Bloody Germans

Strange Ways of Eating

Ice-cream

The German ice cream. They don’t call it ice-cream, they call it, Eis -- because that’s what it is; ice without cream! 

 

I am served with one or two big dollops of flavoured ice and they’ll quietly ask..,

“Cream?”

Then they’ll bury my ice in whipped cream right up to my armpits! 

Come summer, many specially designed Eis Cafes suddenly open their doors throughout the whole of Germany. This makes it a lot more convenient, not for the customer, but for the waitresses. Now they can serve me my Eis while I am tightly clamped-in at my table.

So when they ask me..,

“Cream?”

And I stupidly say..,

“Ja bitte!” --

Twenty or more waitresses will suddenly appear from nowhere and throw umpteen buckets of cream over me!

Once on a trip back to England with Rolf, we were wandering around a large park in Poole and because it was a hot sunny day, we both fancied an ice-cream. We came upon an ice-cream kiosk that backed onto a local council type catering park cafe, and I asked the young man behind the counter for a simple ‘creamy’ cornet.

Rolf however, being German -- fancied something a little more elaborate. He asked for three separate flavours in a large tub. The young ice-cream man gave us our ice-cream but Rolf took one look at his and said..,

“There’s not very much ice-cream in this -- can you fill it up a bit more please!”

So the guy did. And as he did, Rolf kept urging him on to add more and more until he felt completely satisfied. Rolf was then handed back his by now, well-loaded ice-cream.

“Where are all the fruit fillings?” Questioned Rolf.

The ice-cream guy said, “What fillings? You just asked for a three flavoured ice-cream!”

Rolf being so used to how an ice-cream is normally served in Germany said --

 

“Haven’t you got any strawberries?  This is not a proper ice-cream!”

The poor lad then had to go off to look for some strawberries in the main part of the cafe.

A few minutes later he returned with Rolf’s ice-cream..,

“There you are Sir -- your strawberries and ice-cream!”

But Rolf was far from satisfied.

“What do you call this? These are not fresh strawberries -- you got them out of a tin!”

“We don’t have any fresh strawberries Sir -- tinned strawberries are all we have in stock -- and lucky for you, we still had one tin left!”

“Where’s all the little bits you put on the top -- where’s all the chocolate droppings?”

Off the ice-cream man went again and a few minutes later, he returned with Rolf’s quadruple sized ice-cream; coated with tinned strawberries and now with bits of chocolate sprinkled all over the top of it.

“And what about the cream?” Demanded Rolf. “You always have cream with ice-cream!”

“Not that I am aware of Sir!” Said the young ice-cream guy, “I’ve never served cream with ice-cream before. With coffee yes, but not with ice-cream!”

“No.., I don’t mean that kind of cream -- I mean whipping cream! Surely you have an aerosol-can of  whipping cream about?”

So off he goes again to the main part of the cafe, still carrying with him Rolf’s ice-cream.

By now, I had long finished my own ice-cream -- and I quite enjoyed it.

Back comes the ice-cream guy, proudly holding up Rolf’s now tremendously well stacked ice-cream and strawberries, plus chocolate bits -- and curled up mountain high whipping cream!

“That’s better!” Rolf proudly announced to this somewhat novice young ice-cream seller, “That’s what I call a proper ice-cream! How much do I owe you?”

“Let me see..,” Said the ice-cream seller, as he raised his head in careful thought, “That’s ninety-nine pence for the lady’s cornet and six pounds twenty for yours -- that’s seven pounds nineteen pence altogether!”

“What!” Said Rolf, “Six pounds twenty for this -- six pounds twenty for just a simple ice-cream?”

“Well, it’s hardly simple now is it Sir?  Normally, a basic three flavoured ice-cream would cost only two pounds eighty -- but with all your added extras; double portions of ice-cream, a tin of strawberries, flaky chocolate -- plus a mountain of fresh whipped cream -- that works out altogether at six pounds twenty, plus the lady’s ninety-nine pence cornet.., that’s seven pounds nineteen pence altogether, including the cost of ‘Value Added Tax’ and my shoe-leather!”

I couldn’t stop laughing.

Rolf paid up without further protest -- well, I mean he couldn’t have given it back to him after all that palaver.

But what made me laugh even more was not just how ridiculous Rolf’s ice-cream looked; it was far from being anything comparable to how it would have been served up in Germany, and it looked so messy. but even funnier than that, the tub contained so much of it all -- Rolf was unable to completely finish it. So  in the end --  he threw most of it away!

