Chapter 5

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"Hello Savanah." Vanessa said in a very calm, sooting voice.

I walked into her office and sat down. 

"What's going on? I noticed you were a little quiet in group today." She said. 

"I want to tell you that I'm not doing ok but I don't want to be carried off into the isolation room and have anything I may have earned taken away from me. I'm not even a level one yet but I'm scared that if I do the slightest thing wrong here I'll be tied up and sedated just like Riley was." I told her, the knot forming in my throat once again. 

"Savanah, we don't tie people up here. We restrain them if and only if we see that they are a danger to themselves or anyone else. This is not like a prison. This is a place of healing and recovery, granted we are very strict sometimes, I can assure you that it is only to maintain order and saftey and to help everyone recover. For example, we run laps sometimes because it builds character and teaches discipline. We don't allow anyone below a level one to have their personal belongings because people make and conceal weapons and we have also had a few people purge into clothing as well. These rules aren't to punish you as much as to break habits that are detrimental to your healing. So with that being said, everything you say in my office is confidential and will not get you in trouble unless you want to hurt yourself or anyone else." She said. 

"Um, ok, I guess I can tell you this then, I don't want to hurt myself but I did do something bad. I was really sad and depressed all day because I have no idea how long I am going to be here and I have this idea that if I don't conform perfectly, I'll be locked up forever. I think about the world outside going on without me, and it's overwhelming. I have been crying since Breena left and then I did something I shouldn't have." I said, the tears starting agian.

"And what was that?" She asked. 

"I tried to purge. I went into the bathroom to wash my face and I saw that I was alone and no one followed me in there, so I got down in front of the toliet and started to gag but before anything could come up,  I felt horrible and got up and left the bathroom. I went back to my room to cry and then I came and got you. " I said, in between bouts of sobbing. 

"That was very brave of you, Savanah. How do you feel?" She asked.

"I feel guilty and horrible and like I need to turn myself in otherwise things will only get worse." I said. 

"So you feel pretty s****y even though you really shouldn't." She said.

"Yeah I feel pretty s****y." I said. 

"It's ok to curse in my office Savanah, your emotions and feelings need to be felt and processed, not censored." She said, smiling slightly. 

I smiled a little. Vanessa sat up from her relaxed position in her chair and crossed her knees and looked at me. I looked at the tattoo on her foot that I had not seen before since I had never seen her wear sandals. It was a sunflower. 

"Well, you are right in one aspect, if you don't seek help, things will continue to get worse. However, there will not be any concequences here if you don't 'turn yourself in' as you say. You should be proud of yourself and give yourself a little more credit. You just made a huge stride towards recovery. I'm proud of you. You feel guilty because deep down you know that this is what you need. " She said, checking her phone. 

"Well, it's 5:45, and I dont want you to miss dinner. I'll walk you over so no one says anything." She said, standing up and holding the door open for me. 

I felt bad because she stayed almost an hour late to talk to me. I thanked her when we got to the cafeteria doors and she turned arround to go back to her office to get ready to leave. 

"If you need anything and I am not here or with another patient, just slip a note under my door and fold it in half." She said before patting my shoulder and making her way down the hall. 

I went into the cafeteria and Kerri brought me my food like always and I waited for the rest of the patients to join me. Once everyone sat down there was chatter about Breena, the weekend starting and who had visitors coming. 

"Hey Savanah, where were you?" Marley asked. 

"I was in with Vanessa ." I said. 

I decided to leave it at that for now.