f**k up

i feel like i’m f*****g it all up
he says that he’s falling in love with me
and i am, too
so how do i tell him that i don’t know how to do this?
that the scars that mar my skin
and the nightmares that keep me awake at night
and the anxiety that cripples any sense of normalcy
and the compulsive restriction and addiction
are why i’m like this
that all those scary things are rising beneath the surface and sometimes i snap and my mood swings and stubbornness and tendency to pick fights are not his fault
i’m like this because i’m so f*****g terrified of love
and i’m terrified that if i let myself have something good
if i fall back into trust with someone
i will lose him
and that kind of irrevocable love is sure to destroy me in the end

that the only way my mind knows how to communicate to my heart is in methods of self-destruction