Chapter three

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.Chapter Three

The next morning, I went to breakfast with Breena, Marley, Emma, Avery and Ethan. I waited with much anxiety as Jessie brought over everyone's food. My heart sank as I received a plate with three pancakes, bacon, and grits. I stared at the food for a little bit before I started pushing it arround like I had seen others doing. I felt my face grow hot. How the f**k was I supposed to eat all this food? If I don't eat I will be stuck here forever. I felt overwhelmed and anxious to the point that what happened next was almost inevitable. A knot grew in the back of my throat and tears started flowing down my face. I couldn't get fat agian but I also couldn't rot here forever. I didn't know what to do. My hands were resting on the table as I stared into my lap and let a few tears slip out. Just then, I felt someone grab each of my hands. I looked up in shock to see Marley holding my left and Ethan holding my right from accross the table. Breena sat next to me and laid her head on my shoulder. 

"Don't cry Savanah." Breena said. 

"It's ok, If you can't finish it's fine. We've all had a meal that's a little overwhelming. The monster in head makes you want to not eat and continue to get sick. You have to tell him to f**k off, otherwise he's going to keep bothering you. Look at me. You are a beautiful person no matter what he says." Ethan said 

More tears continued to fall. I took bite after bite but only ate about half my food. I would get the rest in liquid form or through my tube. As I got up to clear my tray and head into community, Ethan put his arm arround me. 

"I'm proud of you." He said, smiling at me. "Every bite is a victory. Remember that." He continued to say. 

We headed into community where Victoria led us through levels and feelings just like the day before and Marley told everyone how excited she was for her pass. After community ended, I headed back to our room where I helped Marley pick out an outfit to wear out into the "real world". It was going to be a cold, rainy day, so we chose a puple hoodie, jeans, and her sneakers. I let her put on some of my makeup and she pulled her curls into a ponytail. 

"Can I ask you something?" I said

"Sure." She replied

"Why did you and Ethan hold my hands today at breakfast?" I asked.

"Oh, that? That's a Northside thing. We have an unspoken agreement here that if you see anyone struggling in any way, you help them out. Most the time when an eating disorder patient is struggling with a meal, someone holds their hand across the table." She said. 

"Well it was very kind. Thank you." I said 

"Oh, no problem, but yeah if you see a Northsider struggling, just be there for them, ok?" She asked. 

"Ok." I replied, having no idea how much that promise would mean.

Kerri came into our room shortly after to get Marley to go on her pass. She waved goodbye and followed kerri down the hall and out the big double doors. I looked at the clock on the wall and our schedule on the door and saw that there was about twenty minutes before the next group. I left our room and went down to the dayroom and sat and talked with the others for a little bit. Will came in and got Emma. Will was cool I guess, he made lots of jokes durring group and I knew he was Marley and Emma's therapists. I liked Vanessa. She was very nice but a bit pushy. I had never seen a therapist before so I honestly couldn't complain about her. There was another therapist here named Stephanie, who I had only been in one group with. She was very tall and wore her brown hair up in a bun. Other than correcting  Riley and Lilly for passing notes, she seemed nice as well. 

Just then, a short young woman with a blue top and long black skirt came in to get me. She had long brown hair and a tattoo on her wrist and appeared to be in her early thirties. Just like Vanesssa had, this woman took me into the office next to the cafeteria and started asking me things. 

"Hi, my name is Molly and I'll be your diettian while you are here at nothside. I have heard from staff that you have been having trouble keeping up with your meals, is that true?" She asked. 

I told her that yes, eating three meals a day was a bit overwhelming, so she made some notes and told me she was making a food plan for me. She also went on to say that my tube could eventually come out if I were to get back into my weight range and stay there. I wasn't sure if this was good or bad news. Over the next 45 minutes, she asked me what my likes and dislikes were on every food imaginable. After I finished with her I went into the group room for Vanessa's group, which was almost over. Vanessa was helping Ethan process a dream he had had and everyone else in the group was weighing in. Like most of the staff here, Vanessa was pretty, young, and very easy to talk to. The group ended and we were told we had a five minute break before we had to be back in for Stephanie's group. Most people went to the cafeteria to get water. Stephanie talked a lot with her hands as she spoke and had each one of us say how we were feeling. The door opened and a shorter, indian woman who looked to be in her mid thirties poked her head in and asked for me. I got up and followed her. 

