Bloody Germans

5. Weekends --Sunday Bloody Sunday

As I mentioned earlier in Chapter 3, come one o’ clock Saturday afternoon -- all shops pull down their barriers and shopping areas become instantly and completely closed down. Large city centre areas, that not all that long ago, were bustling with trade and amassed by crowds. Many who ran around with smiles on their faces that were as large and colourful as the carrier bags they carried around. In an ant-like fashion, the crowds moved this way and that as they crossed street upon street and from shop to shop; intermingling with each other up and down each and every side street.

The constant busy city din that could be heard from many shoppers and passing traffic alike. Cars, buses and taxis that not too long before, edged their way through hordes of people; each driver almost begging for their lawful right of passage. Masses of selfish shoppers filtered and squeezed through the slow moving traffic and each other; as if they alone had the only real purpose for being there.

At 1 p.m., when all the shops are closed, the pandemonium has now been reduced to nothing but the tranquil sound of a few clicking footsteps, as slow paced window-shoppers meander by and make their dream purchases. A mere handful of people drift through the now empty wide spaces, often in groups of two or more. They will even find more latitude to pause and chat with one another.

Where time is no longer an important issue, they will stroll from window to window, viewing items not seemingly visible before. Their tour takes them through many large store shop entrances, avoiding only those where poor unfortunates have now made it their home. Many will stop turn around and look when they hear a sudden sound of loud laughter, or if there is slight intrusive noise caused from an item that has been accidentally dropped in the street. It is as if the noise -- any noise, suddenly becomes eventful. Even the church bells have become far more distinct.

A scene, that to me, sounds depressing and lifeless, yet -- this is how the Germans just seem to adore it!

Weekends and Bank Holidays

Quiet German weekends and Bank Holidays remind me of how England used to be when I was a child. But now I am in my adult years, I find every day in England to be practically the same. I have on occasion; during return visits my hometown, been present during weekends or bank holidays, and have either thought to myself or said to someone who is accompanying me --

“You know, I find it hard to believe that today is a Sunday!”

Or a Bank Holiday, Boxing or Christmas Day. Sometimes there is so much going on, I even find it difficult to accept when it’s twelve o’clock at night!

In a stark comparison to Germany -- UK is a twenty-four hours seven day week ‘Party Time’.

Also, a German Bank Holiday is not organised in the same way as it is back home. In Britain, our Bank Holidays always fall on a Friday or a Monday; sometimes interweaving with them both. This allows us all to have a nice long weekend -- where we can drive off somewhere over the long three or four day period, and soak up the sun for hours upon hours in long traffic jams.

 

Having a Bank Holiday fall on a Friday or Monday, seems to be such a sensible arrangement for the working population, that one would not consider it took much effort to fathom out.

However, for some quaint reason, a German Public Bank Holiday will fall on the exact date every year no matter what day it is. For example, if ‘March 24th’ is a Bank Holiday and it just happens to fall on a Tuesday or Wednesday; in the middle of the week, then that is the day all Germans will have off work. Not very practical for the German worker who might want to look forward to a long Bank Holiday weekend, and it hardly makes any sense at all for the commercial side of business, especially for the local tourist industry. I mean, where can anybody go with just one day off in the middle of the week?  They can’t even party because the following morning they have to get up early to go to work. And then again, if the date allocated for a Bank Holiday happened to fall on a Saturday or Sunday, then the German worker will lose out altogether.

That same rule applies should any of the Christmas Holiday dates chance to fall over a weekend -- and that includes Christmas Day itself. If that terrible fate should come about for the British worker, then the lost days would be added on to make the holiday period one or two days longer. But not so for the poor Germans. They will finish work normal time on a Friday, have their Christmas Eve and Christmas Day on the Saturday and Sunday -- and then be back to work as normal on the Monday, with Christmas all over in a blink.

How’s that for doing it the European way?

Compared to the British, the Germans are being dealt a bad hand when it comes to their Public Holidays, but then they do get the better of us when it comes to ‘Mother’s’ and ‘Father’s Day’.  In Britain, these days are called ‘Mothering Sunday’ etc., which means they will always fall on a Sunday. Ergo, no day off there for the worker.  However in Germany, where both Mother’s and Father’s Day are official Public Bank Holidays, the dates for both of them will as said, always fall on the exact day. Therefore if Father’s Day; which is on March 24th, fell on a Thursday, everybody in Germany would have that day off.

So on these weekends and short day Bank Holidays breaks when practically everything is shut tight  -- what do you imagine the Germans enjoy to do with all their sterile peace and serenity, in which they desperately seek to pursue and just as passionately maintain?

