like the British do, is because to them, they are more like training areas in which to prepare for their real Summer holidays abroad.., here they can put on the first coat of their suntan and practice all of their beach and sun-bed occupation tactics.

 

So instead of playing ball games or building sandcastles on the beach, like many British beach-lovers enjoy to do, on the German beaches.., the Germans like to practice and play --

Throwing The Towel Over The Sun bed!

 Spielhallen

Another area of pleasure that is often frequented by many Germans, is the Spielhalle; a Spielhalle is simply a place to go and gamble away your money on fruit machines -- a Game Hall.

In Germany, there are just as many of these places as there are different kinds of shops, and these similar gaming machines are also to be found in most Imbiss’s -- you cannot get away from them!

Britain has, for sometime now, also introduced their own kind of Fruit Machine Hall, especially within popular tourist areas, but the main differences between the two in either countries, is the amount of prize money that can be won, and the style of the gambling machines themselves. In UK, through very strict gaming laws, the Jackpot allowed is very minimal; the last time I looked it was around fifteen pounds. This might have risen recently, but I feel sure enough to say -- by not much.

The fruit machines in Britain, that are permitted to be placed in pubs, cafe’s, fish and chip shops etc., often only allow coin tokens as prizes, that can be exchanged for goods at the bar or counter.

Anybody in Britain who wishes to play on a more serious fruit machine; one that has a higher Jackpot, can only do this by becoming a member of a club -- like a Casino or an Affiliated drinking club, such as a Conservative, Labour, Liberal or Working Man’s Club. Without full membership to these clubs, it is forbidden by law to play on these top-rated high-jackpot gaming machines.

In Germany, no such laws exist, apart from the usual age law that Britain also has. The German fruit machines all pay out the same standard high jackpot no matter where you find them.

The other difference between the two countries, is that in Britain, there is a wide variety of design in their gambling gaming machines and they are always introducing new internal and external  features onto the market -- as soon as the punters get used to one kind, they exchange it with something else that is completely different, and so the player has to relearn its newfangled ways all over again. Myself, I find the British gambling fruit machines far too complicated to be ever bothered with. Back in the old days of the one-armed bandit, you just pulled a lever and if three of a kind came up, you was onto a good thing, depending on whether it was cherries or  three bars.

Nowadays, you’ve got flashing lights flying about all over the place left n’ right; you have to push down a big red button to achieve entry into one thing, flicker a blue button to move onto another, hold down another orange button with the tip of your nose.., whilst at the same time,  tickle a green button with your big toe, which will then hopefully activate this singing flashing light thing -- that should shoot over to many other multi-flashing all singin’ n’ dancin’ lights. By this time, the machine is leaping all around the bar and screemin’ way out of its head -- and your up there joining in with it!

The whole effort is extremely hard and complicated -- and all to just to win fifteen pounds or a few tokens to spend at the bar. Most people will feed everything they win back into the machine until its all used up; the prize money is so pitiful, it’s only worth the entertainment value alone.

This in itself makes British gambling fruit machines very unfair, as they must rake in very high profits for the owners and the taxman. For the punter, they are a waste of time.., which is why many people play on them -- to waste time!

In Germany, most gambling machines work on the same one principle, and the only change that has ever occurred with them over the past thirty years or so, has been with their design image; they just updated on the way they look.

Their machines have three spinning discs that payout when the winning sequence of icons fall in line at top dead centre. When a win is realised, the player can either take or add their winnings to their machine clock dial account, or they can gamble further by pressing it up and chancing a higher stake, or risk a loss. The aim of most, is to get past the small money prizes, of up to four Deutschmarks, and instead, reach the special game credits that go from two to fifty credits -- or right to the top with a  Fifty Maximum.

These credits clock up in a separate clock dial to your account, and represents another stage in the game where you can now win a minimum of four Deutschmarks a time; just by having the right icon land top dead centre on the middle spinning disc. There are many of these winning icons on the centre disc, and even more if you gain the Maximum credits -- so its a win almost every time its spins. For as long as you have these game credits up on the machine clock dial, you can go on adding and adding to your total account at almost every spin of the discs, plus have further opportunities to gamble up or lose, in order to raise the amount on your special game credits. Should you get three crowns top dead centre on each disc -- you then have a chance to win anything from two to one hundred credits.