"Hello, my name is Dr. Holly Pereja and I will be your psychiatrist." She said 

I followed her into the office where I had been weighed the last two mornings. She asked me about my moods and feelings and decided to put me on a low dose of Lexapro. I finished seeing her and went back to the remainder of Stephanie's group where we talked about mindfullness. Group dismissed and then we all gathered in the dayroom where tutors were waiting. My high school hadn't sent any work for me over yet, so I was told to read quietly on the couch. Everyone did their school assignments quietly and the tutors would just stand around and see who needed help. I walked over to the two bookshelves and selected the first Harry Potter book to re-read. I absentmindedly flipped through the pages already knowing the basic plot. The two hour studdy hall block ended and they were just getting ready to put out lunch. I went back to my room and laid on the bed for a few minutes when the door opened and Marley and Kerri came in with multiple bags from Target, Walmart, and Old Navy. I watched as they emptied the bags onto Marley's bed and Kerri helped her cut off all the tags and fill up her drawers that were pretty much empty before. In all she had gotten 4 pairs of leggings, 4 pairs of skinny jeans, About 10 T-shirts, all in different colors and some with designs, 8 tank tops, 2 jackets, 5 sweaters, Bras, underwear, socks, a toothbrush, a hairbrush, a small amount of makeup and other tolittries, Fuzzy shoes that looked like moccasins, A soft looking blanket with a sugarskull on it, 3 pairs of pajama pants, Sweatpants and yoga pants, 3 books, Hair ties, Flip flops, and strangely enough, a stuffed unicorn. 

I don't think I had ever seen Marley so happy.

Marley and I headed to the cafeteria as she told me all about the last four hours she had spent in the "outside world" and how Kerri let her get an iced coffee at Starbucks even though she really wasn't supposed to. Unfourtunately, Marley had to stay at Nothside untill her caseworker could find somewhere that would take her. We went seperate ways once we opened the wooden double doors and she got a tray and got in line. A nurse brought over my plate which was some kind of sandwich and a little cup of soup. It smelled weird. Marley sat down next to me and the others in our group soon joined. Marley, Ethan and Breena kept nudging me untill I had eaten most of my food. Jessie came over and told me I did not have to take a suppliment and that I had done good. 

We had about an hour untill Will's group started, so as everyone finished eating, we all slowly made our way to the dayroom. Marley, Breena, Emma, Avery, Ethan and I sat on the couches and watched cartoons. Some of the other patients sat arround the tables talking. I overheard Riley complaining about having to be watched in the bathroom. About halfway through the seccond episode of the cartoon, we all smelled a very distinct foul odor. 

"OH MY GOD!!!" Haley screamed. 

"She actually did it!!!! She actually f*****g did it!!!" Hunter yelled. 

At this point, we all turned arround to see Riley squatting over the trash can in the corner peeing into it with her skinny jeans arround her ankles. Kerri, Jessie, and Denise all came rushing into the dayroom so quickly Riley couldn't get her pants up quick enough. 

"You have just earned yourself a complete level drop." Denise said. 

Riley sat on the ground and began to cry. Everyone was told to go into their rooms and stay there untill they were told otherwise. I heard something about "code purple". 

Once in our room, we could hear Riley's screams from the hallway. Marley explained that Riley would most likely be in the isolation room for at least the rest of today, and that "code purple" refers to any time a patient must be restrained and put in there for any reason. I felt bad for Riley, I really did. She wasn't trying to hurt anyone. At this point another thought crossed my mind; if staff will put you in there for doing practically anything they don't like, and start you back at level one, how do I know that it won't happen to me soon? Or Marley for that matter? I took a long deep breath and hoped with all my heart that it would never come to that.