The answer is simple, the German’s just love to walk.

 Walking

When all closes down, if I visit any of the many parks, garden, rivers or lakes, or even frequent the city or town centre, I will find a voluminous amount of German people just walking this way and that and with no particular direction to head for -- other than there and back!

Many will have dogs by their side or more than likely, running twenty or so paces ahead or behind them. There appears to be a two-way popular choice for a German and their dog -- which is, either very large or very small; with extreme preferences in either.  The larger the dog, the more reason for them to wrap a bright red kerchief around it’s neck. What message this is sending out, I haven’t figured yet. The closest I can get to it is, ‘Watch out -- this is a Bandit dog!’

The German’s love walking so much, that their need for a pet dog is just as vigorous and becomes a useful tool in which to further manipulate their pleasure; a reason or purpose for walking and a similarly ‘as eager’ friend to accompany them as they go.

As I stroll through any park walkway -- I find the area so busy with people that I first gain a first impression that some big event is going on. I soon follow them all to see what spectacular merrymaking is occurring on ahead. Then suddenly I think, “Just a minute.., there are just as many people travelling in the opposite direction!” So I turn around and start to follow them instead; going back in the same direction as I just came from. I can spend hours like this; running back n’ forth, until I suddenly realise..,

“There’s nothing going on…, it’s just the Germans out for their walk!”

 Visiting

There’s another favourite pastime in which the Germans just love to indulge when everything is closed on a Sunday. They have a passion to visit, or as it is more commonly known, besuche machen.

That means on a Sunday, a sweeping majority of the German population will set off; either in their cars or on foot, and invade each other’s property. Even Christmas Day is celebrated for this very purpose alone. Which I suppose, is the real reason why the Germans much prefer to celebrate their Christmas one day earlier than the rest of us.

Busuche’ing on a Sunday is so imperative to the German people, that even their law feels relaxed enough to permit only one kind of shop to open its doors. That shop is, ‘The Cake Shop’.

On a Sunday morning, the Germans are in their element with all their fantasies rolled into one; they can go for a walk, take the dog, buy a cake or Kuchen -- and invade their friends with it!

Coffee und Kuchen mit Familie oder freunden, is a regular German Sunday event -- and one not to be missed!

But what I haven’t figured out yet is, what happens if one German -- or a whole group of Germans, set off with their dog on a nice long walk; through the park and with a mind to buy a nice creamy cake to visit another’s home. But then.., the people of the home they intend to visit, have already set off themselves -- with their dog and on a similar mission to buy an as equally creamy cake and have a nice long walk; perhaps through the same park.., to visit them? 

After each group has called into their own local cake shop and purchased their cheerful ‘overfilled with cream and jam’ selections -- they might continue on with their individual journey and unknowingly pass by each other as they do. They won’t notice one another because they’re all far too busy either feeding the ducks, or trying to stop big red-kerchief’ed ‘Rudi’ from devouring up a whole Canadian goose.

And then at the other end; the end of each other’s journey, they knock on the doors and invariably find nobody is at home. So they sit down; on each other’s doorstep, and eat up the messy cakes themselves, then make their way back home again; through the same park, and once again, not noticing each other as they do!

So no matter what country, city or town you may happen live in, if while you are out on your strolls; especially through a park -- and you happen upon somebody who’s sauntering along with a very large ‘kerchief’ed’ dog; either panting behind, in front or chasing a Canadian Goose, and in their hands you also notice they are carrying a heavily laden cream and jam sodden large cake.., then you should be able to determine at least two things -- they’re probably German and it’s a Sunday!

And if you see hundreds of them, then you’ll know for sure its a bloody invasion!

Despite this, one German culture that did very much impress me and one that I hardly recognise in UK or anywhere else for that matter, is the way the Germans respectfully greet each other when either visiting or even meeting each other outside.

The Germans will always shake hands!

As soon as a visitor(s) enters a home, the very first thing they will do is shake everybody's hand.

They repeat the exact same procedure upon leaving.

This is not just a trend for the well brought up parents or elderly. I have seen it many times done when the young meet up with friends on their way to school or University. I have even frequently witnessed this same attitude with children as young as kindergarten.

It is just all so typically German.

In UK, often shaking hands has much more to do with business. Making a financial deal, going for a job interview or even making up from an old argument. In Germany, it is the norm for first greeting any acquaintance and they do it each time they meet.