So now when back in England, Rolf takes his ice-cream just as he is given it and without a word of complaint, let alone his instruction.

England of course, does have their own varieties of ice-cream, for example ‘Ice-cream Sundae’ and ‘Peach Melba Surprise’. The surprise is -- what the hell is a ‘Melba?’

But more likely than not, those delights only seem to be available in elaborate restaurants or the more select cafe’s.  England does not have any proper ‘Ice Cream Cafe’s’ around as they do here in Germany, or; as I have been informed -- in America. In Germany, Eis Cafes are situated all over the place and are open practically all day; seven days a week, all throughout the Summer.  In Winter, many of the owners will shut up shop and set off in search for sunnier climes to soak up their profits.

In England, especially at my hometown holiday resort of Bournemouth, ice-cream is mostly sold in small shops; often sweet and tobacconists, from their shop fridges or from a same source in Supermarkets, where they will normally sell ice-cream in large family packs. Ice-cream is also sold from ice-cream vans that drive around the areas or park up on popular tourist spots. In many of those popular tourist spots, as within local council parks and along the beach, the council have set up their own catering enterprises.  These are normally small kiosks that are annexed to their own main cafe buildings. Such is a place where Rolf purchased his strange and expensive ice-cream. And as said, ice-cream is also available in some cafe’s and restaurants as an after dinner sweet.

But nowhere in England, have I ever come across an establishment that serves ice-cream anywhere near as gratifying as the Germans regularly enjoy. In England, many times customers are served tinned and not fresh fruit with their ice-cream -- even at the many swank cafe’s and restaurants!

In a German Eis Cafe, we are given a colourful menu that is listed full of ice-cream delights -- some that even resemble spaghetti meals and others that contain a variety of liquors.  My favourite dish out here is either fresh strawberries or dark cherries and mixed flavours of ice-cream. But unlike England, there are so many different and delightful concoctions here to choose from, that it usually takes me quite some time to make up my mind and order.

In England, the choice is not only minimal, it is also very boring. We either get either plain vanilla or a three coloured chocolate, strawberry and vanilla; brown, pink and white, called ‘Neapolitan’. There are other mixed versions to be found in the Supermarkets, but I find most of them rather sickly and they still lack the imagination that is present out here in Germany.

However, the best ice-cream that I have found in England is a ‘Cornish Ice-cream’. But one would have to travel to Devon or Cornwall to enjoy one of those creamy delights; beware of the many imitations to be found elsewhere. A Cornish ice-cream is yellowy in colour and is very, very creamy --

Mmmh.., I fancy one right now!

Around the 1960’s and up till today, Italian Ice-cream made it big in the UK. Especially the whipped or very soft variety. I find that okay but it disappears too quickly; five licks and it’s all gone! The Italians also brought in a wide variety of their recipes or flavours of ice-cream that are not in their ‘so-soft’ whipped versions. They include rum and raisin, pineapple, banana -- the list is long and includes many ideas of their own mixtures. All versions of Italian ice-cream -- the soft or much firmer kind, are also available out here in Germany.

Ice-cream in Great Britain just seems to lack any thought of imagination, other than a soft ice-cream in a cornet that has a chocolate flake stuck into it. Which for some unknown reason, they decided to call it a ‘Ninety-nine’. I used to think that was not a design name but its price -- ‘99 pence’. But now that they have gone up in price, they are still called a ‘Ninety-nine’.

Probably due to my being brought up in a country that lacks any imagination in selling or serving ice-cream, one of my favourite delights with ice-cream is something that I personally call a ‘Hot n’ Cold’. It is basically hot apple pie served with cold vanilla ice-cream.

 I just love that!

Hot pancakes and ice-cream is also very tasty, but not as much as my all-time favourite ‘Hot n’ Cold’  -- Hot Chocolate Sauce with an island of vanilla ice-cream dumped in the centre. That is just too much to think about when I have none around or immediately available. In Germany, they don’t serve up such delights, but they do have cold ice-cream with a hot flavoured fruit sauce poured all over it. I haven’t tried that out yet, but I understand the kids out here just love it!

Also in England, we have a soft drink called ‘Cream Soda’; it’s a kind of creamy fizzy lemonade. A big glass of Cream Soda with a dollop of ice-cream plopped into it, always brought a smile to my face when I was a kid. I haven’t had one of those for many years and Cream Soda, or anything like it, is not available out here in Germany.

