Chapter four

Trigger warning

We didn't see Riley for the rest of the night, or the next morning. We were told that she would have to stay in Isolation untill Vanessa could properly meet with the staff and discuss what had happened and what they should do next.

 Friday morning Breena came skipping over to our table at breakfast and was overly happy and cheerfull. Breena would be leaving us today. We had one entire group dedicated to saying goodbye to her, everyone wrote something nice about her and we went arround in a circle and read them to her. There was a lot of crying, esspecially from Marley and Ethan. We would all miss her, but then again, this was a psych ward, and no place for a child her age to be. I gave her a big hug and told her to stay strong, a sentiment that got said a lot here, and then I cried a little bit too. Breena's parents picked her up shortly after lunchtime and then she was gone. It gave me hope. Breena had mastered the complex level system, pleased the staff with good behaivor, and was declared healthy and allowed back into the real world. By monday she would be out on the playground having recess with her classmates, not watching teenagers run laps because we left a mess somewhere. She would be coloring or doing arts and crafts without a therapist trying to over-analyze whatever picture she just drew. She would be free, enjoying life and enjoying her childhood. Everyone else would still be here. I sat on my bed staring out the window for a long time wondering about life in the outside world without me. Life really does go on, even without you being in it. Tyler would go on serving his country, my parents would continue to be successful with their solar company, my friends would laugh and talk at lunch without me, and the sun would still rise and set the same as it did before I had to watch it through windows of a locked psych ward with wire running through them. 

I longed for the days when I could be free and do what I wanted when I wanted to do it. I longed for the days when I didn't have to get fed through a tube or take more medication every morning than I had ever had to take in my life. I longed for freedom, happiness, and to just get my life back. I began to feel a knot in my throat and a few tears began to slip out. 

Jackie came into my room and told me it was time for Vanessa's group. I wiped my face and shuffled into the group room. I fell silent for the entire group as I cried quietly in my seat. I was tired, scared, homesick, and overwhelmed. As group ended I made my way into the girl's bathroom to wash my face and supprisingly, I didn't get caught. I had a very sick thought right then and there. If I really wanted to purge right  now, I could. I needed to. I had not done it in about a week since the last time in my bathroom and I could feel my body swelling up like a balloon from all the food they had been pumping me full of. I went into the first stall and kneeled down. I put my fingers in my mouth and began to gag. Then something hit me that I had never experienced; guilt. I knew deep  down that if I really wanted to get out of here this was certianly not the way to go about it. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I got up and left the bathroom and went back to my room and cried. I knew this had to stop. If i wanted to be in the outside world living and enjoying life, I needed to change some things. I had heard others talk about how they first gave in and gave recovery a try. I guess this is when it happened for me. 

I reluctantly got up and wiped my face on the sleeves of my cardigan. Then I took the most nerve-racking walk of my life down the hall to Vanessa's office. I was turning myself in. I would surely join Riley in the other isolation room. I had no idea what I was going to say. I stood outside her door for about five minutes contemplating weither or not to knock. Finally, I knocked. 

The door opened and Vanessa was standing there. 

Here goes nothing.