For an Optimist You're Pretty Pessimistic

A writer's take on doubt and how to deal with it.

I've always admired successful, creative minds. They stay up at all hours of the night and produce something that the world will love. Meanwhile, I stay up and produce something that I hope the world won't ignore. I've come up with a word to describe the feeling. Doubt. Doubt is the humidity in the Alabama heat. If you're not careful it'll smother you before you get your thoughts together. I struggle with it every time I scribble a word on my notepad. Getting excited about writing an essay, or a story, or a poem is great until you read established writers and realize that some of them are just out of your league. It's like getting excited about riding a rollercoaster only to get there and realize that you're two inches too short to get on with the big kids. That's how unknown creatives feel.

Enough rejection will make you doubt everything in your life. Rejection gives birth to Doubt, as well as her twin Hope. No one in their right minds accepts rejection and keeps pursuing what rejected them. Hope keeps them at it. Hope is a hallucinogen. It's much more potent than mushrooms or acid. It's a drug indeed, and like marijuana it needs tending to or it will die. Likewise, Acceptance creates confidence, as well as her evil twin Arrogance. I long for the cocoon of arrogance. It's as though nothing anyone  says will shake your immovable ego. Confidence is similar but not quite the same. You have to balance the two. Arrogance is too much sugar in your Kool-Aid. Confidence seems to be too watered down.

In reality, arrogance is like the Wizard of Oz. It seems big in the beginning but in actuality, once you dig, you'll find that it's all bells and whistles. People use bells and whistles as a defense mechanism. Befriend Hope. She'll get you where you want to go and give you the gas to get there. Arrogance makes you think you've completed the trip before you've left the driveway. Believe me when I tell you that you have to leave the driveway.

I look at doubt as the Siamese twin that's became a vegetable and drains the nourishment you so desperately need. Ironically, as I write this, Doubt's harpie-like voice screams in my ear that I am no good at my craft. You may feel the same. I need to hear it, though (if it's constructive). Doubt reminds me everyday that I'm not one of the Titans of writing. Doubtful thoughts are, to me, both stifling and tortuous. Yet, this relationship I have with it is like that of a masochist and a sadist. I need doubt to remind me to be humble when I do get compliments. It gives me great pleasure to hear how much better I could be as opposed to how good I am. There is also a seed of self loathing that goes into doubt, but just enough to be the justful balance between arrogance and confidence.

Treat doubt like the pesky partner you broke up with but won't leave you alone. You hate when it comes around but it feels good to know that you could, and will, if you work, get better.

Author's Note

I crave for good reviews like an addict to crack, but I need the negative reviews like I need sleep. Thanks for reading.

Reviews

[GreenShoes]

I think this is a well-written story. It's possible that you are cramming too many thoughts into this one piece. It is about Doubt but you also talk about Hope, Acceptance, Confidence, and Arrogance. The last paragraph is a bit confusing when comparing doubt to a pesky ex.

A very enjoyable read. I don't spend a lot of time doubting myself when writing. Each writer has his own unique voice, one is not better than the next, and no one can be replaced. I write for myself, because I like doing it. I need no one's approval.