ptsd

i feel crazy
i feel manic and stressed and wide-eyed with panic
the thoughts are flooding through my mind so quickly i can’t reach out to grasp even a single one
it is nearly 2 in the morning and sleep
is more of a threat than a relief
i know if i close my eyes the nightmares will come
a barrage of images assaulting my senses
watching the people you love die over and over twists the nighttime into a realm of fear

tonight i miss him so badly that there is a crater in my stomach and a gash in my heart
i sobbed silently while torturing myself with memories of you and words of grief and self hatred and anything that could aid my misery

this thing, this grief is like a disease
triggered by the smallest stimulus that produces the most intense response
i was fine until he didn’t call
when i texted and i called and the phone rang to voicemail
and my murmurs of worry escalated into desperate crying pleas
choking on the fear that i had lost you again but this time with someone else entirely
grasping the knowledge that this time i would crumble so quickly that my pieces would dissolve before i could even attempt to put them back together
i have never felt fear like that in my entire life

i wish i could be free of these shackles
the anxiety that chains me up tight
the paranoia that robs me of the freedom to just exist
god help me
because i don’t think i can help myself.