sometimes

sometimes, my heart is whole

I am more in love than I have ever been

he makes my cheeks hurt from smiling and laughter flows so easily

he thinks I'm the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen

but sometimes, in the middle of the night

my heart is hollow

and I go back to that place 

when I was sixteen and everything I knew was crumbling around me

the foundation of you and me had been shattered by a single moment

I swallow hard against the sadness 

because I cannot forget the days that I spent sobbing until my throat was raw

or the days that I felt so numb I wanted to slice deep into my veins just to feel something 

for god's sake

I still wonder, what should I have done then? 

what should I do now?

there are a lot of hard truths in this world, words that hurt more than help

but the hardest truth of all is the reality that I will never get you back

and I think no matter how hard I love, I will always love you more

if you came to me today, arms open

saying, baby, I'm home

I would fall apart just so you could put me back together again

I would leave the man I love all for you 

on some nights, the scar you left on my heart feels like it is torn open

when I wake up crying so hard that I shake

because the pain of losing you all over again is something that I cannot take

as the tears drip down my cheeks I still pray and plead that it is real

that reality is a cruel nightmare, and dreamland is where I exist

somehow, though, I crave that miserable torture, just because it means I get to see you again

I miss you, even now

I wish you had never made promises that you knew you could not keep