I found the exact same decent respect when entering a doctor or dentists waiting room. In UK, everybody just ignores people entering into that space. They either look away or have their nose in a magazine to hopefully avoid any confrontation and most do not even dare to say 'boo-to-a-goose'. The only time a group might become more illuminated towards one another is if a very young child does something funny that suddenly brings them all together.

In Germany, a person walking into a waiting room will immediately greet everyone with 'Guten Morgen or Abent' " and all respond in the same polite way.

On one of my short trips back to Bournemouth, UK when I had to visit my doctor, I thought I would try out this so wonderful behaviour. As soon as I entered the so busy waiting room I proudly announced 'Good Morning' to all. I received back looks as if to say.,

'O' no! We got a loony here. Hope she doesn't sit next to me!'

Sad really because I rather loved that about the Germans.

German Mobility

As mentioned above, due to the German fondness of walking, they have evolved into all-round experts in this field and so can easily adapt their skills to all forms of walking; both social and domestic. By domestic, I refer to them walking around the shopping centres or malls, travelling hither and thither through busy rail underground stations, or simply making their way to and fro the bus stops; en route for any domestic task. They also adapt equivalent walking masteries; that I am about to acquaint you with, to their driving techniques. Or maybe, they have adopted them via the other way around. I’m not sure which, but once you have become familiar with both, you will clearly grasp the many similarities that there are between them.

In Britain, we tend to behave remarkably different as a pedestrian to when we get behind the wheel of a car. The phenomena of this human psychology has often demonstrated itself to be an excellent routine for many of our stand-up comics. But for the Germans -- and for some unfathomable foreign reason, they appear to behave exactly the same when they are launching into either.

However, I will tell you more about German driving later on in this book, but for now, allow me to apprise you with their ‘just as quirky’, walking habits..,

 Walking  Habits

When walking from simple A to B, the Germans seem to be devout that they must reach their target destination without making one defaulter. It emerges to be an essential condition of requirement that they move in a direct and straight line, and as in all forms of their marked objective, the must do it fast (Schnell). They will allow paltry room for any manoeuvre; left or right of  them, as they travel. And should any obstacle come before them, then their simplistic ruling is just as unyielding --

“If I can walk straight through it -- then I shall!”

Many times, when I am out walking and I spot a German rapidly approaching me in the not too far distance, I have to expeditiously and meticulously calculate the speed of their pace, along with a surmised imaginary line of their intended direction.

 

I also have to methodically study the layout of the land that lies betwixt and between us:-

 

How wide are the footpaths?

What immovable or not so easy to walk through obstacles lay either side or between us?

Where is the safe ground in which I can hastily withdraw should a sudden hindrance appear and impede me; like a car unexpectedly appearing from nowhere onto the footpath, when either parking or exiting from the gates of a dwelling?

All of these things and possibly even more that I have still yet to learn, have to be taken into careful consideration when being confronted by a German walker whilst I am out and about.

In most cases, the size of the footpaths or the ensuing obstacles are something that only I have to chew over -- the German has long worked out their own intended path and my presence doesn’t even come into their reconnaissance. For the average German, I am not even there -- I  don’t exist!

I was advised, when I first came out to Germany, that the rule was quite simple; all Germans walk on the right -- just as they do when they drive their motor vehicles. I was further informed that if I was to always bare this in mind whilst out walking, I could never go wrong nor falter. This valid piece of information may have been true, but what my German mentor omitted to tell me, was that no matter where the German may be installed in their intended route -- to them, they are always right!

In more wide open territories, when I am being approached by an oncoming German, I find that applying some foresight into my strategy often proves highly successful. Though I have been caught out a few times when my attention span has been momentary diverted whilst searching out or reading a street nameplate. Despite the footpath being forty foot wide, I have still been mowed down by the odd German. But now I am training my vision so that one of my eyes can deftly scrutinise a street nameplate, while the other is carefully scanning the foreground for any hazardous incoming German.

However, within the close-knit confined urban areas of Germany, where one is considerably more likely to stumble on or be run into by Germans, the situation demands additional skills in which to administrate. And thanks to the ‘on-ground training’ I have periodically taken on board during the past ten years I have been domiciled here, I can now proclaim that I am still not getting it right. The only plan of action I have come up with so far is:-

 When suddenly being embarked upon by an incoming, fast moving, unfamiliar German; especially those that ‘out of the blue’, hail from the glare of the sun, and there is limited time to apply any emergency manoeuvre -- then the simple but quick-fire tactic is to just stop, stand still and do absolutely nothing!