Although the system may seem complicated when you first begin to play on them, that situation only remains for a short time because as said, the same principle of the gaming system never changes. Most players become and stay very familiarised with it all -- so much so, that on average, they even know how much they can be assured to win from the amount of credits they have; in UK Sterling, fifty credits will win at least forty pounds and forty credits,  will bring in around one hundred and twenty pounds. Two hundred credits should reap you at least two hundred pounds.

There is no actual Jackpot like on the British gambling fruit machines, but on a really good day -- one of these German fruit machines, could have you walking out the Spielhalle with at least three hundred and fifty pounds in your pocket.

In Germany, each game cost about fifteen pence to play. In UK it costs twenty pence; that’s more money for a lot less on the prize you can expect to win. And another good thing about these German fruit machines, are they can be set to play automatic. This means you can put your money in to build up the clock account -- then walk away and watch it play from a distance whilst comfortably eating or drinking at your table or sat at the bar.

Mind you, this brilliant facility can cause other problems; you walk into a Spielhalle to play a few games, and you think..,

“Brilliant! There’s hardly anybody in here -- just two or three people!”

You surmise that you’ll have no problem getting to play on a vacant machine. But as you walk around looking for one, you notice that all of them are in use. Some very serious and hard playing gamblers can literally take over a  Spielhalle with the use of this Automatic feature -- one person alone can play all the machines within the premises, at once. And many times, they do.

That one person can make a whole Spielhalle -- instantly full up!

A German Spielhalle can be open from 8 a.m., until 11 at night, sometimes within the main city areas, they will not close until 3 a.m., and they are all open seven days a week.  It is forbidden for anybody under the age of eighteen to enter a Spielhalle and whilst in there, drinking alcohol is also strictly forbidden. But as many cups of coffee as you fancy, are always provided free by a Spielhalle attendant, who is always around to change money for you when it is required. Sweets and biscuits are also provided free on the assistants bar and there are also Coke and cigarette machines close at hand.

At every machine, there will be comfortable swivel office chair seating. Unlike Britain, there is no need to stand up all of the time whilst playing on German fruit machines, and from your seat, you can also shout out your order for free coffee or cold coke, and it will be brought to you by the Spielhalle assistant. The assistant will, at all free moments, be going around clearing empty crockery, removing discarded rubbish, and making sure clean ashtrays are in place.

A Spielhalle will never have any of those noisy shoot-’em-up Arcade Games, as often found in Britain’s Fruit Machine Arcades. The only other machines to be found, other than the standard machine as described, will be a few pin tables and machines for card gambling games.

An owner of a German Spielhalle will buy his gaming machines outright; unlike in Britain, they will not only be available through monthly or yearly hire. An owner has to have a special Spielhalle licence, in which its issue is strictly controlled, as is also the strict allocated number of Spielhallen in one area -- but one owner is allowed to open up several Spielhallen in different areas -- and many do. He will pay around two hundred pounds per month in tax on every machine that he owns. And of course, there is an added tax on all the profits they make.

It would only be right to add.., that just like it is in Britain with all forms of gambling -- the punter rarely comes out best. Despite the gaming machines in Germany being fairer in many ways than in the UK, the law of averages on win or loose are still the same and the German punter, like his British counterpart, can still come out many times being the looser. The machine prizes may be higher in Germany than UK -- but this only adds to making their machines far more and extremely addictive; some people can pop in a Spielhalle for an hour or so, with the intent to lose no more than fifty Deutschmarks, but finish up being turfed out at closing time, hundreds of Deutschmarks out of pocket.

German Spielhallen do create serious gambling problems within Germany.

Like most forms of gambling, be it on gaming machines, roulette, cards or horse racing -- the worse thing that can happen to you, is that you win. Because that is what will always bring you back to play again, in hope that one day, you’ll enjoy that same moment again -- and the larger the win, the greater will be the desire for you to return.