Come to that -- neither is ‘Dandelion and Burdock’.., but that’s another story.

Who would have thought that ice-cream could have stirred up so much thought in me -- but it is just another interesting subject on how each country seems to produce or even sell things differently to another.

‘Ice-tea’, a favourite of the Americans, is also available everywhere in Germany. But in England, it is mostly sold in cans at supermarkets etc., and so is probably not anything like the real thing. Ice-tea has not been available or even popular for all that long in UK either.

In UK, such things as a ‘Knickerbocker Glory’s’; which does sound German to me, are normally made up from three flavoured; pink, brown and white, ice-cream, with mixed in fruit (usually tinned) and more times than not, comes without any whipped cream. If one is really lucky, they might have it served to them with a cherry on the top, but so often, it will be just a glazed cherry and not a real one. However in Germany -- with a similar treat, we would be really going to town with a wide choice of flavoured ice-cream, filled mountainous with real fresh fruit, and finished off with oozings of whipped cream curled over the top of it.

Who needs a cherry; glazed or not, with that bountiful pleasure?

I have often wondered if opening up a German type ‘Ice Cafe’ in my home town of Bournemouth would pull in the crowds.

I think it would.

In Bournemouth and on my last visit, I noticed that they had redeveloped the main part of the town centre. A very busy area where many people pass through, including local shoppers and visiting summer tourists. In the middle of it all, a ‘Continental’ style cafe had been newly erected that had enough space around for tables and chairs to be placed outside during the hot Summer months. I thought that structure would have made an excellent ‘Ice Cafe’, serving also fresh coffee and hot chocolate, just like they have out here in Germany. But alas, the place only serves tea and coffee, plus a few silly and expensive snacks. I once sat down there and asked for a simple sandwich and it arrived with a half a ton of salad extras that I never even asked for, least of all expected.  It cost me an arm and a leg -- when all I needed was a simple sandwich!

Many times, I find Britain all too substandard in comparison to what there is out here in Germany.  I think its a shame because most of the time, it only requires a bit of imagination and fairness to present the customer with something that is really worth having and enjoying, rather than just fob them off with a profit based commercial philosophy of ‘high prices for cheap products’. Britain is most certainly a ‘rip-off’ nation with many of the products or services they have on sale. The poor customer is often left with a solitary ‘take it or leave it’ option because far too often -- they will find the same substandard choices everywhere else. Instead, their philosophy should be ‘our last customer is our best advert’ -- and give us a real good reason for wanting to come back, as well as tell our friends all about them.

Why can’t they see the simple logic in that?

If somebody, who had the ‘typical’ mindset of British retail philosophy, ever decided to set up a German style Eis Cafe in Bournemouth; or anywhere else in England for that matter, once the novelty had worn off, I could them failing almost immediately.

Due to the many basic non-exciting and already expensive varieties that exist at other establishments around them, this alone would be enough to quickly inspire the new ‘Ice Cafe’ owner to sell his ‘by far worthier’ product at a much higher price than his rivals. A typical and most generous helping from one of Germany’s Eis Cafes  would only cost around two to three pounds. The same thing in England, especially if unlike anybody else they began using only fresh fruit, a large assortment of ice-cream flavours, coated with fresh whipped cream -- this would without doubt motivate the new owner to sell their ice-cream delights four times more than it would cost out here in Germany. So the exorbitant price of the same German product in UK, would alone be enough to keep the crowds away; except maybe on very rare occasions like Birthday treats etc., and so thus, possibly make the venture fail.

In Germany, Eis Cafe’s sell ice-cream products of both good value and excellent quality and are busily populated for most of the time. Indeed, an excellent combined recipe of both product and service that has made them very popular and successful.

Why can’t Britain be like that?

Many of the ridiculous prices for substandard food and drinks are governed by the local council or ‘Beach Catering Departments’, who control most of the tourist market. It’s probably the same in towns and cities up and down the British Isles. You see, that’s what’s wrong with England -- many of these establishments are run solely by local council catering and nobody else is allowed to move in on the territory. The local council catering -- especially the ‘Beach Catering Dept.,’ well they just seem to have no idea at all. They employ cheap labour; mostly young students or kids, who often lack any proper catering training or experience. But then, they have no need for it -- as apart from the odd micro-waved heated up frozen meals, they mostly serve tea, instant coffee and pre-wrapped foods like biscuits and cakes.