That handy little procedure so often instils so much confusion in the German, it thus causes them to defaulter and walk around me. No doubt, taking his anger out on some other poor hereafter oncoming pulse-beating obstacle, while I move on to my next encounter and add one more claimed-hit to my belt.

I am regularly puzzled and often wonder what happens when two like-minded Germans come vis-à-vis with each other whilst out walking.  If neither of them are going to engender any concessions with a view to each other’s intended direction -- then what transpires when they suddenly confront each other head on?

Do they simply ‘lock-on’ to each other and carry on walking nowhere?

 

I frequently have visions in my mind of a late night city that is brimming with many groups of linked and ‘locked-on’ Germans. Their legs all still perpetuating the motion of walking -- but are both journeying nowhere as they strive to force each other out of the way. Maybe in Germany they have special mobile units that drive around late at night to track down and divorce these fully ‘attached’ Germans!

Whenever the Germans are out domestic walking, they have another trait which without doubt emanates from when they are out driving, but no matter where in the world the German is venturing, and there is clear-cut competition out there from others who travel along the same purposed route -- it then becomes de facto important that they alone must get there first!

 

A kind of ‘Nicki Lauder’ mentality kicks-in, assumes full command and behoves prevalent, and it makes no difference whether they are behind the wheel of a car or not.

This strange behaviour not only occurs on public highways and footpaths, it amazingly recommences within shop premises; large or small. They even battle to overtake each other whilst travelling up and down moving escalators!

Within the store itself, I have lost count of the episodes in which I have been  gaily strolling around with my supermarket trolley; planning out my next evening meal of ‘grass clippings on black-cardboard toast’. When all of a sudden, I am overtaken from the rear by a herd of fully laden shopping ‘trolley’d’ Germans, and forced off the track into a pile of cut-price buckled tins. I seem to be unable to complete one shopping lap without having to make at least four emergency stops behind the back of the broccoli counter -- which I call the ‘pits’!

The check-out tills are the same..,

“Is it all right if I go in front of you..?”

They’ll ask somebody ahead of me..,

“Only, I’m a medical surgeon and I’ve just popped out during a heart bypass operation to get a packet of cactus flavoured tea.., plus these few monthly shopping items!”

It never occurs to them that although they may have obtained permission from a ‘soft-touch’ at the front of the queue, not all persons behind; least of all the old lady who begs no favour from anybody, yet waits patiently to purchase her husband’s life saving ointment -- feels satisfied that they systematically pushed in front of them!

Yet somehow, it has become widely accepted that when waiting in a long queue, the people in front of you ‘legally’ become a spokesperson for all those standing behind. I just cannot figure out the nature of that adopted mentality!

 Keeping  to the Right

When entering a Flea-market; recognised more by the Germans as a Flohmarkt, I am constantly given the command by Rolf that I must at all times, ‘keep to the right!’

 

It is compelled requisite that I begin at the first designated table of miscellaneous items, then snake my way along and up each row until I finally arrive at the terminus point; maintaining always that I only adhere to the right-hand side of the gangway that lies betwixt me and the tabled articles -- come hell or high water.

Once I have consummated the first half of the circuit, I must then reverse the orientation and backtrack by embracing the same unfailing spiral method.

It’s quite ingenious really -- 

The tables that were first on my left, are now on the right of me when I am coming back!

 

And if whilst snaking up, I should; during a reckless second of consumer craving, suddenly sprint off to gaze at some item of interest that is on the left of my route -- I am quickly plucked back and reminded that I must not break the rules.

I am told I can view it on my way back!

Despite the obvious strictness of this ruling, it may come across to many of you as being quite a sensible procedure, in which you might even consider adopting for your own town or county garden sale.

“It is truly German ‘organisation’ to the hilt”. You might also unwittingly add.

 

The trouble is, in Germany there is a large immigrant population from the Eastern countries and most of these nationalities seem to have a plan of their own; which might even have religious connections. Their rule appears to be --

‘You must always walk on the left!’

So at a Flohmarkt, we’ve got two thirds of the community tyrannically adhering to one route, and the remaining other -- religiously bumping into them. Everybody is so busy trying to avoid smacking into each other, that they hardly have time to notice any of the bargains on the tables.

Once again, the German ‘Durch Sprung durch Technik’ flies right out of the window!

In England, we also bump into each other a lot when we walk around our car-boot or market tables; I will admit that’s true, and no doubt the same happens to you at yours. But even so,  I still cannot figure out why the Germans have to go well out of their way to devise a complex method for something that comes to the rest of us quite naturally!