nine days

nine days

two hundred sixteen hours

twelve thousand, nine hundred sixty minutes

seventy seven thousand, seven hundred sixty seconds

in that amount of time

it will be the two year anniversary of your death.

you should have turned nineteen last month

another year that I grow older and your birthday has passed unnoticed

I know I will dream of you again

that nightmare is the sweetest, cruelest torture

because you are the one thing I have never stopped wishing for

your soul is the one thing I would trade mine for

and when I wake up, stricken with grief and sadness

as if I am sixteen and my loss is a noose around my neck

I am still unable to hate you 

I cling to the memory of your smile, and the way your hand felt on my thigh

warm and reassuring

the first boy that ever touched me like that

the first boy I ever loved like that

I can't even remember the way that you smell anymore 

or how you looked at me that night

god, what I would give for it all to be real

to be able to bury myself in your arms and cry happy tears

for you to hold me like I am yours and laugh 

saying that you never left and you're here to stay

you came back for me, like you always said you would 

god, I miss you tonight